


What It Means To Have, Part 2 Issey's Road

by Burntsugrr



Series: Issey's Road [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/M, Glee - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 21:48:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 76,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3785452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burntsugrr/pseuds/Burntsugrr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A small bump changes everything forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I'm so excited I can't stand it!" Isabelle bounced next to Chris who was struggling his way out of his costume. It was never an easy task to remove the tighter than skin jeans and leotard after the show, especially when they were sweat soaked. Tonight it was even worse because his girlfriend was shaking him in an attempt to transfer some of her excitement to him.

"I'm excited too. Thrilled." He deadpanned. "I'd just like to live long enough to get out of these pants and this stupid fucking leotard."

"Awww, my baby is cranky." She peeled the wet lycra from his skin, kissing across his back as she did.

"Sorry, it's been a long day. I wish we'd gotten this thing a week ago like we were supposed to. Last night on the dude bus sucked." He toed off his boots so he could slide the entire thing off.

"I know, and I can't wait to see it in the daytime but still, we get it tonight and we'll finally get a decent night's sleep."

"Here's hoping." He pulled on a pair of jeans that were slightly less constricting than the pair he'd dropped in the laundry and tugged a t-shirt over his head. The shirt was some video game reference Issey didn't understand but she was very excited to see him stuff his (very large) feet into his soft grey sneakers. She took his hands as soon as he looked ready to move and wiggled a little dance in front of him, "Please be excited about this. This is a big deal for me, and for us."

Chris pulled her into his embrace and kissed the top of her head, "Of course I'm excited. I'm sorry I'm so grumpy. I'm excited to see our new home away from home."

Her eyes sparkled when she looked up at him, "I really think you're going to like it. It took them a little extra time because I added some stuff but hopefully it will be worth the wait."

Chris's jaw dropped at first sight of the thing. "It's HUGE."

It was a sleek silver double-decker bus with pale blue accents. One of the windows was round like a port hole on a boat; others bore screens, something Chris had never seen on a bus. Issey got on first and greeted Fred; he was her favorite driver from past tours and happened to be free to drive the remainder of this tour.

A little on the older side but clearly a pro he shook his head and fanned his arm out like Vanna White ,"Leave it to you Isabel, I've never seen anything like this before."

"Did you like your room?"

Usually a tour bus had a front room where everyone hung out together and a back salon like the one she and Mia had hung out in. There was generally a small kitchen and bathroom, occasionally with a shower and then an area of bunk beds. There was never an area especially set aside for the driver. The idea was that if the bus was on the road the driver would be driving and when the bus is not in motion the driver would be in the hotel. Issey felt the driver might like to feel at home as well and made the back salon on the first floor a room specifically for Fred. "It was a very thoughtful thing to do. Thank you for that."

Chris raised his eyebrows in question so Issey told him what she'd done. "So there's no back room?" he seemed a little concerned. Everyone knew that on a tour bus the highest ranking person on the bus had the back salon as a getaway from the rest of the crew. It was seen as the most prestigious area and the one with the most privacy.

"Not on this floor. The way I see it the entire bus is just for the two of us so we don't really need a hide-a-way from the group. C'mon let's look around."

The driver's area was state of the art with his own privacy door so he could choose to separate himself from the bus interior or be a part of it. He had an excellent sound system in his space and a place to set food and a drink. There was a light overhead if he needed it and a kick ass GPS.

A few steps beyond the separating partition was the kitchen. With gleaming white enamel stove, oven, sink and small refrigerator it had a more homey feel than the usual utilitarian stainless steel kitchen. Chris ran his hand over the countertop, "Is this marble?"

"Yeah, pretty right? I wanted to be able to make candy and a marble surface is key."

"Sure, yeah, make candy. You're aware you have an apartment and I have a house. We have somewhere to live when we aren't on the road."

She pouted a little, "You don't like it."

Fred interrupted briefly, "We need to get moving. I put your things upstairs, hope that's okay. I'll try to keep her steady, heard you could both use some sleep."

"You're the best Fred!" Issey called to him as he closed the privacy shield and separated himself into his own little world.

Chris poked his head into the fridge coming out with a cold bottle of water smiled at her. "Of course I like it, it's just, extravagant."

She sat at the four seat kitchen table that looked straight out of a 50's diner. Looking down Chris realized the floor had been pattered in black and white tiles, the entire kitchen was in fact 50's themed. He sat across from her.

"I don't want to show you the rest of the bus until you tell me why it seems to be bothering you that I wanted to make this nice for us."

He took her hand and held it loosely. "I'm happy that we have this place to be alone together, but I can't help thinking that it's also an escape hatch for after the tour. You can take another gig and hop into this thing and be gone in a minute."

"Love I hate to break this to you but I don't need a bus for that."

He nodded, "Guess not."

"Besides…" she got up and pulled him out of his seat, "this place was designed for US not just for me. If I get another gig while you're on hiatus and you want to write I want you to be able to come on the road with me and enjoy it."

He bent down to kiss her softly; she swore he got taller every day. "You really think about us that far in the future?"

"Of course." She felt her heart contract. He obviously didn't think about them beyond the end of this tour. Was she assuming too much?

"Good." He mumbled it into her skin just in front of her ear and suddenly her knees were weak and her head went dizzy.

She gave him a playful shove away , "All right, all right, do you want to see the rest?"

"Lead on, McDuff."

There were cabinets on either side of the bus that made a slightly narrowing passageway demarking the change from kitchen to hallway with a room on either side, both closed off with doors. "These walls come out in case we decide to do something else with the area later but for now I have this." She opened the door on the right side and revealed a piano room with acoustic panels, a flat built in the wall recording board and a keyboard. There was enough room for four people to work comfortably. "It's soundproofed too so I can let clients get as loud as I need to and never disturb you."

"This is amazing." He played with the mixing board, "Is this 26 channel?"

"Out, 32 in."

"Jeez."

"And you can remix from your iPhone remotely."

"Shut up."

"Swear."

"This is going to save you so much time in studios."

"Exactly. I really wanted to rerecord Kevin's tracks, now I can do it here and not have to rent studio time on the road."

He continued to stare in awe at the room until she nudged him out the door and opened the door across the hall. "This is yours."

The room was similar to his bedroom at home in color palate, masculine and calming. There was a butter soft slate grey leather snuggle recliner next to a wall of books. A writers desk, complete with a new laptop was nestled in the corner, flanked on either side by roman columns. Above the desk was a shelf she'd had adorned with photos of Chris's family and pets as well as a number of reference books and fresh cut irises. She turned the dimmer to bring the lights low and then pressed a button next to the desk. Slowly a rectangular piece of the wall beside his desk retracted revealing a window, complete with screen. He had the option of turning this space into a complete cocoon, letting in the sun or moonlight, or flooding the room with fresh air. A remote control allowed the room to fill with music from the laptop, or if he wanted he could sit in the snuggler and watched dvd's on his laptop. A small fridge filled with fruit and diet coke was built discretely into the wall.

Chris ran his fingertips over everything. He marveled at the soft ivory carpet beneath his feet, designed with two trees coming from different directions but their branches growing together. He remarked on the perfect assortment of black and white photos she'd chosen to be a part of his personal space. Pictures of his parents, his sister, his pets and friends all surrounded him in complimentary frames. He sat in the recliner and called her to join him, tipping them back as soon as she did. Wrapping her up and holding her tighter than she expected his voice waivered slightly, "I can't believe you put this room in just for me. I didn't expect anything like this, you're incredible." They kissed and snuggled together, as anxious as she was to see the rest of their bus this was a perfect way to christen the room she'd designed to be his sanctuary. She'd be happy to take a week seeing each new area if it meant Chris kissing her collarbone like he was right now.


	2. Chapter 2

When they finally extricated themselves from Chris's new office she got to the one room she was nervous about. The entire bus was designed with color pallets she loved, textures that made her feel at home and very comforting, relaxing vibes, except the downstairs sitting room. The concept behind this space was less about Chris and Issey spending time here alone and more as a space to entertain both friends and clients. She chose super modern designed furniture and colors she didn't herself connect to. (A/N: Check out IsseysRoad tumblr for images of the key furniture and design elements of the rooms in the bus).

"Whoa, I LOVE this sofa." Chris practically ran to the leather sofa covered in circular cushions.

"You just have a soft spot for leather."

He wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively but was distracted by the gaming console under the plasma tv. There was a Wii and an Xbox with more games than he'd ever seen in one place. "Geez, Love you don't even play these things much do you?"

"Occasionally I do. Mostly I wanted them for you and for clients when they needed to chill between lessons. I was going to put one of them in your office but I didn't want to distract you when you're working."

"No, I'd never get anything done. "

She snuck behind the open spiral staircase that lead up to their private area, intending to show him the bathroom. "Guess I'll have to stay out of your office too."

He stalked up behind her, and captured her with an arm around her waist, "No, Love, YOU can distract me any time."

He nuzzled his nose behind her ear, talking low, "Where's your Chris free zone?"

"I don't need one. I like it when you're near me, and as sexy as you are when I'm in work mode even you can't distract me."

He hummed against her shoulder setting off a delicious shiver in her. "Challenge accepted."

She turned and they shared a smirk. "I think I'm going to be in trouble. C'mon you, I want to you to see the downstairs before I show you our private rooms."

He was excited about the bus now, just like she'd wanted, but more than that, it was starting to feel like they were seeing their new home for the first time. He threaded his fingers through hers and allowed himself to be led. The downstairs bathroom was smallish but carried the black and white circular theme without repeating it.

"This is really cool but I'm anxious to see upstairs."

"Okay, come on." She stopped him at the bottom of the stairs and got serious. "If you hate it you have to tell me. I really wanted this to be a haven for us that no one else will spend time in, it's just about us, so if you don't like it I want to change it."

He kissed the tip of her nose, "I'm sure I'll love it, but if I don't I'll tell you. I promise." He was lying through his teeth. If it was the most hideous thing he'd ever seen he'd tell her it was heaven because she'd worked so hard and he wanted her to be as happy as possible.

She climbed the red spiral stairs ahead of him, her backside tantalizing him to move on. "I like the stairs."

Issey missed the meaning, unaware of his perspective at the moment. "I thought they went well with the downstairs and you barely see them from up here."

The top of the stairs was like a different world. Where the room below was funky and bold upstairs opened into a living area clearly meant for two. There was a cuddling sofa for two facing a flat screen tv that could be retracted into the ceiling. Chris was fascinated by the fireplace, the last thing he'd expected in a bus. It was a free standing round device with fire inside and it actually threw a fair amount of heat.

"It's supposed to be able to be rolled anywhere but I had them bolt it to the wall here for obvious reasons."

There was a stack of board games in built in shelves, candles and a supremely soft rug underfoot. At the front of the bus there was a small kitchen complete with a table for two. She was especially proud of their bathroom. Bathrooms on buses were generally tiny and uncomfortable, even if they looked as nice as possible. She had managed to fit a decent size room with a porthole window. The room had an ocean theme with a number of glass columns containing various colorful fish in protruding viewing bubbles, though instead of fish one had sea monkey's with a tiny printed sign inside that read "Future Groomsmen".

The shower, Chris noted, was big enough for two people with jets on either side. An antique looking shelving unit held shells, bath lotions and essentials and a wicker basket with fluffy towels big enough to wrap around two people. The round mirror over the sink was sandstone with tiny shells embedded at the edges.

"Did you hire someone to decorate this? I've never seen anything like this." Chris looked around in amazement, you could completely forget you were on a bus until a lane change or quick stop, then it was like surfing in your room.

"Of course not. I just filled it with things that would feel like a home for us."

"If you ever get sick of touring you have a career as an interior designer just waiting for you."

"No thank you, besides, I've already given up touring, for awhile at least, or did you forget, you're stuck with me at work in the studio too."

"I did not forget. Now show me our bedroom. Please."

The first thing Chris noticed about the bedroom was the silence. Everywhere else in the bus (except the studio) had the underlying hum of the bus engine, sounds of traffic, muffled but still there. Here in their room you could hear a pin drop, if it weren't for the deep pile carpet. "You soundproofed it." He shook his head in wonder, "How did you even think of that?"

She settled onto their bed, anxious to see if it was as soft as it looked. It was, she sunk into it like she was climbing into a cloud. "Honestly have the sounds from the outside buffered out of the room was a happy perk. I was trying to make sure noise from in here, couldn't be heard downstairs."

He shed his sneakers and relaxed onto his side of the bed, "Plan on being noisy do we?"

"Don't we?" she tackled him, pressing him into the new pillows and kissing him roughly as she stradled him. "So be honest, what do you want to change?"

"I don't want to sleep in hotels anymore, just park in the parking lot and we'll sleep out here." He caressed her thighs, scratching lightly.

"Other than the fact that the bathrooms are still bus bathrooms so the water is limited I'd agree. Our living room isn't too girly?"

"What's girly about it?"

"That velvet sofa's pretty girly." She slid off him and curled against him instead.

"Hey! We had something good started over here. Come back."

She sighed, "In a little while, I'm kind of wiped out. Do you mind if we just lay here for a while?"

He slipped an arm under her and pulled her closer, "You want a nap?"

"Not necessarily, just rest. Ooh, hang on" She leaned to her nightstand and found a remote control and pressed a few buttons, filling the room with soft music and dimming the lights.

"Wow, does Hef know about this bus?"

"You think that's impressive?" she handed him the remote and placed his finger over a button. "Press this and hold it down."

He did as he was told and the roof above their bed slid open to reveal a window to the stars above them.

"You have to be kidding! Awesome!"

"I wasn't sure they'd be able to do it but they said it was no problem. Isn't it cool?"

He kissed her head and they lay back just watching the sky. They stayed like this for a long time.

"You sleeping?" he asked

"No, I'm awake." She answered.

"Why did you decide to give up the road to work on Glee?"

She frowned a little and rolled to her side to face him. "Is that what you've been thinking about?"

"Among other things."

"What brought this on?"

He shrugged a little, "This bus is pretty over the top, but not just that, it's REALLY personalized. I love it, but it doesn't seem like something you're going to be willing to rent out. I think maybe you'd rather stay on the road."

"Perception is an interesting thing. I mean, I can see where you're coming from with that and I think you're right, I don't even want anyone else to climb those stairs, everyone else can just stay downstairs, so that sort of lets renting the bus to other people out. I don't see it as my wanting to stay on the road though, I saw the bus as a commitment to us. I didn't want to spend any more nights away from you."

"You said that when you bought it."

"It's true. I think I was so happy about us that I wanted to start our lives together now."

"Happy? Or scared?" He ran his fingers through her hair.

"What did I have to be afraid of?" She had a million things to be afraid of but had hoped she'd hidden them all from him.

"I think maybe you fast forwarded us to try to avoid the questions in your head. Did you make the right choice, what if you're wrong about us, what if this IS just a road romance?" Her wide eyes were fighting back tears so he kissed her cheekbone then her jaw before continuing. "Love, I think the physical side of things went from zero to 60 so fast for you that you had to prove to yourself this was real, it wasn't going to all disappear in a few months when we went back to real life."

She backed away from him and got out of the bed.

"Wait, c'mere! Honey!"

It was too late; she was on the other side of the soundproof door. He found her sitting on the floor in the corner by the bookshelves in their living room. Her face was red and there were streaks on her cheeks from tears but she wasn't full on crying. Her eyes were closed, her head rested against the wall, body curled in on itself.

"We have to be able to talk about stuff."

"I'll move to the downstairs bedroom. Fred doesn't need it when we're actually on the road and when we're stopped I'll be in a hotel room anyway."

"Okay drama queen that will be enough." He sat on the cuddling sofa and called her to him.

"You think I'm rushing things. I'm just saying we don't have to…oh man, you don't even want to be on this bus, and you want to go be with the guys on your regular bus. I didn't even ask, just assumed you'd want to be here with me." She stayed on the floor.

He was laughing. It wasn't a mean laugh, more of an "oh you" laugh and it made her feel like a ditzy 50's sitcom wife.

"Yes, you caught me. I don't want to be on this amazing, perfect, beautiful bus with my amazing, perfect, beautiful girlfriend. I want to sleep under Chord's sagging ass and listen to Cory snore for the next 2 months instead of sleeping under the stars and waking up staring into the most precious eyes I've ever known. I want to try to write at a cramped kitchen table while Darren plays his guitar and the others scream over killing hookers in a video game instead of writing in my comfy office designed by the love of my life."

"Shut up."

He gave up on the couch and went to where she was on the floor, sitting beside her. "You're upset because I'm right."

She just looked down.

"It's okay. I'm not saying I'm not ready for this; it isn't too fast for me. I just don't want you to be pushing things to try to make them real. We're real." He kissed her and she melted into him, allowing herself to uncurl and give in to his hands on her sides, her back, everywhere. "You won't lose me by staying on the road, or by sleeping on another bus."

"I don't know how to do this. How to just be with someone and not rush it or take it too slow, I have no idea what's right."

"What's right is whatever we feel comfortable with. I'm happy where we are, and if you really want to work with us in the studio then that's what I want too. I just don't want you to be sealing us off to try to seal off your feelings for Darren."

She took his hand, "I don't know what I can say to get you to believe that he's not a factor in our relationship or any of my decisions, but time will tell. It's been over."

He was so quiet she almost didn't hear him when he asked, "Then why did you sleep with him?"


	3. Chapter 3

Isabelle just looked at Chris.

She was used to seeing an impossibly handsome man, strong, opinionated, confident and sexy. Tonight, traces of make-up from the stage still on his face, he looked young, worried and tired.

"I told you."

"No." Now it was Chris who shrunk back from her, pressing his back against the bookcase. "Nope, no, you told me THAT you slept with him and that you magically knew after that you wanted me."

"AND I told you that his letter had a pretty heavy factor in what happened."

"You don't look at him."

"What?"

Chris stared straight ahead. "You. Don't. Look. At. Him. I mean, ever. Family dinner, rehearsal, whenever, even when he's the one speaking, you look anywhere but at him."

"And you would rather I not be able to take my eyes off of him?"

"Like he can't take his off you?" He stood. "I'm gross. I'm going to take a shower."

"We're in the middle of a conversation."

"This isn't a conversation. This is me trying to tell you what I've observed and you being defensive. It's not going to get us anywhere." He disappeared into their bathroom.

When things got like this Issey had two escapes. If she was anywhere near water she dove down as deep as she could and stayed there as long as she could. It never helped her made a decision but it was a great place to hide from the world, somewhere she could scream or cry without being heard. Cursing herself for not thinking of putting a plunge pool on the bus (it would never have fit but it was a nice dream) she did the next best thing.

At first Chris feared she'd gotten off of the bus. Hair still wet, wearing only sleep pants he searched for her but to no avail. Finally he went up front and asked Fred if he'd stopped at all. Fred just chuckled. He'd known is long enough to guess where she'd be if she couldn't be found. "My money is on the studio."

Chewing his lip, Chris pressed the button that lit a bulb inside, a sound studios answer to a doorbell. It took a minute or two but she opened the door out of breath.

"Hiding from me?" He'd meant for it to sound teasing and clever but the crack in his voice killed the playful inflection.

She shook her head at him and fell onto the sofa downstairs emotionally drained. "I'm not hiding from you. I was singing. When I'm upset I sing. I know everyone forgets this, but I'm actually a singer myself. I believe in the powers of releasing emotion through song."

He sat with her. "Do you believe in the power of talking to me instead of leaving all your emotion in there?"

"Chris I love you. I told you right up front that I'm bad at all of this. I don't know what I'm doing. You say you want to know why I slept with him, why I don't look at him. I don't think you do. I don't think its important but if it means that much to you we can talk about it. So honestly? You want me to tell you?"

"Yeah. I do." He wanted to add that he couldn't compete with something she locked inside her head, if he knew what he was up against, what hold Darren had on her maybe he could find a way to be that guy, but knew if he said that she'd tell him it wasn't what she wanted.

"I slept with him because as much as I love you I belong with him. I don't know how to explain that, if you haven't felt it you can't know. It's a bond, a magnet. Whether I want it or not, if I'm near him, if I look at him I feel like I'm at home. The craving to climb into his arms is nearly irresistible. Looking into his eyes is physically painful." She didn't need to look at Chris to know he had tears in his eyes but she pressed on, "We are the pieces of each other that we never knew existed and yet we make each other whole. I've never told him I felt those things but I didn't need to. His letter told me he felt that for me, and he knew I felt it for him."

Now she turned to look at him, "But we all have pieces of ourselves that we despise, that we would erase from ourselves if we could. Being a part of each other is not a life sentence if I don't let it be. I knew all of these things, I felt all of these things and I made the decision to be with you. I'm sorry if that isn't enough, or if I'm too much but that's it. I can't defend how I feel about him all of the time, I'm sorry that we can't be away from him, I'm sorry that I NEED to be away from him but it's just the truth of our situation."

"You aren't too much. Remember, I'm not good at this either, it's all new to me, I screw stuff up. I'm going to say the wrong thing sometimes and hurt your feelings." He reached out to take her hand and much to his relief she moved to hold his. With the makeup gone she could see the faint stubble, the shadow of a mustache just above his lip, she stared as he licked his lips. "I'm sorry."

"You've done nothing to be sorry for." She finally looked away from his mouth to look at their hands, intertwined between them. It was comfortable and safe, but there was something like a sliver in the back of her mind. She'd tried to ignore it but tonight seemed like a night for pulling those nagging little interlopers out. "I have my own question though."

He steeled himself, "Go ahead."

"You said you worried that I was rushing things in part because of Darren but also because the physical thing was so easy for us with each other. I'm not the one who hadn't…I mean my experiences weren't exactly vast, or especially positive but I knew what I was into. I will admit that I found out with you that I like things I hadn't even thought of before, that sex with you is so much more than I thought it could be because I have no fear, I feel cherished and cared for, protected."

He let go of her hand now and put an arm around her. Together they lay back against the soft leather cushions. Her head found its natural place just at his heart.

"You are all of those things and more."

"Before you I always thought of it as a compromise, as something you allowed to happen to you, even if you had the desires when it came down to it sex was invasive and violent. I never understood how anyone could just casually fuck someone they barely knew, it was like giving away their soul."

"I still feel that way. I can't imagine doing what we do with someone I didn't trust completely. Not just trust, I don't know, that morning at my house, didn't it feel different somehow?"

"YES!" She sat up, excited, they hadn't ever really talked about it and she always wondered if it had felt the same for him. "I didn't imagine that right? It WAS different. It wasn't just the light, it wasn't just being able to look into your eyes, it was more than that."

He smiled at her, running his hand over her arm, "We stopped being two people. I mean, that's how it felt to me. I've gone to weddings and even sung at them and there's a line in a song, 'when two become one'. It always seemed like this corny symbolism but that morning it made sense."

They kissed gently. Chris wrinkled his nose, "Is it weird that we talk about this stuff?"

"Probably, how would we know? Like you said, what's right is what works for us. Tonight wore me out. Let's go to bed."

"You said you had a question for me."

"Changed my mind."

"Don't do that. Ask me."

"Fine. When we're in bed do you ever think of anyone else?"

He kissed her shoulder, "Never."

"Good. Bed now?"

"Bed now."

He was half way up the stairs when a thought settled on him and he held her calf to stop her from climbing further. "Honey?"

"What are you doing?"

"Do you?"

"Do I?"

"Think about" he paused, they both knew what he wanted to say, "anyone when we're in bed."

"No. C'mon."

He let her go and followed her but held her back from going into the bedroom. "Wait. Two things before we go in there."

"Uh oh."

"Thing one, I really love that room, I love that it's ours and only ours, I don't want to fight in that room again. If we need to talk something out, if I say the wrong thing and upset you, can we please take it out of that room?"

"Awww, yes Love, we can." She wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed his chest. "And the second thing?"

"Have you really never thought about him when you were with me?"

"You're talking about when we're being intimate not just like, watching tv next to each other right? Because I want to be honest and it's my job to think about him to some extent."

"Do you think about being intimate with him? Not just when you're with me. Do you think about him kissing you, touching you, any of it."

"No. I can honestly tell you that I don't. I can't say his face hasn't popped into my mind here or there but it's not like I'm thinking about him doing anything, I never fantasize about him if that's what you're asking."

"It's just with you asking about my thinking about anyone else made me think it was because you did."

"Oh boy." She backed up.

"Don't like the sound of that."

"You misunderstood the point of my question. Do you ever wish I was…otherwise equipped? Do you ever wonder what it would be like if I were a guy?"

"OH! I did completely miss that. Um, no. Yes I think about what it would be like with a guy, no I don't think about that when we're together and I don't ever wish that I were with a guy. It's just, curiosity."

"Sexy."

"Weird stuff turns you on."

"Lucky you."

When they parked the buses at the hotel the next morning Darren was uncharacteristically grouchy. He was generally an annoyingly bouncing ball of energy in the morning but today he just wanted to go straight to the hotel room he would share with Harry. Chris was outside about to bring Chord and Naya in to see the new bus when Darren went by, heading into the hotel. They hadn't spoken much off stage since Chris's hallway outburst.

Chris called over to him. "Hey Darren, c'mon over and have a tour of the bus."

"Thanks, I'm good man." Darren kept on walking but Naya insisted. She saw Chris's invitation as an olive branch while Darren saw it as an opportunity for Chris to rub his love nest with Issey in his face. He began to demure again but Chord threw and arm around his shoulder and pulled him into their group. Not wanting to turn his refusal into a standoff he shrugged his bag off his shoulder and followed the others inside.

Chris was careful to call his writing room "the office" though from the pictures on the walls to the books on the shelves it was clearly a room designed specifically for him. Darren could imagine Issey hunched over color chips and carpet samples, taking everything about Chris into consideration before making a decision. He tried to focus out the window and unclench his jaw.

Everyone was excited about the studio, including Darren. The equipment was some of the best he'd seen in a private studio, especially one so small. Of course Issey would know exactly the right thing to buy. If the 'office' had been an extension of Chris's personality this studio was Darren's. He wondered, but doubted whether anyone else noticed the subtle additions that she could only have made when thinking of him. Most of them were equipment based things he'd use if playing in the studio on his own stuff that she'd never have a use for. He smiled when he saw a photo on the wall. Chris noticed and followed his line of site.

"Yeah, I don't know where she got that. Probably some pop artist or something. I don't get it, but she seems to like it." Chris shrugged turning out of the studio. Darren stayed behind and touched the framed image, happy to be alone with his thoughts for just a second.

"Hang on, I've got one in the studio, let me look." Issey had no idea Darren was even on the bus when she shut the door behind her and found herself face to face with him. She'd been going to grab a blank cd for Naya but now took in a sharp breath.

"Oh."

"Chris asked me to ah…I should, I'm missing my tour…"

"Yeah, okay. Um. Do you like the studio? The others don't know much about the equipment, I'd like your opinion."

She flipped switches and turned knobs randomly just to give her hands something to do."

"It's killer. My favorite part is this." He pointed to the photo.

Now she met his eyes for the first time. "You recognize it?"

"Duh…it was a good day." The image was a tiny part of the picture of them taken together at the fairy tale amusement park. It had been blown up and pushed out of focus so it was just shapes and colors, no actual image but she could look at it, close her eyes and remember the soft perfume of spring in the air as they watched the children climb on gigantic representations of their favorite books.

"It was, yes, a good day."

"I'm glad you…I'm glad it's here."

She nodded. "Me too."


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next few weeks everyone spent time on what became known as the Chrissey bus. She rerecorded all of Kevin's vocals and loved having a consistent place to give lessons and warm ups.

Issey grew used to going to sleep next to Chris and then waking to find herself alone in bed. He spent most of every night writing in his office and in the morning she'd come downstairs and wake him with the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen.

She stood in his doorway two cups in hand early one morning, "I miss waking up with you."

Rubbing his eyes he took the cup gratefully. "I know, I'm sorry. I just really need to finish both of these projects soon."

"I'll leave you to it."

"No, I'm tapped out for now. Let me make you breakfast."

She watched the video of the performance from the night before, her fingers flying on her laptop as she listed all the things that would need to be fixed or dealt with before they filmed the show for a DVD/movie release.

Chris called from the kitchen, "Haven't you watched that like, 5 times already?"

"Yeah, but I have a meeting with Ryan in two hours about the filming next week."

"Meeting here?"

"Yeah, I think he just wants to see the bus."

"Zach too?"

"Yup, and his new assistant."

"OOOOh, we finally get to meet the new girl."

"Guy, new assistant is a guy."

"What's the point of that?"

"WHAT?" Issey couldn't hear Chris over the sound of clanging pans.

He raised his voice, "A guy, what's the point of him having a guy assistant?"

She gave up on the video and the computer and went to sit and watch him cook. "What do you mean?"  
"Having a girl made sense. She could teach the girls their stuff; he could teach us our stuff."

"Sexist. That isn't even how you guys do it."

"No, I guess it isn't." He put bacon into the pan where the eggs were already cooking.

"Poor guy is getting thrown in the deep end meeting with Ryan on his first day."

"Yeah hope Zach gave him a heads up. What's his name anyway?"

"Adam I think. I heard he…can I ask you something weird?"

"I can't believe you still think you have to ask me that."

"How well do you know my breasts?"

Chris turned away from the fry pan. "I'd say we're on a first name basis. Is this going somewhere?"

"I think I found a lump."

He slid the pan from the heat and went to her with concern. "Show me."

Taking his hand she placed it beside her left nipple and began to press around until he pulled his hand back quickly alarm registering in his eyes. "Honey!"

He replaced his hand to try again now that he was ready for the hard little pea under her skin. His hands were shaking.

"Don't panic, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't imagining it. It's probably nothing."

"You have to see a doctor. We have to call someone." She watched him spin in his mind.

"Please stop, Honey, stop. I already have appointments scheduled for when we're in Boston with my doctor's it's not that long. "

"It's too long. Can't we call someone in whatever the hell town we're heading into?"

She got up to get breakfast out of the pan and onto plates but he sat her down and took her place at the counter. "Chris I don't have time for appointments today. I have meetings with Ryan, Zach and Adam, then with Kevin Tancharoen and Yann. I've also heard Adam Anders might drop in to tonight's show just to judge where we are. If that happens I'll need to sit down with him."

He set the plate in front of her. "I don't recognize a full half of those names but whatever. My concern is you and your health. The meetings can wait a few hours."

"I'll need a mammogram, these things need to be scheduled in advance honey, you can't just walk in off the street."

"Have Ryan make them do it, he can get anything done."

She sighed and pushed away her food no longer hungry. "No, Ryan pays people like me who get things done, and I know where the limits are. I'm sorry, this looks really good but I don't feel too well, I'm gonna lay down."

Chris started to push his away too but she stopped him. "Eat. Make sure I don't over sleep. I need to look pulled together for this meeting."

He covered their plates with cling wrap and put them in the fridge. "I'll eat during your meeting; maybe you'll be hungry later too. I want to lay down with you, is that okay? Do you want to be left alone?"

"No, I'd love you to lay with me, just set the alarm for an hour from now."

"Hour and a half." He shuffled into his side of the bed.

"Hour. They could be early and I need to get ready."

"You're ready." He used his fingers at her hips to urge her closer to him but he needn't have bothered. She was pulling his arms around her and snuggling into his chest the moment he was settled. He'd expected further push back to the time argument but realized as he thumbed swirls in the small of her back that she was already asleep.

She was sleeping a lot lately. At first Chris didn't notice too much because it gave him time to write. In truth he thought she must get up at night and work upstairs because when they'd been in hotel rooms they were both up working most nights until the sun came up. Now he worried this was a symptom of something more sinister and regretted all the time he spent in his office, away from her.

He compromised and woke her an hour and 15 minutes later. Issey opened her eyes like it hurt to be awake. "What time is it?"

He let her know and she sat up. "I have to get dressed and brush my hair and teeth and, oh, can you bring my laptop downstairs and synch it to the tv for me?" she was already going 60 miles an hour.

"Yes, eventually." He kissed her, "Stay here." He went and got her brush, then sat behind her brushing her hair.

"Chris?"

"Mmm."

"I'm fine."

He moved her hair and kissed the back of her neck, "I know."

They both had uncomfortable feelings in the pits of their stomachs but for now they would do their best to pretend they didn't.

Chris tried to eat his breakfast while she had her meeting downstairs. His appetite disappeared when he typed "breast cancer symptoms" into the search engine on his phone.

Issey had found the lump three days ago and not said anything at first. She figured it was nothing and didn't want to start a ruckus but that morning everything was so tender and sore she just couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She knew Chris was coming a little undone upstairs but now it was time to focus on work.

Ryan was, as usual, going in 3 directions at once. He loved the bus, but was annoyed when she wouldn't let him see upstairs. He loved to snoop in every corner of people's personal lives to see what he could use to add realism and depth to the show.

Zach just laughed at him, "You aren't gonna win this one Ryan, she's rock solid on no one seeing the love loft."

"Love loft!" Ryan barked, you could see the twinkle in his eye. He was filing this away.

"That will do. Anyone want anything before we start?" As the host Issey hoped she could keep the meeting on track and under control. If she got through this fast enough she'd have time for another quick nap before her next meeting.

As it turned out Ryan had planned on being in her next meeting too, meaning he was in her life for the next couple of hours whether she liked it or not. She went to the kitchen for a bottle of water and Zach followed her.

"You okay?"

"What? Yeah, of course. Why?"

"You look a little tired."

"Did you leave Adam alone with Ryan?"

"Believe me, Adam can hold his own. And leave this one alone, I'm scared to bring any more pretty gay boys around you, we aren't going to have any left on our side."

"Ha. Ha. Stop, you're killing me with all the funny. Plus he's less pretty and more Adonis."

"Don't remind me. I'm spending all of my time trying NOT to notice."

When they returned to the living room Chris had joined Ryan and Adam. "Hey, there you are. I was just passing through to my office to do some more writing."

Issey watched Adam eye Chris as he walked away. It was easy to read his mind. She didn't know what made her do it but she quickly caught Chris around the waist and kissed him, "Honey don't you think you should try to get some sleep? You were up all night writing and you have a show tonight."

He met her eyes, completely unaware of the others in the room. His focus was entirely on getting to his computer to further his research. "I can't sleep. I might was well be productive." He kissed her forehead and disappeared behind his door.

Zach gave her a knowing look then disappeared to the bathroom. Two seconds later her phone beeped with a message.

Zach: Jesus why didn't you just pee on him?

"Excuse me; I have to just answer this." Issey tried to cover her smirk.

Issey: Fuck You.


	5. Chapter 5

A long day of hashing the same thing over a thousand times and changing her mind at least once an hour about key decisions had taken it's toll. She was exhausted, naseaous despite not having eaten and her mind was fuzzy. Everyone and their mother was sitting at the board tonight so she slipped away to rest her eyes under the stage. She chose a far room they had used earlier in the evening as a dressing room but that the cast was unlikely to come back to during the show because of its distance.

Curled on the sofa alone in the dark she closed her eyes to sleep but instead found herself crying. She fought it at first but then just gave in and let it happen. When the door opened and the slice of light from the hall fell across Issey's face there was no mistaking her misery.

"Hey, have you seen my pho…HEY, Is, what's wrong?" Darren stepped inside and reached for the light switch.

"Leave it off, please." She quickly wiped her eyes and face with the backs of her hands.

He felt his way over to her and sat down. "What's going on?"

"I'm just tired, it's nothing really." The closer he got the more clearly she could see him in the darkness. Before she could even think about it she was blurting it out, "That's not true. I found a lump and I told Chris it's nothing and I'm fine but I'm so scared Darren." She was crying again and then was in his arms. He held her, rocked her, let her cry.

When she was softly hiccuping for air, tears spent, he continue to hold her, "Have you told your doctor?"

"Not yet. I have an appointment when we're in Boston for a check up, I figure we can talk about it then."

He loosened his grip on her a little but she snuggled against him. Not caring about the tear stains on his Warbler jacket. "I think you should call him and tell him. Maybe he'll want to schedule more tests while you're home."

"Ok, yeah, maybe."

"What did Chris say?"

"He's terrified. I mean, he's trying to be supportive but I can see it in his eyes. He looks at me like I'm a ticking time bomb and any second now he's going to be crying at my funeral. He wanted me to go to a local doctor today but I don't have time for that."

"Give him a little time, you're really important to him, of course he's going to take something like this hard, but you know this doesn't have to be cancer right? It could be anything and even if it is cancer it isn't a death sentence. I have an aunt who was diagnosed with breast cancer with lymph node involvement 35 years ago and and she's doing great. I mean, it wasn't easy, I'm not saying it's a picnic, but it's not the end you know?" He pulled back, stroked his thumb across her cheek. "I know things have been weird for us but you can always talk to me if you need to. I hope you know I'll always be here for you."

"Thank you." She closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the feel of him. The safety he provided. "I miss you."

"Yeah. You too." He looked at his watch, "SHIT, Ryan is going to kill me."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm about to miss my cue."

"RUN!"

Darren tore out and she sat for a few minutes alone in the dark just savoring the calm she felt when he was there. She didn't want to think too hard about what that meant, or how Chris would feel about it, she just needed to be soothed for a minute. Yawning widely she slid down onto the sofa and was asleep in no time.

After the show Ryan, Zach and Adam had choreography changes they wanted to run on the stage with the entire cast so she went to the hotel where they would be spending the night. The only upside to sleeping in the hotel was the plumbing which was miles better than on the bus. She spent nearly an hour in the tub then got out, threw up and went to bed with a cold face cloth over her head.

She woke up to pee at 3 and Chris still wasn't back. Not giving it a single thought she went back to sleep. At 4:23 when she was again padding off to the bathroom she took her phone and checked for messages. There were none. It wasn't all that surprising though, they'd worked through the night before and with Ryan here and the video shoot to get ready for this made sense. She probably should be there but screw it, she'd deal with it tomorrow.

When 6:12 rolled around her phone beeped a message.

Chris: Finally done with rehearsal. We're going out for breakfast. U ok?

She answered, her eyes already starting to close again.

Issey: sleeeep

When she woke again he was on the other side of the bed snoring loudly. At first she laughed a little but then it got less cute. She checked the clock on the nightstand and it was 10:15 AM. There was no reason for her to be in bed anymore and it was late enough now that she could call her doc's office. Darren was right, better to let them know now so they could schedule additional testing.

She took her cellphone and went out of the room, deciding the stairwell was the place with the most privacy at this time of day and dialed. Returning to the room she found Chris awake, cellphone in hand.

"I was just about to call you, where were you?"

"You were snoring. I went out and called the doctor."

His face changed in an instant. "What did he say?"

"He's making some phone calls. He'd like me to have some blood tests and a mamogram as soon as possible."

"Good. Good. So maybe today?"

"I don't know if they work that fast but soon, yeah."

He rubbed her arms, "It's going to be okay."

"I know. How was rehearsal last night."

"Long, but fun. Adam is really funny. He even had Cory almost on beat."

"Wow, sounds like a miracle worker. Who went to breakfast?"

"Just a few of us, everyone else wanted to go to bed but Adam, Kevin, Ashely and I went."

"Cozy. Well, sorry I woke you. I need to get some work done after missing last night's show. I'll use the headphones."

"You missed last night's show?" He had been already settling back into bed, ready to catch up on sleep but now his eyes were open wide.

"I took a nap." She tried to shrug it off and set her laptop up on the desk.

"You missed a show AND a rehearsal with Ryan. To sleep. Issey. This is not okay."

"I know, okay. I know. Did he say anything about my not being there last night?"

"What? No, I don't know, I mean it's not okay that you feel that tired. Call your doctor back, tell him I'm bringing you home today." He was already pulling on his jeans.

"Babe. Seriously, calm down. I think I caught a stomach thing because I felt naseous and threw up, it's just a coincidence. When he calls me back I'll mention it okay?"

"How are you going to hear the phone with your headphones on? Wait, you threw up? Last night? Why didn't you call me? Why did you let me go out to breakfast?" his words were rushing out of his mouth.

"What were you gonna do about it? Besides by the time you went to breakfast I was sleeping."

He disappeared into the bathroom and a minute later she heard a loud thud and went to the door. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?"

He opened the door shaking his hand like it was hurt. "Nothing happened. It's fine. Have you eaten in the last 24 hours?"

"No, not really, what happened to your hand?"

"Just, uh, bumped it. I'm ordering you breakfast." He sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the room service menu.

She climbed onto the bed behind him and laid on her stomach beside him. "Your knuckles are swelling. You punched the wall. Chris. What the hell?"

He took a deep breath, held it a second, massaging his forehead. "I want to do something, you aren't yourself, you haven't been since we got our bus and I don't know what to do. Now you're missing shows and sleeping through rehearsals and not telling me when you're sick. You talk to me like I'm overreacting and like it shouldn't effect me but it does. You call your doctor from the stairway in a hotel instead of from our room. It's frustrating."

She rolled over on her back and stared at the ceiling. "Who suggested breakfast?"

"I don't remember. Are you even listening to me? What difference does it make who suggested it?"

"I guess it doesn't make any difference. You're right."

There was a knock at the door and Chris went to answer it. He came back with a bouquet of atunning pink peonies. The card read, "Whatever you need."

Chris set them down and looked at her. "They aren't from me."

"I know."

"I don't know whether to feel guilty that I didn't send them or angry that someone else did."

"How about you just feel happy for me that someone is thinking of me. They could be from Ryan, I told him I wasn't feeling great yesterday and let him know I might need a day or two off. They could be from Jim because he's feeling a little nervous about my taking this offer from Ryan since he isn't really a tv agent. "

"They aren't though, are they?"

"The card isn't signed, how would I know?"

"I shouldn't have gone to breakfast. I knew you were sick, or I mean, I knew about the lump and all and how tired you've been and I should have known that you skipped the show and rehearsal so I should have come home to you. That was your point wasn't it?"

"Point with what? You think I sent myself flowers?"

"Your point with asking who's idea it was to go to breakfast. We both know who sent the flowers. Is he the only other person you told about the lump?"

"My doctor?"

There was actual contempt on his face. "Games. Excellent. Y'know Ashley tried to tell me last night that you wouldn't be able to stay away from him."

"Oh ASHLEY thinks…wait, you were talking about me at breakfast? About me and Darren? With Ashley. And I suppose with Adam." She could barely catch her breath she was so angry. She ran into the bathroom but instead of punching a wall she threw up.

After a few minutes Chris came in with her phone in his hands. "It's your doctor." He held out the phone to her with a shaking hand.

She wiped her mouth and then her eyes and took the phone. She went to the desk for a pen and notepad and wrote as she listened saying nothing more than, "Uh huh…uh, huh…got it. Thank you."

He was sitting on the bed waiting when she hung up. "You didn't tell him about being sick."

"Didn't get a chance. He made me an appointment for today."

"Here? Or where? What time do we have to be there?" He put on his watch and grabbed his wallet but she wasn't moving.

"I have to shower and get ready. I only have to be there at 12:45. Here, um, at, I don't know where this is." She was shell shocked. She didn't expect her doctor to be this worried, she expected an appointment in a few days maybe. She handed Chris the paper.

"Okay, I'll have a car come get us, let me call them and ask how long it should take us to get there from here. What do you want for the shower, do you want me to get your clothes or um, I don't know, should I call Ryan and let him know we won't be around this afternoon?" He was back in organizing mode and again treating her like she might break.

This time she was grateful. She felt like she was walking underwater, or in a dream. Everything was wavy at the edges and his voice sounded far away. When she got into the shower she called to him and he was there in a second. "Stay in here? I feel a little dizzy."

"I'm not going anywhere."

He dried her hair and she pulled it into a ponytail. When they were ready to leave and Ryan and Zach had been told they would be MIA for the day he stopped her at the door. "Do you want me to call Darren, do you want him at the doctor's with us?"


	6. Chapter 6

Issey didn't want Darren to come, but she did want to call him and let him know they were going. She knew she should ask if Chris minded but she also knew the answer didn't matter enough to stop her. She needed to just hear his voice, a voice of calm, of reason. She called as they walked to the elevator, Chris asking if she wanted privacy but she waved the thought away.

Darren answered, his voice hoarse with sleep. "Babe?"

"Hey. Sorry."

The fog lifted quickly when he heard her voice, "No, it's okay, what's up."

"Thank you. They were so beautiful."

Chris just kept his head down and pressed the button to call the elevator.

"I just y'know, wanted you to know…was he mad? I really didn't mean to…I didn't even think of it until after I'd ordered them."

"It's fine, I'm just calling to tell you I spoke to the doctor and they made an appointment for me today. I'm actually on my way now."

"Wow, that was fast. Are you alright? Is Chris going to go with you? Do you need anything?"

"I'm just a little shaky, Chris is right here with me. I just wanted you to know because I won't be around today and I didn't want you to think anything was wrong."

"Thanks for telling me." She could hear him breathing then. "You're okay. I know you are. I'd feel it if you weren't."

"Yeah. I think so too. Okay, we're on our way to the car. I'll see you later."

"Is?"

"Mm?"

"I know I'm not supposed to say it, but I love you."

"I know. Thanks."

She slid into the car next to Chris. "Are we fighting?"

He shook his head, "I don't know."

"If we are can we table it for now?"

"Yeah." He held his arm up and she willingly cuddled under it.

She felt him breathe in, as if he had something to say, then release it as he thought better of it.

"Go ahead."

"It can wait."

"It'll be worse worrying, just say it."

"I hate how much you need him."

"He's just calm. We're scared. I appreciate that you're scared. I'd be upset, I think, if you weren't scared. I just also needed someone who cares to be calm."

"Someone? Or him?"

"Someone who knows. And just so you know, I didn't seek out telling him, he found me crying last night when he came looking for his phone in the dressing room. I thought everyone was upstairs."

"Wow. Okay."

"What?"

"No, I'm just…you're hiding to cry and I'm spending the whole night out and then going out after that. Yeah."

"It's not like you're with me when you're there anyway. It didn't matter."

"So we're fighting." Chris deduced as they pulled into the hospital parking lot.

"I'm not fighting; I'm just saying that you're writing all the time, I'm used to you not being there in bed with me, and I wasn't trying to say you should have come home, I was just telling you that he found me crying and it was easier to just tell him the truth."

He got out of the car and took her hand as she got out too. They walked inside and the previous conversation was forgotten. She checked in at the women's health center and the smiling woman behind the desk handed her a clipboard. "Answer all the questions, front and back and I'll need a copy of your license and your health care card."

Chris stroked her back absently while she wrote. He was a fish out of water here. He didn't look at the form at all until she stopped writing and looked up at him, her mouth open.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

She pointed at the questions.

When was your last period?

Is there any chance you could be pregnant?

He swallowed hard. She covered her mouth with her hand. "Chris, how could I be so stupid?"

"Stop, you aren't stupid, we've been busy, maybe you just didn't notice missing…you've missed I take it?"

"I was" was she really going to say this to him? There was intimacy and there was too much information. "spotting, for a while. I'm not usually very regular when I'm on the road but now it makes sense, being exhausted, being sick, being so sensitive about stuff with you."

His eyes were wide; she couldn't tell if it was surprise of fear.

She started writing again, feeling Chris's entire body tense next to her. When she looked back up at him his eyes were red, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth. He was whispering, "Will they tell us today?"

Her heart contracted, she couldn't do this if he wasn't going to be able to at least pretend to not be devastated before they even knew. "Tell us what, the results of my mammogram? I don't think so."

He pointed again to the question, "No. This."

"Oh. Yes, I suppose they will." She was about to tell him not to panic, that she wouldn't force him to be a part of anything he didn't want to be but he spoke first.

"Thank God. I mean, it's going to be hard to wait for the other results but Love, this could be really happening. We could be having a baby!" He sounded excited, hopeful even. Issey wasn't sure she was quite at the hopeful stage but it would certainly be easier to get the news knowing Chris wanted this.

She finished the form and gave it and the required cards to the still smiling receptionist. They were called back to an exam room sooner than she expected. A dark haired nurse came in and went over the paperwork with her. When they got to the possibility of being pregnant Issey explained that she wasn't always regular so calculating when she last missed a period was a little tough. The nurse suggested the doctor would want to add a pregnancy test to her panel and Issey agreed.

When the doctor came in she asked Issey if she was comfortable with Chris staying in the room for the breast exam. Issey was so she proceeded, finding the mass quickly but making no discernible notice of it. When she was through she asked Issey if the mass she discovered was the one of concern. Issey said it was. She addressed both of them when she asked how recently it had shown up. They talked a little longer and the doctor let them know that she was going to wait for the results of the blood work and urine dip before doing the mammogram she had come for. She didn't say she was specifically waiting for the pregnancy portion of the test but it was all Chris or Issey could think about. Instead of making them go back to the waiting room she allowed them to stay in the exam room.

When they were alone Chris pulled his chair closer to the table, leaning in to kiss Issey before sitting back down. She took his hand when he offered it but told him. "I don't want to talk about this possibility until we know."

"Okay." He didn't need to say a word for her to read his eyes. He wanted this. He would be crushed if she came back in and said it was a no. He had gone from walking in here with dread for her health to the possibility of walking out of here a father and he wasn't going to let that go easily.

Only Issey realized what he hadn't yet. Her pregnancy did not, by default, make him a parent. She couldn't deal with his hope. There was no point bringing up the potential that it wouldn't be his baby until they knew if there was a baby at all, or if there was, how far along she was. They had only not been careful twice, and she had only been with Darren the one time, but in their need to devour each other neither had given a thought to safety. If she was less than five weeks pregnant there would be no need to wonder.

"Chris?"

He looked up at her questioningly.

"I don't want to fight, but I want to ask you something."

He nodded.

"Why would you talk about me with Ashley? You know she doesn't like us together."

"I didn't. Not really. She mentioned that you didn't come to rehearsal and asked if you were okay."

"You didn't tell her about the lump did you?"

"No, but I told her you hadn't been feeling that great lately. Then she said maybe I should have gone home because Darren didn't come out with us and I needed to guard my territory. I told her she was being bitchy and to stop it and she said you'd go back to him just as soon as you got done proving that you could 'get' me."

"Fantastic."

"I started to tell her off but then Adam told her that he was sure I wasn't just a notch in your belt."

"Adam said that huh? What else did he say?"

"I don't know, why?"

She smirked, "Tell me what he said?"

"He said that no one would let someone like me go." Chris's ears turned scarlet.

"Sweet."

"You don't like him much do you?"

"What makes you think that?"

"You get a tone when you talk about him. He defended us."

"He defended you, and your yumminess, and I don't like the way he looks at your ass."

It was Chris's turn to smirk, "Jealous?"

"Don't be so happy about it." She nudged him with her foot.

He got up and sat next to her on the exam table, "Can't help it. I feel like you're mad at me all the time lately. It's nice to know you still think of me as yours, not to mention yummy."

"I'm not mad at you. I just don't feel like myself, and you seem to be avoiding me. I feel like since we got the bus we spend less time together than before."

"Maybe we need to talk more huh?"

"Yeah."

"And kiss more?"

"Yeah."

They were still kissing when the doctor returned. "Aww, you guys are sweet. So I have the results back, I'm going to suggest we not do a mammogram today."

They held hands and he squeezed hers gently. "Do you think the lump is not a problem then?"

"I'd actually prefer to do an ultrasound of the lump. A mammogram will tell me that there is a lump, an ultrasound will tell me about the lump. At the same time, if you like, we can have a look at your baby." With this she smiled widely, confident that this would be good news to the couple who couldn't help but make out in the examination room.

They hugged and he kissed her softly, now both their eyes filled with tears. "Will you be able to give me a due date today or is it too soon?"

"I should be able to tell you today. Are you going to be able to follow up with your own doctor soon?"

"I'll be home in around three weeks, I'll see him then."

"I'd like to do a pelvic exam today, a pap smear, all the standard prenatal stuff, depending on how far along you are. Let's start with the ultrasound okay?"

"It looks like a Sea Monkey!" Chris exclaimed as the doctor focused their attention to a small screen.

"Oh my God, it does, it looks like a Sea Monkey."

"You cheated on me with a Sea Monkey; I'm flushing them when we get home."

The tech laughed with them but adjusted the screen and the sea monkey was gone, turned to just a blob. "The 2 D image is less precise, but it helps us to pick up some stuff."

After checking her breast they went back to the exam room for her pap and internal exam. She looked at Chris. "You're excused. You don't want to see this. Go get some diet coke or something, but listen to me, you tell NO ONE about this until we've had a chance to talk alone okay?"

"Got it. You sure you don't want me to stay?"

"I have never been more positive about anything. Get out. I'll text you when we're ready for you to come back."

When he was gone she asked the first question she needed the answer to. "How far along?"

"Roughly 6 and a half weeks."

She closed her eyes. This was a nightmare. The second question was the most embarrassing then she'd ever had to ask in her life.

Looking down at her hands she heard her voice waiver "How soon can we do a paternity test?"


	7. Chapter 7

They agreed not to talk about "The Sea Monkey" until they were completely alone. That meant not discussing it in the car on the way to the show because they had a driver and it was a sedan so there was  
no partition. At first Chris tried talking around the situation without actually saying it but Issey had dealt with these drivers before. They were adept at reading between the lines and made their real money selling secrets to the tabloids.

The cast didn't really read the tabloids, they avoided seeing anything about themselves in the press but Issey always kept up with what people were saying about her clients. The rumors had already begun that the famously out and proud Chris Colfer was seen getting close with a (gasp) girl. Had she and Darren been less careful it would probably be an even more disturbing headline. They absolutely did not need to turn the headline into Chris Colfer to father baby with vocal coach only to find that Darren was the dad. She had never wanted her own life in the press and had always been very careful to keep her name out of stories about her clients.

Once at the arena they ran into Naya who wanted a few minutes with Issey to go over breathing techniques that might help her get through some of the choreography changes that were being made so Issey worked with her while Chris went to make up. Ryan was waiting for her and after asking about her health he started in with a list of concerns he had about the show's vocals. He wanted her to work on group numbers that night after the show the same way Zach and Adam had worked over the choreo the night before. She agreed because she didn't know what else to do. They truly did need to group rehearsal time and she couldn't sleep forever. Plus it would put off the inevitable conversation with Chris.

Darren texted her while she was with Ryan.

Darren: How did it go?

Issey: Did different test. No results yet. Talk later w/Ryan now.

Darren: k. backstage when show starts?

Issey: B board. Will let u kno when

She couldn't talk to Darren before a serious conversation with Chris and she couldn't even think about that now. Issey was relieved when the show began, she could focus on work and not on the future. It was working for a short while. She and Ryan wrote notes back and forth on his iPad during the opening about things they'd like to work on or maybe change for the DVD, mostly dialog, not so much with the vocals here. Everything was fine until Chris came out for his solo.

His voice broke from the very first note. Instead of focusing on the crowd, shaking hands and connecting with people in the pits on either side of the ramp he walked to the front of the stage and just looked  
right out at where he knew Issey sat. She knew he couldn't see her with all the lights in his face but still it felt like he were looking directly in her eyes as he sang "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and tears ran  
down his face.

Sure the fans would think he was acting, they all knew the scene where he'd done the song originally was one of the most heart wrenching of the show's history, but she felt the emotions pouring over all of their heads, reaching across the arena and honing in on just her. Watching him, knowing he was singing to the baby, as much if not more than he was to her was breaking her heart. She couldn't stop her own tears, she tried to focus on anything but what was happening. She listened for things she could pick apart about his voice but all she could hear was the softness with which he always told her he loved her.

Issey got up and ran past the fans, past security and disappeared into the hallway used for moving the cast between the main and auxiliary stages. She made it as far as the ladies room door before she started to wretch. The sound was loud and raw and when she paired it with the running water of three faucets it finally drowned out Chris's voice. She threw up until there was nothing but bitter tasting bile choking her, getting stuck in her throat. She cried loudly, wailing like a child, coughing, choking, spitting, her eyes watering. She hated herself more than she ever thought possible. Chris was out there pouring his heart out to her and to a child that he assumed was his.

Issey sat on the counter and let her head rest against the cool mirror. Her face was covered in red blotches, swollen with tears, heat radiating from her. Closing her eyes she thought back to that night, lying on her sofa, home at last from a tour that had sucked the life out of her. She hadn't wanted to do this tour, knew that she was in no shape to get back on the road and go back to work. If she'd been her own client she'd have advised herself to take some time off, that she wasn't going to be able to help anyone until she took time to recharge her own batteries. Problem was she was much better at giving advice than taking it.

Now she had fucked up 4 people's lives by allowing her legendary control to slip. She had no idea what she'd do with a baby. A baby in no way figured into her vision of her life. She'd never considered the whole marriage, children, house in the burbs thing. Ever. When most little girls were marrying their Barbie's off to Ken and setting up nurseries in Barbie's Dream House Issey was lining up her Teddy Bears and Cabbage Patch Dolls to get into Barbie's one woman show. She stayed on the move and that was no life for a kid.

She'd also gone from being a virtual virgin to a slut who had no idea who the father of her unborn child was in a matter of months. She felt like she should have a scarlet letter on her shirt, branding her for the whore that she felt like.

She beat herself up mentally as her breathing returned to normal and jumped when her phone buzzed in her pocket. Zach had texted a question mark. She quickly texted back "tell ya later on my way out". She was going to have a whole lot of uncomfortable "later's" in her future.

Coming off stage Chris's vision was blurry and he ran directly into Darren. "Hey, sorry."

"S'alright. You okay?"

"Yeah. Fine."

"She said you guys didn't get any answers today. Did that change?" Darren was trying to tread lightly, he knew Chris was still angry with him, especially where Issey was concerned but he had to know.

"Not about that, no." Chris started to walk away for his costume change but Darren grabbed his arm.

"Look I'm sorry about the flowers; I just wanted her to know she could talk to me. I wasn't trying to get her back or anything."

Chris nodded. "Let me ask you something, man to man. Did you ever really love her?"

Darren's eyes were wide, he knew he'd been an ass in a lot of ways but it never even occurred to him that Chris didn't believe he loved her.

"I still do. I won't lie to you about that. I'm not trying to get her back, that wouldn't work anyway, but yeah, I love her, I don't know when it happened, when the attraction turned to something more, it  
felt like right away."

"Then you know how it feels to be afraid to lose her. Be her friend if she needs you to but don't expect me to be comfortable with it. I'm struggling with the testing from today, I don't just want her to be  
okay, I need her to be."

"I know. I'm your friend too, even if it doesn't feel that way. We're both invested in her health and happiness; maybe we should try being supportive together."

"Yeah. I guess. I gotta go change."

After the show Issey went to the stage to work with everyone. The first order of business was to stop in Ryan's words, "Whatever it is that Cory's doing that sounds like he's constipated and mad about it."

She parked herself on a stool and called Cory and Lea to the stage everyone else sitting in the pit audience seats. Rolling playback on their rehearsal tape she had Cory sing alone and it was okay, not fantastic, but it would work. Issey added in Lea and suddenly Cory was straining, pushing for all he was worth to get the notes out.

"Okay, Cory, stop. Tell me what's going on in your head when you do this."

"I'm just trying to y'know hit the notes and get it out there so they can hear me."

"Over Lea?"

"Um, no? I don't know. With Lea I guess, I just, she's got a really powerful voice and we're supposed to be in harmony so it should be the same right?"

"Sometimes that's true, here it isn't. Think of it as using your voice to underline hers."

She had them try it together again but Cory just went lower not understanding the metaphor.

"Darren, Chris, c'mere a minute?" she called.

Darren popped on stage and grabbed a mic. Chris took a little more time, unsure of what she had in mind.

"Sing the chorus of Candles, Chris, you do what you always do, Darren, sing it with him, like Cory is already doing with Lea."

They sang it and their voices clashed creating a noise instead of anything pleasing.

"You can stop, thank you. One more time now, Chris again, just like you did before, Darren, make it shine."

They started up again, this time Darren's voice hitting the same notes but complimenting Chris's letting Chris's voice ring out beautifully and giving it a place to bounce from, to land on, to soar off of. The difference was a world away.

"Woah." Cory was blown away. "I can't do that."

"You can. Thank you Love, that was gorgeous, you can sit. Darren, do me a favor, sing this with Cory and Lea. Cory try to pay attention to what Darren is doing and try to emulate it."

At 2:00 they took a break. Chris got Issey alone for a minute and she fell into his arms dramatically. "You smell good."

Chris made a face, "Gross, I'm sweaty."

She inhaled deeply. "Irresistible."

"Okay, okay, crazy lady. How're you holding up?"

"I'm beat. How are you doing this? Aren't you exhausted? You didn't sleep at all last night,"

"I'm worried about you." He sat them both into a corner on the floor because there wasn't anywhere else to sit. "How do you feel?"

"Like I could sleep for a month and throw up for days. Plus I'm really thirsty. And whiny and I hate when I'm whiny." She poked out her bottom lip and rubbed the top of her nose against his shirt, burrowing in, wanting to stay like that for the rest of the night.

Chris watched her, amazed at the difference between the commanding, authoritative woman on stage and the sweet, needy, pliant girl who just wanted him to hold her. "Then call it a night Honey, Ryan knows what's going on, well, half of it, he'll understand."

"It's not about Ryan, it's about the show. If I stop now we won't be ready in time for the DVD shoot. We have to just keep going."

"But is it okay for…The Sea Monkey?"

"The Sea Monkey can sleep while I work, I think, I don't even know if it sleeps yet. Wow Chris, I have so much to learn."

He spoke into her hair between kisses to her head. "We'll learn. We'll figure it all out."

Her stomach did another flip as she thought about how long it would be before they'd have time to talk about this. She needed him to stop talking about this baby as if it were his, it just made everything harder. She did what she knew best, "Back to work."

Over the next few hours both Darren and Chris checked on her periodically, sometimes with just a look, sometimes with a quick question. It was either touching or annoying depending on her quickly alternating moods.

When 5:30 rolled around Issey looked at Ryan. "They have to sleep. They were up all last night, we have to get up and get on the buses at noon. They have a show tomorrow and two the next day. They won't have voices at all if we don't let them rest."

"You win, everyone off to bed."

Chris took Issey's hand as they went to the limos to ride back to the hotel. "I think we should sleep on the bus in the parking lot so you don't have to get up. I'll get the stuff from the hotel."

"Tempting but no, as much as I'd love to sleep in our own bed I think I might spend more time in the bathroom than the bed tonight and I'd rather be at the hotel for that. Sorry, I know that's gross."

"No, it isn't, it's just fact." They shared a limo with Ryan and Kevin but Issey was asleep on Chris's shoulder before they left the parking lot.

Struggling, Issey grunted her frustration from the middle of the bed. She had been tugging on a t shirt to sleep in but got stuck half way through and just didn't have the energy to fight her way out. Chris giggled and came to her rescue, "Here, hang on, I've got it."

When her face popped through there were tears in her eyes. "I can't even put on a shirt. How am I going to do this?"

"Aw Honey, it's okay. You're just tired. Lie down, give me two seconds and we'll go to sleep." He tore off his clothes leaving them in a pile on a nearby chair, then grabbed a water and a ginger ale from the mini bar and placed them on her nightstand, turned on the bathroom light, closed the door until only a crack shone through and finally turned off their lights and climbed into bed.

"Alarm." She mumbled.

"On my phone, took care of it in the car while you were sleeping in the car." He reassured her while curling around her, spooning her against him, wrapping his arm around her waist and letting his lips settle on her neck. "Stop worrying. I've got you, go to sleep."

She placed her hand over his where it rested on her tummy. "We have to talk."

"I know. There's so much to say, we'll get there, now's not the time. "

"The longer we wait the worse it will be."

"Did you tell him yet?"

Oh she was awake now. "What?"

"Darren, did you tell him he might be a father?"

He didn't move, didn't pull his lips away just spoke the words quietly against her skin.

"No. I wanted to talk to you about it first. I didn't think you'd considered it."

"I'm not stupid. I can count. Whatever happens we'll deal with it. I love you, I'm here for you," His thumb caressed her stomach, "both of you."

She rolled over to face him, crying again. "I hate that I put us in this situation. I love you."

"Stop." He kissed her softly, "We're done with that. It happened, we can't change it, I want us to try to just be happy now. Are you happy?"

"Relieved. I was so worried about how angry you'd be when I told you, how disappointed, but if you can not hate me then yes, I'm happy."

He shook his head at her, "I love you. Get that through your thick head please. If I hadn't known about the two of you it would be different but I did. Unless…it was just that one time right?"

She stroked his hair and swallowed hard, "Just the one time, I swear it."

"So okay, tomorrow after you've had a good sleep we'll get him on the bus and I'll stay in my office or upstairs or whatever and you tell him. We should find out how soon we can know which one of us it is though because the not knowing is hard."


	8. Chapter 8

Issey slept especially well for the first time in a while. Chris stayed in bed, not getting up to write or play video games, but not sleeping either. He tried, he was certainly tired enough, but when he heard her snoring he allowed his mind to drift a stream of consciousness that faded in and out of reality, touching on that sleepy strangeness and then jarring him awake into panic again.

He loved her, of course he did, and the prospect of being a father was something he'd never considered before today. At first it was supremely exciting to think about, the same way it was exciting when his parents would tell him they were getting a new puppy. You consider all of the wonderful possibilities. Picture yourself in the future loving this new addition to your family and playing with it in the sunshine. The reality is usually more cleaning up potty mistakes and he guessed it would be the same here.

Not that he'd mind. Probably. He'd helped with his sister and all. Oh. His sister.

Chris loved Hannah with his whole heart but he'd seen her struggle with a terrible form of epilepsy, remembered vividly all the nights in the icu watching his family hold their breath and wait to see what each new treatment would do to her tiny body. He glanced at the time, wondering if his mom might be awake yet but it was too early. He'd never thought about whether Hannah's issues could be carried on by him genetically, and he and Issey had discussed her having an aunt with frequent Grand Mal seizures from her epilepsy. He needed to find out if both of them having the disease in their families would put their baby at greater risk. He'd call his mom later, maybe while Issey talked to Darren.

Darren, yet another thing that made the nausea rise in him. It would be one thing if he was the asshole Chris wanted to pretend he was but in truth he was a guy in love who had been confused by his feelings, something Chris understood only too well. Tonight he had lied to Issey for the first time. It did matter, what happened between her and Darren. It hurt more than he would ever admit to her and to have a permanent reminder of her inability to resist him in their lives would be a wound that wouldn't ever heal.

Issey made a tiny whining noise beside him and he put his hand on her to calm her. His eyes had adjusted to the dark enough so he could see her fingers curled around her favorite soft blanket. He knew every freckle on her forearm, could trace them in his mind even though there wasn't enough light in the room to see them. Watching her sleep he knew he could find a way to love anything that was a part of her, even if it was a reminder of how much she wanted or needed someone else. She had still chosen him.

She was awake when Chris's phone alarm went off. He was disoriented to find her not in bed and wondered if that was how she felt when he snuck out to write in the middle of the night. It didn't take more than a second to know where she was. Fortunately for her he heard the water running as she stepped into the shower and not the amazing Technicolor performance of puking she'd given only moments before.

Chris went in to check on her. "You alright?"

"Just taking a shower before we have to relocate. C'mon in."

"I am in." He picked up his toothbrush.

She poked her head out through the curtain, "ALL the way in."

He met her eye in the mirror. "Yeah?"

She smiled and ducked back behind the curtain.

Two seconds later the water was running down his back as she kissed the toothpaste off the corner of his mouth. "Sleep did you good."

"Waking up to find a sexy man in my bed did me good." She ran her hands down his torso before pressing herself against him, full body to full body.

He began to respond, kissing her throat, her clavicle, dipping his head to capture a nipple and stopping. She felt her skin go cold as she watched the panic cross his face. Issey stepped back first, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Honey I'm sorry, come here."

She stepped out of the tub grabbing for a towel. "My phone's ringing,"

"Hey Ryan." She had her back to Chris, the towel wrapped around her. He followed her, dripping wet to the bedroom but she continued her conversation and kept her back to him no matter where he moved to.

He went back to the bathroom with his jeans and t shirt in hand and closed the door behind him. When he returned to the room she was off the phone and had a sundress on.

"Will you grab my laptop and overnight bag? I have to stop at Ryan's room before we move to the buses."

"Yep, no problem. He isn't getting on our bus though right?"

"No, that's why I'm going to his room now, to avoid the 'I'll just ride with you' thing. I texted Darren though and he's gonna ride with us."

"Oh. Right, you know what, I'm going to go on my old bus, let you and Darren have some privacy." There was anger in his voice but she didn't acknowledge it.

"Okay then, I'll just carry my own stuff then, that's fine." She kept telling herself not to cry.

"I can still take your stuff but suit yourself. Whatever you prefer. If you want I can drop it at Darren's room and he can bring it with him."

Typing into her phone and answered him absently, "Don't bother; he's going to come grab it for me."

Chris grabbed his own bag and left without another word. She sighed and called Ryan back explaining that she wasn't feeling well and asking if they could talk when they got to the arena. He agreed so she waited for Darren, let him shoulder her bags and headed out.

"So am I stepping into the middle of something here?"

"How do you mean?" she pressed the button for the elevator.

He raised his ridiculous triangle eyebrows at her. "Chris couldn't just do this?"

"Oh my God just give them to me, how can two bags be such a big deal?"

"Hey calm down. I've got them, wow you guys must have really gone at it."

"I need a drink."

"It's 11:30 in the morning."

"Water. Gatorade. I'm dehydrated."

"Ah, abrupt subject change not alcoholic cry for help. Gotcha."

"Today is going to be long and I'm not sure I'm going to make it through."

He put down the bags on a chair in the lobby and hugged her. "I'm here, whatever happens, you'll make it."

Ashley walked past, "Oh my God they don't even have the decency to keep it behind closed doors."

Darren just hugged Issey closer.

"Can we just go to the bus? I'm in no mood to be nice or professional. I might just start ripping heads off. "

They climbed on board and she told Fred not to wait for Chris. He said nothing, just pulled the privacy partition and started the bus.

"You want me to put your bags upstairs?"

"Sure, just throw them on the bed. I'm going to grab a Gatorade, you want anything?"

Darren was half way up the stairs, "You have tea? My throat is…"

"STOP!" She ran into the living room. "Sorry, um, can you come back down?"

"I'll be down in a sec, I'm just gonna put the bags up…"

"NO. No, uh, I kinda have a thing about no one going up there."

"Oh, right, I remember now. Sorry." He backed down and left the bags behind the stairs.

"It's okay. I wouldn't really mind you being up there but Chris would flip his shit because I made such a big deal about no one going up but us."

"Is that why I'm here right now? To make Chris mad?" he filled the teapot with water from the fridge while she grabbed the canister of leaves and steeping ball.

"No. It was his idea actually. I wanted to talk to you about the doctor visit yesterday and he said I should have you come on the bus, his plan was to hang out in his office or upstairs but then we had a little skirmish this morning and he decided to ride the boy bus and leave us alone."

"News can't be good from the doctor if Chris suggested we be alone."

"Have you eaten? I can make breakfast or lunch, I don't know how long you've been up."

"No, I'm fine. If you're hungry you should eat."

"Food and I are in a skirmish too. Make me a cup of that tea though, will you?"

She sat at the table and watched him steep the tea into the mugs instead of the pot, making it stronger this way. Her phone beeped a message and she checked it, expecting it to be Ryan.

Chris: I'm sorry. I love you.

Issey: I know. Me too. Don't worry.

Chris: Barely slept last night. Ask Darren if I can sleep in his bunk?

"Chris wants to know if he can nap in your bunk. He didn't sleep much last night."

"Ask him if I can sleep in his bed." His eyes sparkled with mischief.

Issey: He says of course. I love you.

Chris: He loves me?

Issey: Shut up.

Chris: Did you tell him yet?

Issey: We just got here.

Chris: K. Done interrupting now. I'm not going to find any of your underthings in his bed am I?

Issey: I only slept in YOUR bunk, & you don't let me wear them anyway.

Chris: :}

Issey: Behave. I'm going now.

Chris: Call me if the doc calls.

Issey: you got it dude

Chris: ?

Issey: Full House…C'MON!

Chris: lol

Darren set her cup down in front of her. "I take it by the smile on your face the two of you are making up."

"We never fight for long. Let's go in the other room, it's more comfortable."

They settled onto the leather sofa, each on either side, separated by a red circular pillow. Darren sipped his tea then smiled at her over the rim of his cup. "Okay, it's time. Talk to me."

"They wouldn't do a mammogram yesterday so I had an ultrasound instead. I should have an answer today about the next step."

"Why no mammogram?"

She watched his eyes carefully, "They did some blood tests first and it turns out I'm pregnant."

"Wow. I…Wow."

"Yeah. Do that for another 24 hours and you'll be somewhere close to where Chris and I are right now. I wanted to tell you yesterday but there was no time to be alone and we're not telling anyone else yet."

"But Chris okay'd telling me?"

"Darren, I'm around 7 weeks."

He looked confused for a minute; as if he didn't understand the significance but then slowly it came to him. He set his mug on the coffee table and took her hands in his. "So I'm the father?"

"I don't know. It could be either of you. Believe me I feel horrible. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have to ask how soon we could do a paternity test? The doctor didn't blink an eye but I felt like the biggest slut. She's probably imagining a room full of guys, like I'm straight off of Jerry Springer or something."

"She didn't flinch because it happens all the time. She probably figured that like a million people before you were in a complicated situation. So Chris knows it could be either of ours. He can't be loving that."

"He's been really sweet about it. I told him about us so he worked out for himself that we couldn't know for sure yet."

"When can we?"

"Three weeks is the soonest."

"Is it safe?"

She took her hands away so she could back and pull her legs up. She pulled the pillow that separated them out of the sofa and stretched her legs across his lap. He automatically went to massaging her feet and she laid her head back. "Completely safe, apparently they worked out that they can take my blood and find traces of the father's DNA in it. If you stop doing that I'll break your hands."

"Feet bothering you? Other than that how've you been feeling?"

"Not great. I just want to sleep all the time and when I'm not sleeping I'm puking or crying."

"That explains the skirmish with food. You didn't exactly have plans for a baby though, like are you excited, scared, what?" He moved his hands up to her legs and massaged her calves.

"I don't know. When we found out Chris was so excited I didn't think he realized it could be yours so I was scared to tell him. When he finally told me he knew I was relieved that I didn't have to drop a bomb on him. Now I don't know, I'm scared I guess. I don't know what I'm going to do with a baby it wasn't in my plans, or Chris's, I'm sure it wasn't in yours."

"Well, not my immediate plans, no, but in the future it was. Can I point something out to you?"

"Not if it's going to depress me."

"You never said you were worried about telling me. I think somewhere inside you know we're meant to be together and this may be the easiest way to get started on our lives together."


	9. Chapter 9

Easy?" Issey pulled her legs back and leaned forward. "Yeah, this is super easy. I mean, I made a decision that was about the hardest thing I've ever had to do and now I'm having a baby and I don't know who the father is and either way someone is going to get hurt, well, no I mean, maybe you'll just be relieved if it isn't yours but it would be hard for Chris if it is yours and even though he keeps saying it would be okay I know it wouldn't. I know he'd try but he's already pulling away from me and yes yes, I'm praying it's yours because then I can just tell Chris, you know what, we gave it a go but Darren's sperm wanted it more so I'm dumping you and running back to him."

Darren just sat across from her barely concealing the smirk from his face. "You done?"

"Very."

"So easy was the wrong word, and of course I don't expect you to leave Chris if the baby is mine. I guess that was a stupid thing to say, but you didn't seem worried about telling me. When I asked you how you felt about it you told me you'd been scared for Chris, scared for yourself but I guess I just hoped that you knew telling me would be okay because you know I'm there for you. Not that Chris isn't there for you. You know what? I'm going to stop talking because I'm rambling and saying the wrong things and this isn't what you need. What do you need?"

"I need normal. Just…normal."

"Want to lose some video games?"

"Yes, actually, I'd love to beat you at some video games."

They got completely lost in games for over an hour, not speaking except to taunt each other. During one particularly heated match Issey asked, "So you took that pretty calmly. Am I not the first girl to come with you with this news?"

Darren paused the game. "Yes, you are the first. Well, no, that's not true but the other time it was more of a 'I think I'm pregnant' thing and she wasn't."

"Okay, but how do you feel about it? You've asked how I feel but didn't say anything about how you feel."

He ran his hands over his face before responding. "I don't know. I know I was pretty glib earlier but in truth I don't think it had settled in. I think I was hearing 'I might be pregnant.' Not I AM pregnant. I feel a hundred different things, but I know that I want to be supportive. I'll do whatever you want but as far as how I feel I think I need some time to digest this."

"I'm still figuring it out myself, but promise me you'll be honest with me about whatever you feel, not just tell me what you think I want to hear."

"I promise. You said you and Chris aren't telling anyone."

"We aren't. My decision, I mean, for obvious reasons right now, but even once we know, we can find out at 10 weeks but they say it's best to wait until after the 12th week to tell people. I'd like to keep it quiet until then. Plus it's going to be a pr nightmare no matter which of you it is."

Darren shook his head.

"What?"

"You. You're so focused on the work aspect."

"It's what I do. I throw myself into work to avoid the scarier stuff but the pr thing is a personal nightmare too. I don't really want to be 'that' girl in the press."

Darren looked thoughtful for a few moments then gave her a half smile. "We just have to deal with that as it comes. I'm not going to say it won't get ugly, it might, but I don't know, you're really strong and you have us." He pulled her into him so they lay back against to sofa, her tucked under his arm, "And you take such amazing care of everyone I know you're going to be a super mother. I think whatever we go through it's going to be worth it when we're holding this beautiful little baby."

She smiled up at him, "You think so?"

"I know so. I can't wait to meet him, or her. Whether it's mine or Chris's I know this will be the most loved baby by all three of us."

She yawned, "I hope so. I feel like my whole world got turned upside down in a day and now all the stuff I used to worry about means nothing and I have to learn to worry about stuff I don't even know about yet."

"I'm losing you to sleep. It's fine, you need your rest, but let me ask you something first? You have Chris to talk about this with but I'm kind of out there on my own. Would you be okay with me telling my brother Chuck?"

"You aren't out on your own. You're a part of this until we know you aren't, and you can talk to me, and I wish you and Chris could talk but yeah, I'm okay with you telling Chuck. I think we should all have one person we can talk to that we aren't afraid of hurting their feelings."

"Who is that going to be for you?"

"Can't it just be you?" she was drifting off now.

"I hope it always is."

She woke up wrapped around Darren, feeling warm and safe. Issey looked up and said the first thing that entered her mind, "You have stupid lips."

"Shut up. Go back to sleep."

"No. You have stupid perfect lips and stupid perfect eyelashes. I hope the baby has those." And she was asleep again.

The next time she woke Darren was handing her a phone. "It's your doctor, Babe! Wake up."

"Hello?"

"Hi, I'm looking for Isabelle Mooney."

"Speaking."

"This is Kayla from Dr. Loch's office. We wanted to let you know we had a look at your ultrasound captures and we do have concerns about the lump in your breast. We'd like to do a biopsy as soon as possible."

"I'm sorry, I'm already on my way to our next city. Is this something that can wait until I see my own doctor in two weeks?"

"It CAN but it probably shouldn't."

"Is all of this information being sent to my doctor at home?"

"It is, yes."

"I'd like to discuss this with him and call you back, is that okay?"

"Of course, yes."

Issey hung up and noticed Darren at the edge of the sofa watching her closely. She'd forgotten he was in the room.

"So?"

"They have more tests they'd like to run, pretty routine. Um, do you mind if I leave you alone for a few minutes? I promised Chris I'd call him when the doctor called and I need to call my doctor as well."

"Sure, yeah, just, I guess it doesn't matter really but more tests on you or the baby?"

"Oh, me, yeah, it's about the lump. The baby stuff is fine as far as we know. Chris and I call him the Sea Monkey cause that's what he looks like right now."

"You saw him? Wait, him?"

"Her, it. It isn't anything yet. Yes, we did. If I had known the situation I would have had you come with us but next time you're welcome if you want to come."

"Of course I do. Okay, go make your calls. Let me know if there's anything you need."

"Yeah, thank you. If you get hungry help yourself to anything in the kitchen."

"Actually, do you mind if I go play in the studio for a bit?"

"Oh, God no, please, enjoy."

Upstairs she climbed into bed and called her doctor first. He agreed both that she should see him and see an oncologist in Boston; he also agreed that she shouldn't wait.

She called Chris. Who answered the phone with: "Did you hear from the doctor?"

"I did."

"Hold on, let me get somewhere private…okay, I'm in the office. Tell me."

"They want to do a biopsy, like, now. "

"So what, we go back? That's fine, we can get a car and just backtrack."

"I don't want to do it there. I called my doctor to see what he thought and he said it should be done now and he wants to see me and get me set up with an oncologist there. I haven't even told my OB/GYN that I'm pregnant so he wants to get everyone on the same page. "

"So we're going to Boston, when is the appointment with your doctor?"

"He's going to try to set up my oncology and ob/gyn on the same day and then he'll make time to see me after I see both of them. He'd like to do it tomorrow or Monday."

"Wow, he's moving fast. That's not really good news is it?"

"No. I wish you'd stayed on our bus." It wasn't an accusation, just a pout.

"Me too. Where are you?"

"In bed."

"In our bed?"

"Duh. Of course in our bed. "

"How did Darren take the news?"

"About the baby? He's still kind of in shock. He was sweet about it but I don't think he's had the time to really freak out yet."

"And about the rest?"

"I didn't really tell him. We were together when the doc called so I told him they want to do some more routine testing and then told him I was coming up here to call you."

"Oh, he wasn't upstairs with you?"

"Chris."

"Just asking. Where is he now, did you just leave him down there?"

"He's screwing around in the studio. Honey, enough about Darren, I'm actually a little scared here."

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to have them find somewhere we can pull the buses over so I can get on our bus?"

"No, I'm not that dramatic. I just want you to tell me this is going to be okay."

"It will be. We'll do what we need to do. Let me know when he calls you back so we can start booking tickets to Boston."

"If he wants to see me Monday we can do that. If he wants to see me tomorrow there's no way you guys can come. You have two shows Saturday. I might be able to convince Ryan to let me go, if I tell him everything, but there's no way he's letting you and Darren disappear for two shows. "

"Me AND Darren?"

"Honey, until we know who this baby's father is he has to be involved."

"But isn't this about you, about the breast ca…lump?"

"Mostly, but there's the OB/GYN appointment and whatever we decide about the lump, we really need something to call it because I hate how we trip over the words every time, it makes it ominous, but anyway, whatever we decide about that will affect the Sea Monkey too. "

"The bubble."

"What?"

"It looks like a fat bubble, the lump I mean. Lump sounds dark, bubble is hopeful."

"Bubble it is then. So yes, Darren should be there if you are. He's already kinda sad that we saw the Monkey and he didn't."

"It's only fair I guess."

"I also told him he could tell his brother. He needs someone to talk to about this. We have each other."

"I hope his brother knows how to keep his mouth shut."

"I'm sure he does if Darren trusts him."

Her phone beeped and she checked it. "It's the doctor, I'll call you right back."

"Conference me in."

"K, hang on."

A few clicks and she had them all together. Not all. Not Darren.

The doctor made the appointments for Monday, a day there was no show. Chris asked the doctor if the father needed to be there for the appointments and was told that while it wasn't mandatory it would certainly be appropriate if he planned on being involved. It wasn't what he was hoping to hear. He clearly wanted to make this trip just he and Issey.

When the doctor disconnected Issey was still on the phone with Chris who had gone quiet.

"Love? I'm sorry Darren has to be a part of this. I know it upsets you."

"What? Oh, no. That's, it just is."

"You went really silent toward the end there."

"Once we found out about the Sea Monkey I just believed the rest would resolve itself. Everything I read online said it was really common to find lumps and they were nothing."

"That could still be true."

"He doesn't sound like he thinks it's true. He sounds like he's worried."

"Doctors have to cover all their bases so they don't get sued. Don't let it spook you."

"If Ryan wants you to work after the show tonight I'm telling him no. You are I are going to our bus and we're going alone."

"Yes please."


	10. Chapter 10

Downstairs Darren had locked himself in the studio knowing it was soundproof. He called Chuck who didn't answer so he texted him telling him to answer his phone. Two minutes later Chuck called him back.

"Little Bro, what's up?"

"Since when don't you pick up when I call you?"

"Since I was writing man, what's got you so riled?"

Darren's eyes found the photo on the wall, Issey's secret piece of them. "I need to talk. Can you give me a few minutes? I 'm sorry to interrupt your writing."

"Let me guess, Issey again." Chuck sounded unimpressed.

"Can we park the disapproval for a minute? I get it, you don't like her." He twisted the beaded bracelet on his wrist. Darren had always been able to talk to Chuck about whatever was going on in his life but his brother had taken a very dim view of Isabelle.

"I've told you, it's not that I dislike her, I haven't even met her. I've just never seen you like this over anyone. Not this fast anyway. She picked another guy Dude, you gotta move on. I think you should call Mia, talk things out with her."

"Chuck, can you just listen? I'm going to tell you something and I need you to promise you won't tell anyone, not ANYONE."

"Aw kid, you know you can trust me."

"Issey is pregnant."

It was quiet on the other end of the phone. Anyone else might have thought the connection had dropped but Darren knew his brother. He could picture Chuck, sitting on the floor like he always did when he wrote, and thunking his head against a wall. Sitting in a bus in the middle of nowhere he could read his brother's mind as easily if he were sitting beside him. Chuck was fighting to be supportive without choking Darren.

"Dude. I'm sorry, but she picked him. The two of you weren't together long. I know it hurts Bro but I'm gonna just say it, better Chris than you. I don't trust her."

"Wish you hadn't just said that."

"Oh, Fuck, Darren. No."

"We don't know. It could be either of us."

Chuck sounded defeated, "You're hoping it's you. What the hell has this chick done to you?"

"That's not all of it."

"Don't tell me there's another guy?"

"Suck me. She found a lump in her breast. She talked to the doctor about it just now and disappeared upstairs to call Chris right away. She said they wanted to do routine tests but her face didn't say routine, her face said she was scared."

"I'm sorry."

"Chuck I wish you'd come out and meet her. I know you're worried that she just likes keeping us all on a string or something but that's really not her."

"You are hoping it's you aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Darren, this is a lifelong commitment to someone you barely know, and I hate to keep saying this man but she picked someone else. Even if the baby is yours, she belongs to someone else."

"If I had been honest with her from the beginning she wouldn't be with him now."

"She tell you that?"

"She didn't have to, that's when we fell apart."

"And how long after was she with him?"

"That night."

"Yeah. See man, I don't understand how you don't get that she was already with him. You found them in bed together way back when and then she blamed you."

"You don't know her. Look, please come out here for a night. Meet her."

"You'll be in New York in less than two weeks. I'll meet her then. In the meantime how long do you have to wait to find out who the father is?"

"She said three weeks. Promise you'll be nice to her."

His brother was silent.

"Seriously. She's special. Promise me."

"I'm dying to meet this woman."

"Fuck Bro, what if I'm the dad?"

"There were go, now we're thinking."

"Stop it. I'm actually kind of losing it here. Christ Chuck I'm still waiting to find out if I'm going to be invited back to Glee next season or if I'm going to be back singing in restaurants when this tour is over. I need to be in Chicago to work on StarKid stuff. I'm an idiot. I can't be someone's father; I don't even know what I'm doing with my own life. Fuck. FUCK! Mom and Dad will shit bricks."

"Mom will be fine; she'll say "Oh Darren" and that will be the end of it until she has a baby in her arms. Dad will buy you a scotch and tell you he hopes the kid is just like you. Anyway I thought you didn't sleep with her, I can't believe you lied."

"I didn't. I wasn't with her until after we broke up."

"After she was with Chris?"

"Yeah."

"And just that once?"

"Yeah."

"The odds are in your favor man. I wouldn't panic just yet."

"Chuck there's no win here. If it isn't mine then I've really lost her forever to Chris. It's going to bring them so much closer together."

"They're already together. Has she given you any indication that she's thinking of you still?"

"I know she is. " He brightened a little, "Plus she said Chris has been pulling away from her." He heard the gloat in his voice and hated himself for it. He didn't' want to be that guy.

Darren went quiet for a while so finally Chuck spoke up. "Tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"About her. Tell me, I won't judge, I won't say a word. You need to talk about this."

"I don't know how to explain it. I guess it starts with the music, she feels it the way we do. When we first started working together she did this stuff, this, sensory input stuff, it was incredible. We'd be working for hours out in the Vegas heat and she'd have me there, playing the piano and singing, just baking in the sun and she'd be fixing all this technical stuff then she'd switch it up and tell me to close my eyes, to smell the air, to feel the notes. Like, I'd be there, hunched over the piano, just trying to remember all the things she'd told me and the next thing I'd know she's dripping ice cold water down the back of my neck, telling me to keep singing through it. It's stinging it's so cold and it's this huge shock and yet, I completely get what she's trying to do and I connect to the sound on an entirely new level."

"Wow."

"That's not even the tip of the iceberg. She has me touch fabric and tells me to make my voice sound like this fabric feels, and fuck me if I don't do it. The craziest thing though is that's how she gets to me, because she just read it in me I guess, that this is what I relate to, but then she sits down with Lea and none of that comes into play. It's like the two of them get together and start talking another language that only they understand. She's so intuitive."

Darren allowed himself a moment to remember those first nights in Las Vegas, before anyone was there. He had her to himself and it was perfect. He wished he could go back there and tell himself right then to do whatever he had to do to not screw this up, to not let the crack happen that had allowed Chris to get between them.

"Stay with me, what else?"

"When she's working she's this powerhouse. I've seen her do 4 straight days without sleep. She doesn't back down from anyone and she knows exactly what she wants. I've never seen anyone so dedicated, so focused to someone else's success. I don't know how she does it, how she stays motivated. Naya said once that you can feel the energy in the room change when she walks in, and it's true. She just brings this complete control with her. Everyone just sort of goes, okay, now we're going to get somewhere, every pays attention. You know you're safe with her. She has making you look your best as her only point of business. She doesn't play favorites; everyone is going to work their asses off. "

"I'm hearing a lot of work stuff."

"It's knowing the work stuff that makes the personal stuff so special. When you work with her you trust her with anything, you start to believe there's nothing she can't handle. She's superwoman, she speaks in fucking tongues and is hard as a rock if you try to push back, but from the very first night she was different with me. She let me in, showed me where the cracks are. There's so much softness there, she's so desperate to be loved it makes me sad. I don't think she's felt safe with another person, I don't know, maybe ever. I ended up looking her up online shortly after we met, looking to see her reputation. She seemed too good to be true. You should do it. It might change your mind about her to read what other people who've toured with her have said."

"Like?"

"Like that she's like a Mother and a Slave Driver wrapped up in a vocal genius. That everyone hates her until they adore her but she's impossible to get close to. She really seems to keep everyone at arm's length but that very first night with me, maybe she was just over tired, maybe it was the wine, but she has to have been drunk and tired on other tours. We sat out on this balcony, all of Las Vegas stretched out in front of us, blinking below in the distance and she just told me about her life. It doesn't sound like much I guess but it was one of those nights where you feel your life change forever."

"Okay, so far this is all good, but then you guys got closer and you also started talking about how she was really close to Chris, so maybe the whole letting you in thing was a way of getting a great performance out of you? You said she uses different techniques with everyone."

"I don't know how get you to understand. She told me she couldn't be with me because it scared her how much she wanted me."

"That's just weird man."

"She's weird. I'm not denying that, it's part of what makes the personal stuff so personal because she's so in control when she's working but then when she's not it's like…I'll tell you what it's like, it's like she's in junior high and is just figuring out relationships."

"So she's working it out with her gay best friend because she's scared to work it out with a real boy?"

"Maybe. I never thought of it that way, the problem is her gay best friend seems decidedly less gay than previously believed. What the hell do I do man?"

"Right now, given all that's going on I say you just be her friend. Be there for her, she told you about the baby so she's obviously okay with you being a part of the process right?"

"I think so, she said I'd be welcome at the next doctor visit and all."

"So go, and be supportive and wait it out. You know I'll be here for you no matter what happens. If you're the dad I'll buy the cigars, if you aren't the dad I'll buy the beer for you to cry in. Either way it isn't the end of the world. If Chris is the dad it doesn't mean she's going to ride off into the sunset with him, babies don't fix problems in relationships. If they're going to stay together then they are, if they're going to break up they are. A baby might make their relationship last a little longer than it might have otherwise but it's not magic. If anything it can put more strain on people."

"And you'll be nice to her."

"And I'll be nice to her. "

"You're a good brother Chuck."

"You're a pain in the ass Darren."

"Love you."

"You too."

The disconnected and Darren clicked on the computer in the studio, the one that Issey used to store all the vocal work they did. He pushed the button to play the most recent recording, just to see what she'd been working on and the room flooded with her voice.

"Though I've tried, I've fallen, I have sunk so low…"

He switched the board to headset, blasted her into himself and cried.


	11. Chapter 11

Issey flipped on the light and dumped her suitcase by the door. "C'mon in guys."

Chris and Darren filed into her apartment behind her. She rolled her neck and sighed. "I slept awkward on the plane. Jim said he was sending someone over to put some food and stuff in kitchen. Anyone hungry or anything?"

"You should have some milk, where's the kitchen?" Chris looked around. It felt strange to only now be seeing the apartment of the woman he was so intimately involved with. He felt like he knew her so well but here he felt like a stranger. She'd come into his house and fit as if she had always been there, but here he didn't know where to stand or what to do. It didn't help that he was sharing the experience of seeing her home for the first time with Darren.

They'd taken a late flight to Boston after the Sunday night show. It was only a 2 hour flight but now it was 3:30 AM and everyone was more ready for sleep than anything else. They had to be at the first doctor appointment by 8:30 am. Is didn't even know if there was gas in her car, she couldn't remember the last time she'd driven it. She refused the milk and no one else wanted anything so she showed Darren to the guest room. "If you need anything feel free to poke around until you find it."

He hugged her lightly, Chris's eyes on them. "Get some sleep, don't worry about me."

Darren shut his door and Issey went to her room, "We're in here. "

Chris stifled a yawn, "You want me to get your bag?"

"Nah, I'm too tired to deal with it tonight. I just want to collapse." She pulled off her clothes and climbed into her bed. Chris did the same, sliding in next to her.

He lay on his back in the dark, sticking to his own side of the bed. "This isn't really how I imagined seeing your place for the first time."

"Not my ideal either but I'm glad you're here. I would have told you I was fine to come do this alone if I had to but I'd have been lying."

He reached out and found her hand. "I hate when you do that.

"It's habit, I can't help it. I'm used to being on my own."

He stroked his thumb over her hand, "You aren't anymore."

She curled around him and kissed his shoulder, "I know, thank you."

"It's going to be okay tomorrow."

"Today."

"God."

They were quiet long enough to have fallen asleep when Chris whispered, "I love you."

She didn't answer but lifted her head to kiss his lips and let herself drift off.

Darren didn't sleep. He stood at the window trying to make out the shadows of the buildings and cars in the back of her apartment house. He wanted to memorize the trees, the rooftops, the way the moonlight fell on the fence behind the trash bin. Pulling out his iPad he began to write, it was simply a stream of consciousness.

"The shadows move in patterns of moonlight through a gigantic elm that has no doubt lived here longer than anyone else. I wish I could ask it if she ever comes and sits beneath it on warm summer days, her laughter carrying on a breeze. I wish I could be that tree standing guard over her home, over her heart, keeping her sheltered and safe.

I want to know what her life looks like without us in it. I want to see the sun rise as she would, were she here all alone, without the burden of him, and me, and the little one. Not that the little one is really a burden but…fuck it, yes, for her it is, for all of us it is. It's impossible because as much as we want it we're three adults terrified of this teeny speck of a human.

It's near impossible to sit here and not wander her apartment. I can't stop thinking about how things could have been different. I'd have talked her into showing me her entire collection of music, into telling me the story of her favorite albums, tapes and cd's. I want to go and search for the gamelan cd's and see if she remembers our conversation. Bad idea. That was the first time we talked about her coming to my apartment, the beginning of the end.

If I hadn't had her there, if I had been honest from the beginning, if I hadn't felt so torn between her and Mia she wouldn't be in there right now, lying next to him. He can pretend all he wants but I see how he gravitates toward Adam. I see the way he looks at him when he thinks no one notices. I won't tell her, I can't tell if it's right or wrong to keep it to myself but she won't believe me. And what if I'm wrong, what if I only want to see his gaze lingering on another guy, just to prove to myself that he's the villain, that he's going to hurt her and allow me to put her back together.

She wouldn't though. Not even if Chris did that, she wouldn't let me back in. She'd hide herself from all of us. I know she would. This is hopeless. I hate him for touching her, for the way she looks at him, for the way she leans on him. I want to punch him in his pretty little face but I can't. Getting on that stage every night and pretending to be in love with him while he preens and poses makes me want to kick his teeth down his golden throat. Fuck him. He sat and waited and bided his time just waiting to sneak her away from me.

No, too easy, he was there for her when I fucked everything up with my lies. Poor Mia, caught in all of this, she deserves so much better, they both do. Maybe I should be happy Issey ended up with Chris, I'm not good enough.

Shit. It's late. I hate being this maudlin, I hate being jealous, I hate this feeling in my muscles that won't relax because they need to lash out, to punish this thing that's making me so miserable.

You can't punch cancer. You can't kick fear in the teeth. She has to be okay. These doctors have to tell us that she's going to be fine, that the little one is going to be fine. I'll take all the agony of watching her fall deeper in love with him as long as she and the baby are healthy.

I'll be sick. Let me be sick. I'll make myself sick, just please leave her alone. I was the one who was cheating. I was the one who didn't tell the truth, how can she be punished for it?

Just let it be me instead."

Closing the laptop with shaking hands Darren jumped a little when he heard a noise in the kitchen. Hoping to get a chance to be alone with her for even just a few minutes he leapt to his feet and quietly padded through the darkness.

"She has no alcohol, juice, milk, coffee or tea?" Chris didn't even turn from the fridge to see who it was, he knew.

Darren wasn't as disappointed as one might expect. Chris was looking beat. There were bags under his eyes, his hair was wrecked and his voice hoarse. "What are you having?"

"Diet coke, but if you want something hot I'll make it."

"Milk, thanks." Darren didn't need to watch Chris make himself at home in Issey's kitchen. "She asleep?"

Chris nodded as he set the milk in front of Darren. "She's out. I don't know how she can be. She's scared but almost as soon as we got into bed she was snoring. What about you? Can't sleep?"

He shook his head and sat at the table. "I know the odds are she's fine but I can't help worrying."

Chris popped the top on his can and sat across from him. "I was sure it was nothing until they wanted to see her so soon. It couldn't even wait two weeks?" He took a long pull from the can and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "I don't like how they rushed this. I've tried to come up with excuses why they might want to see her sooner partially to keep her calm but for me too. I'm losing my mind with this."

"Powerless. I hate how powerless I feel."

"Yes! Exactly! I want something I can reason with, something I talk our way out of."

"I want to hit something."

"Me probably."

"Sometimes." Darren smiled in his direction to show he wasn't trying to be a jerk.

"Right back at you. Wouldn't help though. You aren't the enemy and neither am I."

"Should you get back to her? Will she wake up if you aren't there?" Darren looked back toward the bedroom.

"She's used to me sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night."

"Geez I'd get up to take whiz and she'd wake right up."

"Not a conversation I'm having with you Darren." Chris chugged his soda and stood. I'm going to try to get a few hours' sleep. You should too."

When he crawled back into bed he thought she was sleeping with her back to him but then she spoke. "Chris?"

"Mmm." Her bed was comfortable and he was happy to settle into it.

"Can we talk about something?"

He felt his stomach tighten. No conversation that starts this way is ever what you want to hear. "Sure honey, what is it?"

"In the shower the other day."

"I'm so sorry about that."

"I know, but I want to know, what was it that stopped you? I mean, was it the thought of the baby, that it might be Darren's? Was it that you're upset with me because of that or disgusted because of what that means…"

Chris put his hand on her stomach, spooning himself against her. "Of course not, it's none of that, I can't believe that's what you thought."

"Then what?"

"It was the bubble. I went for your breast and it felt like I shouldn't, like it should be off limits until we know what's wrong. I don't want to make anything worse, and as soon as you saw me back off you got so mad, everything crashed after that."

"So it wasn't that you don't find me attractive anymore."

He breathed warm air across her neck as he answered, "I will always, always find you sexy."

"I don't want to sleep."

"No?"

"No."

"You want to go for a walk?" he asked as he slid his hand down to her hip.

"No." she reached back and ran her fingers through his hair.

He traced the back of her ear with the tip of his tongue, "For a drive?"

She rolled to her back, "uh-uh"

"Watch a movie?" he asked as he mouthed at her jawline.

She giggled, "Stop, hey, do something for me?" she ran her fingers across his face.

"Anything."

"Don't shave tomorrow?"

"It won't make much difference."

"You say that but I can feel the stubble, just one day. Please?"

"Will it make you happy?" he punctuated each word with a kiss along her collarbone.

"It will."

"Then fine, but don't be disappointed when I'm not exactly a beatnik like Darren in the morning."

"He's more Bohemian than beatnik but I don't want you to be anything like him, I just like it when you're a little messy."

"You're crazy, but you're cute. We doing this?"

"You want to?"

His answer was to grind slowly into her side, his interest in 'doing this' plenty evident.

They moved together, starting a rhythm but Chris seemed to be holding back. She bit his lip hard, "Stop treating me like I'm broken. I miss how it was. Make me scream until we wake up the neighbors."


	12. Chapter 12

"I won." Issey kissed Chris to wake him then repeated, "I won."

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes he smiled at her, "Yes, you did, but I let you."

"Bullshit, you pulled out some of your best stuff." She poked him in the belly as he stretched.

"Well I'm glad you think so but I present as evidence your completely unmarked skin."

She sat up and pouted. "I still won."

Chris tackled her around the middle and kissed her belly, "Yes my love, you won. It may have gone my way if I hadn't had to behave enough to not have the doctors calling the police when they found you covered in my teeth marks."

"Still I didn't scream and you know what that means."

He rolled his eyes and answered, "Yes Mum, cheerio, I'm off to the loo now."

"Don't forget not to shave."

"How do you forget NOT to do something?"

It was a game they'd begun when they first started sleeping together. If he could make her scream loud enough that one of their friends in an adjoining room brought it up the next day she would have to wiggle her backside whenever he cleared his throat. No matter what she was doing or who she was talking to. If she won and could control her screams he would have to speak his next sentence in a British accent when she cleared her throat. Neither was allowed to explain their behavior.

Shockingly her car started without incident. Chris offered to drive but she needed something to occupy her mind and it was nice to be moving around in her home town again. She reached up without looking and pulled a cd from the visor.

"What the hell is this?" Chris reached to turn it down but she slapped his hand away.

"It's gamelan." Darren offered from the back seat. "I can't believe you weren't lying."

"Who would lie about this?" she laughed, and then reached for Chris's hand, he was obviously not happy about being out of the conversational loop. "Darren and I were talking about classic musical instruments ages ago and I told him I have a number of gamelan cd's. He thought I was lying."

"Great. Do we need to listen to it?"

"You don't find it relaxing? Okay, no, take it out."

First stop was the ob/gyn. She did a pelvic exam with the boys out of the room then allowed them back in for the ultrasound. Darren was doing his best to stay respectfully out of the way but when the doctor pointed out the small shape on the screen he stepped closer and closed his hand around Issey's. "Is that a heartbeat?"

Issey felt Chris bristle. He had no choice but to allow Darren into the experience but the increased measure of intimacy was not part of the deal. Issey patted Darren's hand then cleared her throat.

Chris spoke, with his best British accent, "Looks less like a Sea Monkey now, that was fast."

Darren had grown used to him sliding in and out of the accent, he thought it was just a weird quirk but the doctor seemed confused. Still she pressed on, "Change is fast at this stage, you probably won't see the same thing from appointment to appointment for a while. The good news is the heartbeat is strong."

"Is there bad news?" Darren wanted to know.

"There are always concerns but no there is no specific bad news. I understand you have an appointment with an oncologist this afternoon for a biopsy?"

"I have an appointment with the oncologist today; I don't think they're going to do the biopsy right then."

"I believe they are, was that not made clear to you?

"To be honest I don't remember. I'm forgetting things lately, or blocking them, I don't know."

"It shouldn't be very painful and it's the best way to find out whether that lump is anything serious. That situation aside I'd say you're in good health, a little run down, a little dehydrated but still you and your little one appear to be doing great. Do you want to schedule a paternity testing while you're here?"

"That obvious huh?"

"No, not at all. The oncologist in Ohio let me know. I can grab dna from the fathers today if you like then we'll just need a blood draw from you in a few weeks."

Rather than increase the lab work for no reason they decided to only take an oral swab from Chris. If it wasn't his it was understood that it was Darren's.

She let Chris drive to the next appointment. The concept of the biopsy being today unnerved her some. The boys did their best to keep a running conversation to occupy her mind but it was strained at best.

At the oncologists they had the imaging from the previous appointment but wanted to have their own look. A nurse sent the boys out while she did a brief exam and got Issey into a gown. "We're going to do another ultrasound. I don't think a mammogram will be helpful now. Once we get that done the doctor and radiologist will decide whether you need a biopsy today. Do you want the gentlemen who came with you in the room for the ultrasound?"

"The lighter haired, Chris, can you send him in?"

"Of course."

Chris came in alone. He took her hand and smiled but it didn't reach his eyes.

"You're scared."

"Of course I'm scared. I hate seeing you like this. I'm glad I'm not Darren though, its way worse out there."

"Now I feel bad. Should we just have him come in?"

"Up to you."

"Chris I need two things from you right now. One I need you to be honest, if something is going to bother you I need to you to be up front about it but two, I need you to try not to be threatened by him. If you and I get married and grow old together and have a million kids I'm still going to want him to be my friend. It doesn't change how I feel about you."

"You want me to be honest I will. I know he doesn't look at you like a friend, he's in love with you, he doesn't try to hide that from me and I guess its best that he doesn't. You have feelings for him and it isn't just friendship. There's more there and it would probably help if you were honest with me about that. I believe it has nothing to do with the way you feel about me though. If you want him in here I'm okay with that, but you need to have a conversation with him about how he talks to you, and the way he paws at you."

"Paws at me? He held my hand when he saw a baby that might potentially be ours. Mine and his. I know you don't want to think about that but I think you'd better start because it's a possibility. You need to think about what that will mean to you, for us."

There was a knock at the door. "Okay, we're ready for you, I'm going to have you just follow me into the other room where we'll do your ultrasound."

"Thank you, I'm sorry to be a pain but can you possibly get the other gentleman I came with and ask him to come in as well? I know this is probably fairly strange but, "

"No need to explain. We see all types of families in here. The only time I feel bad is when I see a woman here alone. I think it's important to surround yourself with people who care about you, whatever that looks like."

"Thank you."

She brought them to the ultrasound room which was darker and colder than the exam room. She reached for Chris's hand again, "We always seem to fight when we're heading into these things. Stress probably."

"It doesn't feel like fighting, it feels like saying what we need to say, don't know why it takes these situations to get us to do it, but understand this before they come in, I love you. If this baby is his I love you, it may change how involved he is in our day to day lives but it doesn't change you and me. I have news for you though; it isn't his, its mine. I know. I feel it."

Darren came in, looking sheepish and unsure before Issey could respond. "The nurse said you wanted me?"

"Yes. I do. We're sort of in this whole thing together right now, I'd like you both here for all of it. Is that okay with you?"

He nodded. It was strange for Issey and Chris to see Darren look so uncomfortable. He always seemed to know where he belonged, to be the most comfortable person in every room, the one who knew what to say and do to make everyone at ease but now he was like a child at the adult table at dinner, unsure, tentative and a little afraid.

The radiologist introduced himself, a middle aged man with a large bald spot and a jovial sense of humor. He did his best to keep her covered while doing his job, making small talk and cutting through the tension in the room with the practiced grace of someone who was used to seeing people at their most vulnerable.

He took a few captures, marked the images and excused himself to retrieve the oncologist.

"Does it hurt? When he pushes on it like that?" Darren looked worried, the lines around his eyes pronounced more than usual.

"No. Sometimes he digs in, it's sort of like being pinched, but the lump doesn't hurt, it's just" she shrugged, "lumpy."

"Let him feel it." Chris offered quietly. "I mean, if you're okay with it. It sort of helped me to get it when you made me feel it."

"Oh, I don't know, that seems…I mean unless you really don't mind. I am pretty curious."

"It's just skin and fatty tissue, if it was on my leg or something you'd have felt it by now, let's just take the sexual aspect out of this because I can think of very few scenarios less sexy than this. Give me your hand."

It was much easier to find now, she told herself it was because her fingers were used to searching for it, but the back of her mind told her it was because it was bigger, more pronounced. She guided Darren's hand while he looked anywhere but at her. Chris could tell the second he felt it just by the change in his face.

Darren blew out the breath he'd been holding. "Whoa. It's harder than I expected. And it doesn't hurt, like, at all?"

"No. I mean, I'm tender because of the pregnancy, but the, we call it the bubble, the bubble isn't any more painful than the rest. "

Darren looked at Chris, "Thanks man, I know that was probably not fun for you, but it really did help."

Chris shrugged it off, "Like she said, we're in this together. If it helps her to have you be a part of things then that's what we'll do."

Issey reached for Chris's arm and pulled him down to her, pressing her lips to his softly. "I love you."

He kissed her forehead and smoothed her hair away from her face before straightening.

"Chris?"

"Mm."

"Be honest, did it look bigger this time?"

"Maybe it was the way they took the picture?"

"It was though, right?"

He dipped his chin in acknowledgement, not wanting to say it out loud.

"It feels bigger."

"It could still just be fluid, a blocked duct. Just because it's getting bigger doesn't mean it's something awful. I read that it's something like 98 percent of these things that aren't cancerous."

"I read that too." Darren chimed in.

"You've been researching this?" the answer was tossed up for both men.

"When you feel this powerless you do the only things you can do. You learn what you're up against." Darren finally started to seem more like himself.

The doctor entered the room with a brief knock to announce himself. He took little time with pleasantries and got directly to the issue. "I'd like to do a biopsy today. I'm assuming one of these young men will be driving you home?"

"Sure, yeah." Issey was thrown by his abrupt behavior after the super pleasant personality of the radiologist.

"I have a few questions." Darren popped up.

The doctor sighed, "Go ahead."

"What type of biopsy are you thinking of?"

"Non –surgical, the radiologist will do it right here."

"Obviously non-surgical, but core-needle, because I've read that that is the most likely to pick up cancerous cells vs the smaller needle. Plus there are fewer side effects."

Issey and Chris just looked at him. "What? I googled one the way over."

They had to laugh.

"Yes, core-needle is my recommendation." He turned to Issey, you'll have minimal bruising and pain but it will give us an idea of whether the cyst is benign, as most are, or cancerous. I've been told you're pregnant. How far along are you?"

"Seven weeks."

The doctor made a note in his laptop and left the room when the kind radiologist returned.

"If needles make you squeamish you may want to step out." He warned the boys but both remained at her side. He brought the lights up in the room, Chris stayed by her head, Darren placed a hand on her calf, just enough to let her know he was there.

The needles didn't hurt as much as she'd anticipated and the radiologist found insertion spots without having to wiggle them under the skin much. That was always the worst part of getting blood drawn for her, when they put the needle in and then wiggle it to find a vein. No thank you.

She looked up at Chris, even paler than normal, "It's really not so bad. I promise."

Darren watched as the radiologist pulled the sample up in the needle and pushed it into the cuvette. His eyes, had anyone bothered to check them, registered a deep sadness.


	13. Chapter 13

Issey rubbed her hands together eagerly, "I can't believe how long it's been since I've had clam chowder."

"You are aware chowder is available pretty much everywhere in this country right? Also? You know we're sitting at a picnic table that is…" he lifted his arm slowly to emphasize his point, "sticky with God knows what."

She grinned at him, "You, my sweet love, are moments away from tasting some of the greatest fried lobster and fresh steamers you will ever have. Soon you will have no time to be spouting off about things you know not of, you will be straight up swooning with the joy of sated tasted buds. I just wish I could have a nice Sam's Summer Ale with the steamers."

Chris raised his brows "Sticky tables."

"Sticky with years of delicious. I'm going to the ladies room. If they call our number grab our clams." She handed him a wooden lobster with the number 14 on it.

When she disappeared behind a door cleverly marked "Gulls" Chris turned to Darren. "What is your problem?"

It took a minute for Darren to realize Chris was talking to him, "Sorry, what?"

"It's been like having the grim reaper walking behind us since the Oncologists. Did feeling the lump really freak you out that much?"

"Oh. No. Did you look this stuff up at all?"

"Of course I did, why?"

Darren cast a glance toward the door to make sure Issey wasn't on her way, "I was looking at the core biopsy stuff and they said that if it was mostly liquid or whatever that came out and that made the lump smaller it was probably not cancer but if it was tissue that came out that was probably not such good news."

"Okay, but you couldn't really tell what came out, it's not like it was obvious."

"I just know I saw tissue, it wasn't all fluid. I kept staring and praying for no solids."

Number 14 was called and Chris unfolded his long legs from under the table. "We'll ask her primary care doc when we get there later but honestly, if you could tell just by looking it wouldn't take a week to get answers. Try to just relax right now and let her enjoy this. I haven't seen her excited about food, or much of anything else lately."

Chris was coming back with a huge orange cafeteria style tray covered in seafood when Issey stepped out of the 'Gulls' room. It made her laugh to see him here. Markey's was a favorite beach stop for her and became THE place to pregame before concerts at the nearby concert hall. They didn't serve alcohol but you could bring in your own. In the middle of the day on a Monday it was fairly quiet but later in the day or on a weekend you'd wait nearly an hour for some fried clams. She'd seen people here that looked like they didn't have homes to go to at night sitting right next to state senators opening a hundred dollar bottle of wine to drink with their lobster rolls. Seeing her two boys in a place that felt so much like home to her was even stranger than in her own apartment.

Much to everyone's surprise she made it almost completely through the food without feeling sick and when she did finally sit back with her hand on her stomach Issey claimed it was due to over eating and not pregnancy.

They were walking to her car when a scream pierced the air followed quickly by "I TOLD you it was him, OHMYGODDARREN!" Three girls (one Issey was certain had been behind the counter when they'd ordered) practically fell out of a car and came charging in their direction. Chris's arm shot around Issey's waist, quickly steering her to her car and away from the girls. Darren went straight to them, essentially pulling them in the opposite direction of Chris and Issey.

"Geez, you guys are like the Secret Service." She said as she dropped into the passenger seat of her own car.

"He's good at this, let him deal with them. You don't need the fan thing today."

"The fan thing?" She'd never been bothered by the fans, they never even noticed her. Why were the boys so quick to move her away from them today?

"Y'know, the whole, what are you guys doing in Boston, aren't you guys supposed to be somewhere else and all of that. They don't need to know. Darren will charm them, do the whole picture and autograph thing and we'll be on our way."

"It would probably have been faster to let me do it. They'll want

more from him than they would from me, they don't even know me."

"Still, better to let him do it. You're off duty today."

She glanced at him with suspicion, "Okay, what's going on?"

"What are you talking about? Look, he's coming, he's done." His tone

was even but she didn't miss the lightening quick trepidation in his

eyes.

Darren retreated to the car and shut the door, addressing Chris in the

drivers seat as he did, "We're good to go."

Chris backed out of the space, Darren waving to the girls out the back window.

Issey took out her phone and started hitting buttons.

Issey: wtf is up?

Darren: ?

Issey: Chris is weird.

Darren: !

Issey: stop it

Darren: I don't know what we're talking about

Issey: Why did you both stop me from talking to those girls?

Darren: again….?

Issey: forget it.

He could act like nothing was going on but she knew better. Even something as simple as the way he'd gotten into the car after talking to the girls felt off. He didn't talk about them, who they were, how they knew they were there, if they were planning on coming to the show in a few weeks, all things Darren would normally find out then share emphatically.

"Is it on the left or the right?" Chris pulled down a driveway with medical buildings on either side.

"Doesn't matter."

"Well, one side we actually see your doctor, other side we wander around a building like creepy strangers so yeah, it matters a little."

"I'm not going in."

Chris pulled into a space and took her hand, "Today is a lot Love, I know, I'm sorry but this is the last one and then we get to hang out in your city tonight and whatever you want to do we'll do."

Darren shook his head, "She's not upset about that, she's being a brat." Chris shot Darren a look but he pressed on, "She wants to know why we didn't let her go talk to those girls."

"What?"

"So tell me or I'm not going in."

Chris turned to Darren, "Can you take a quick walk up to that building and see if it's the right one?"

Darren figured it was his way of getting Issey alone for a minute so he went ahead.

When they were alone Chris, still holding Issey's hand smiled at her. "Honey I love you, but this isn't going to work. We both know that it will take about two minutes to find out where the office is and then going in so let's stop this."

"Tell me what's going on."

"What's going on is my perfectly mature and beautiful girlfriend is acting like a child because she's had a hard day. You're going in, I'll carry you if I have to."

"What is so horrible that you won't just tell me."

"Nothing. You're making stuff up in your head so you don't have to do this."

They watched as Darren came out of the building and nodded to Chris, jerking his thumb in the direction of the building he'd just exited.

"That's the one. Okay, you walking or am I taking you in over my shoulder?"

Her phone buzzed but Chris kept her hand in his, "Ignore it. This is more important. Let's go."

"Yeah, okay, I'm coming. I still think you guys are up to something though."

He handed her the keys to throw in her purse and started out of the car. She slammed her door, locked all of the doors and pulled out her phone.

She had missed a call from her sister and another from her mother; she hadn't even heard it ring. She also had a text from her sister.

Sophia: I can't believe I'm learning my sister is pregnant from the internet. Call me! Do NOT call Mom.

Chris was banging on the window of the car trying to get her to come out, to be an adult, that they were going to be late but she didn't hear anything. Every sound, every sensory input stopped. Thoughts toppled like dominoes in her mind, this was bad, very, very bad.

Her sister, also known as Supermom didn't read the fan stuff on the internet. She paid less than no attention to Issey's career. She didn't even consider it a career. If anyone were to ask Sohpia what her sister did for a living she'd say "Professional groupie or something." And then talk about how it really was too bad because she was such a bright girl and could settle down with a nice guy and have a normal life.

If this reached Sophia it was widespread. THAT was why the boys didn't want her to talk to fans, the vocal coach for the Glee tour being pregnant wasn't news. One of the Glee cast being a daddy to be was news.

Unlocking the door she spoke to Chris, "Why didn't you say something? When did you know?"

"I found it this morning while we were waiting for you to have your internal exam. It's pretty much everywhere. I'm sorry."

"My family knows. Wait, how much is online? Do they think the baby is your or do they think I'm still with Darren?"

Chris moved her out of the car and leaned in to grab her purse while Darren kept her moving toward the building. "We'll talk about it later okay? Let's just go to the office right now." He hooked his arm around her to keep her from back tracking.

Chris caught up and looped his arm around her from the other side. She stopped walking. "They know all of it don't they?"

"No, not really. They've got some creepily close guesses but nothing has come up about the oncologist, but the fact that you've been involved with both of us is out there." Chris pulled her against him, removing her from Darren's grasp, "It doesn't matter okay? A week ago I would have said this being in the press was a nightmare but now I know what's really important. You being healthy, and," he reached for Darren and pulled him closer to them, holding onto his wrist while keeping one arm around Issey, "our baby. This little circle right here is important okay? I don't care what anyone else thinks or says, Darren doesn't care and I don't want you worrying about it either. Okay?"

Her heart swelled. It was so hard for him, she knew, including Darren in their little circle, but he had. He knew they were all four equal in this now and if someone else had something to say they needed to close ranks and protect each other no matter how they felt about each other at the moment.

"After this appointment I have to sit online and do some damage assessment. I don't know why we haven't heard from Ryan." Now she walked on her own toward the office, again sliding into work mode to put all of this in a frame of reference she knew how to handle.

"We called Ryan, we told him everything and told him we were staying here as long as we needed. He wants you to call him tonight. We were just trying to keep your blood pressure stable through all of your appointments."

Her doctor went over all of the same stuff with them. All three could recite the script by now, the do's and don'ts and all the hedging doctors did to keep themselves from law suits. When she thought they were ready to wrap things up Darren cleared his throat, "Can I ask something, could be stupid but it's bothering me." The doctor encouraged all questions so he continued with what he had noticed during the biopsy.

"It's not a good idea to jump to a conclusion from something like this. That said I do want to speak to you alone for a few minutes Isabelle."

"No. They can stay. Anything you say to me you can say in front of them."

"Probably for the best, I spoke with the oncologist and the radiologist had some concerns about the growth of the mass over the past few days. It's a fairly rapid growth and they also found some additional masses that hadn't shown up on the previous ultrasound." Chris had been sitting but stood behind her now and wrapped his arms around her. Darren sat next to her and held on to her hand.

"It isn't the best sign but still isn't definitive and we won't make any decisions until the results are back next week. Dr. Minke did ask me to talk to you about terminating the pregnancy if it does turn out to be cancer. I know it isn't what you want to hear but I want you to take some time, discuss it amongst yourselves. You are very close to the cut off where termination will not be an option, however if you do have cancer the treatments are limited by your pregnancy. If you terminate we can do a surgical biopsy and remove the cancer then use radiation and chemotherapy to keep the area cancer free. If you decide to keep the baby our best option would be mastectomy which is a much more dramatic response with a longer recovery time."

He was used to the tears at this point; very few people got this news without them. At least these three had teared up without lashing out at him, he set a box of tissues next to her on the exam table and told them they could take as long as they needed, he'd be back in for more questions should they have them.


	14. Chapter 14

Issey grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her nose. Darren and Chris both went for their eyes.

"It's out of the question of course." She said emphatically.

The air in the room was heavy. Chris looked at Darren, "I'm sorry, I know you're a part of this but can I just have a second alone with her?"

"Yeah, okay."

The second the door closed Chris hopped up on the table next to her and kissed her then pulled her into him. "We can talk about it later if you want, it doesn't have to be now. We need to let it sink in. I'm just going to say this for now, I love you, I love this baby, but if we lose you we lose the baby. I'll let the baby go to save you" His voice broke and his fingers were digging into her skin. It was slightly painful but she was grateful for it. "I won't let you go for anything."

"I can't talk about this now. I just can't. I'm being punished for what I did and that's fine, I don't care but it's not fair to punish the baby too. It isn't right."

"Hey!" he tipped her chin with his finger and locked his eyes with hers, "Quit it. You aren't being punished, and you haven't done anything wrong. I hate this thinking you somehow deserve to be sick. You were in love with us both; I'm done with you feeling guilty about it." His phone buzzed against her from his pocket but he ignored it, "People fall in love, there's nothing you can do."

She broke down crying then and let him rock her slowly. His grip loosened and his touch softened, cradling her tenderly. She sniffed and pulled it together a little, "You could have said this with Darren here, why did you ask him to leave?"

"I didn't want him to have to watch me kiss you. It's been a hard enough day."

She kissed him again, "You're a good man you know that?"

He shrugged, "There's no such thing. I'm not all that good, but I'm trying."

There was a knock on the door and when she nodded Chris replied, "Come in."

It was Darren. He cleared his throat but it didn't change the lump there, "Can I? Um…just for a few minutes, would it be okay if I talked to her alone?"

Chris again looked to Issey for approval and again all she could do was nod. He slipped from the table and squeezed Darren's shoulder as he exited.

He didn't step any closer to her and he kept his eyes trained on the white tile floor. It had grey flecks and a dot of something orange that could have been dried blood. There was dust along the baseboard and this bothered Darren. It made him angry. This place should be spotless. Finally he swallowed and the pain of it showed on his face.

"I know there is a possibility that my opinion won't matter at all in a few weeks but I just wanted to tell you I'll support whatever you want to do."

She drew a deep breath. "I'm going to need more than that. I need your opinion."

He shook his head. "I can't."

"C'mere."

He came closer and she ran her hands down his forearms before taking his hands. "I'm struggling Dare, and I'm not going to make it through this without you."

"I'm here." His thumbs caressed over the backs of her hands.

"Who have you talked to today?"

"Um, you, Chris, a million doctors, those girls at the restaurant, that's it. Why?"

"Anyone else? Texts? Calls from home?"

"Oh, uh, Chuck called to see what was up and let me know Mom and Dad hadn't seen the internet stuff yet. Oh, and Ryan. Why? Did someone say they talked to me?"

"No."

Darren undertood. "You saw his phone."

"Happened again just now when he was with me."

"Did he answer it?"

"Course not. Have you seen them together?"

"Chris and Adam? I mean, at rehearsals or whatever yeah." He was being as noncommittal as possible.

"Chris likes him doesn't he?"

"Seems like it, but he loves you, that doesn't change. You should talk to him about this."

"I'm talking to you. Listen to me. I…I sort of hope that he and Adam…oh God that makes me horrible doesn't it? It's just, I love him but it would all be so much easier if he just.. forget it, I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh my God."

"Never mind. I never said this, I'm just overwhelmed. Today has been crazy and –"

Darren cut her off. "No wait, are you saying it would be easier if Chris went with Adam because you don't want him hurt by all of this or because you want to get back together with me?"

"I'd sort of like the answer to that myself." Chris had stepped into the room unnoticed.

"Chris, I just think it would be a little less stressful for you if you had someone you could talk things out with, someone not involved. I know you hit it off with Adam and I know you've been talking to him pretty much every time you aren't with me today."

"Which you decided to discuss with Darren instead of me."

There was a quick knock and the doctor entered again. "Do you have any questions for me?"

"I just want to make sure I'm clear, I can keep the baby and have a full mastectomy, if it does happen to be cancer, or I can keep my breast and get rid of the baby? It seems pretty clear that no mother is going to give her baby up to keep her breast."

"It's not that cut and dry. I've brought you some literature on the subject I suggest the three of you read this. Go home Issey, home. Not back to the road, not to some meeting. Go home with the people who love you and read this over, Do your research that I know you'll do regardless of what I tell you then talk about everything. Get a list of questions together and come back tomorrow at…" he tapped at his computer, "3:15 and we'll talk. I'll warn you, if you decide to terminate I'm going to want to do it as soon as possible."

"I'm not terminating."

"Come on, let's head out." Chris lifted her off the table and set her on the floor.

She insisted on sitting alone in the back seat on the way back to her place. Chris wasn't so great with the directions so Darren drove. Darren had spent enough time in the city to find his way with minimal instruction.

Chris was quiet as she spent the ride reading all of the twitter and tumblr posts about what a fame whore she was, how she was trying to trap both boys, that she was a beard for them both and the boys were the real couple. Not many mentions of the breast cancer but a few charming posts about how if she hurt Darren or Chris they hoped she'd get cancer and die, or be killed in an accident, or get aids and die or her favorite, kill herself.

This sort of thing was part of the job, especially with younger fandoms, but this was the ugliest group she'd ever seen and today was the wrong day for it. She started to cry again, got mad at herself for letting these kids who knew nothing of her life or her situation get to her and cried harder because it was impossible to pull it together.

Darren caught her eye in the rear view mirror. "You okay?"

"Great."

"Do you want me to pull over somewhere?"

"No, just get me home please."

When they got to her place she kept her head down and cleared her throat before they got out of the car. "I need some time alone. Can you guys find something to do for a few hours?"

Darren turned in his seat to face her. "I don't want to leave you, you're upset. "

She touched his arm, "I'm okay. I just want to take a really long bath and cry. I haven't been alone in so long, I just want to be alone for a little while."

Darren looked to Chris who was still silent.

"One hour." Darren decided.

"Two."

"Babe, I'm worried about you."

Chris kicked at the floorboard, "Can you not?"

The other two looked at him his face was flush with anger. "Can you not call her pet names in front of me? It's rude."

"Sorry. You're right. I just wasn't thinking."

"I could use a little alone time myself. Darren can take the car, I'm gonna call a cab." Chris got out and began walking, his cell phone to his ear.

Darren looked at Issey. "Sorry."

"It's fine. He needs a little time with all of this. We've all had a bad day. If you don't want to go out it's okay."

"No, I could use some time to think myself. You don't need the car?"

"No, I really am heading into the tub. Go, take your time. I'm really going to be okay."

She got out, took her house keys leaving Darren the car key only and watched him drive away before heading inside. Her apartment felt too quiet so she turned on the television but TMZ was showing pictures taken of her walking into the oncologist's office with Darren and Chris. Harvey and Surfer Dude were going back and forth about whether she was pregnant, sick or both. She switched the tv off and turned on the cd player, blasting Mahler's 10th through the house and went to run her bath.

Lit only by candles her bathroom felt like a safe haven. Issey dropped lavender bath oil into the tub and slid in, laying her head against the cool tile. She exhaled; it felt like the first time all day.

"Little Sea Monkey I am screwing up our lives with every move I make. I don't mind so much for me but I feel bad for you. Don't worry though, I won't let you pay for my stupidity at least not if I can help it. I'll tell you one thing for sure, I love your daddy and he loves you." She rubbed her still flat (well, as flat as it ever was which was not very) tummy. "Okay, I don't know which guy it is but either way, he loves you and I love him. Don't judge, you wait til you can see them both. They're amazing guys, your possible dads and they both love you so much, even the one who doesn't end up being your dad, he'll still love you, I know he will. If Chris isn't your Daddy I know he'll still treat you like his own. He's been so good with Darren, and it's sort of for me, but it's a lot for you too. If Darren's not your dad he'll try to leave us alone so you, Daddy and I can be a family but I can't let him. I'll tell you something I can't say out loud to anyone else, but I bet you already know since you're a part of me, I really hope Darren is your dad. It's a terrible thing, because Chris is so good to me and I love being with him but I always feel like this is us on our way to other people. I can't shake it. Darren…he's level headed. He'd know what to do for you." She just kept talking, just to hear the words come out of her mouth. She didn't plan what she'd say; she didn't think ahead, she just let whatever was on her mind or in her heart come out. She wasn't sure she believed it all, but it was clear it was stuff she had to get out and nowhere felt safer than this. Candlelight flickered, when the water would cool she'd add warm to it and sink a little deeper. "The biggest secret I have though my little Sea Monkey? You can't ever tell. I'm still in love with them both. I don't want to be but I am."

It felt good to get that one out. She'd been thinking about Darren more and more lately and stole glances at him whenever she thought Chris wasn't paying attention. She always felt guilty later but she couldn't help herself.

Shrivel skinned and starting to get antsy she cleaned up and pulled the stopper to let the water out. Dropping the towel on her bedroom floor she climbed across her bed and grabbed her phone from her nightstand. She had more messages than she cared to deal with but none from the only person she wanted to hear from so she called him.

"Yeah?" he sounded annoyed.

"Wow. Okay. Nevermind." She hung up.

Her phone rang, she picked it up on the fourth ring, "Forget it."

Chris sighed, "Love, today…sucks. I didn't mean to answer the phone that way, I didn't look to see who it was."

"Yes, you did."

"No. I didn't. I assumed it was" his silent trip over the name said more that his words, "someone else, I thought you'd be napping."

"Its okay. Are you coming back soon? Being alone is overrated."

"Are you alright?"

"What? Yeah, I mean, I'd be better if you were here but I'm alright. "

"Where'd Darren?"

"Don't know he left right after you."

"I'm going to stay at the Park Plaza tonight."


	15. Chapter 15

After hanging up, hands were shaking, Issey dialed Darren.

"Hey, you okay?" He answered right away.

"Yeah, I just" insert giant sniffle here "wanted to let you know you could come back whenever you want. I'm pretty much over alone time."

"I'm on my way. Stand by to buzz me in."

"You don't have to come back right away, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to wander around waiting for me to be ready...wait, where are you?"

"I was at the restaurant across the street, just sort of waiting it out. Are you, uh…hang on…" she heard him pay at the register and thank the waitress for her help, "'k I'm back, are you crying?"

"Can you blame me?" she half laughed.

"Guess not. Chris back yet?"

"No. God be careful!" she was watching him run across the street from her window.

He smiled up at her, "I'm fine. Before I come up do you want anything? I should have asked from the restaurant. Food? Ice cream? Anything?"

"Next door, the convenience store, whatever Ben and Jerry's has the most chocolate in it."

"Be right there."

She pulled herself together; pulling on soft pj shorts and a tank top, then went to the kitchen to grab two spoons. She buzzed Darren up, unlocked her door then settled on the sofa a dvd of Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation playing on the television.

He came in and handed her the ice cream, readily taking a spoon from her and hopping on the cushion next to her.

"So, how was alone time?"

"Had a good bath." She took a bite of ice cream and passed the carton to Darren, "then I called Chris to come home and it took an ugly turn."

"Do you want water? I need water…keep talking, I can hear you." Darren went to the kitchen.

"So I called him and told him I wanted him to come home and he told me he was staying in a hotel tonight."

"WHAT?" Darren came in with two glasses of water. "He's not coming back?"

"Nope. I sort of lost my shit at that point."

"Meaning?" Darren kicked off his shoes and sat cross-legged across from her.

"Meaning I told him if he wanted to meet his boyfriend at some hotel the least he could do was be honest with me about it."

"Woah."

"Yeah Woah. Not exactly the best way to open the discussion about him and Adam."

"No proabably not, what did he say?" Darren grabbed the ice cream back and spooned a huge hunk into his mouth.

"He said it was less about Adam than about giving him time to sort his feelings and giving us time to be alone, but that if I was hoping he was going to leave me for Adam he could just bow out entirely so I could stop pretending I wasn't in love with you."

"Okay, there were so many things there I don't even know which one I want to hear about first. No, I do. Pretending you aren't in love with me?"

"I am, he knows it. I try to keep it on the dl so he isn't haunted by it, but you know it,I know it and he knows it. My heart is split in two, well, three now," she touched her stomach, "there's no point in pretending otherwise now is there?"

"Guess not. I thought it would feel better to hear you say it but it doesn't change much does it?"

"Not really."

"So he said it was less about him and Adam, implying there was a him and Adam for it to be about?"

"Uh huh. I asked him if Adam knew about the pregnancy and the cancer and all and he said he knew about the pregnancy and that the father could be either of you. I flipped out and told him it was his fault that our personal lives are all over the news. I didn't even tell my family and he told this stranger and suddenly they know where we are all day, and magically this asshole is on the phone with Chris all day between appointments."

"You don't think Adam tipped off the press?"

"It's the only thing that makes sense. It was just us who knew and today the story breaks, when Chris is talking to him constantly."

"What did he say?"

"Defended him. Said I just needed a reason to hate on him. Whatever. I told him I didn't need a reason beyond the way he checked out his ass right in front of me. It's disrespectful."

"Fair enough. I can't believe he did that."

"First time we all met. There was drooling involved. Chris's answer to that was it was disrespectful to him the way I look to you every time something scares me."

"You don't do that."

"Yeah. I do."

"Sounds like this was a discussion you guys needed to have in person."

"That's what I thought but he doesn't want to be near me. I know he thinks something is going to happen between us tonight, it's like his little test, leave us alone and of course we won't be able to keep our hands off each other."

"I don't hate having you to myself but I'm not about to ravish you just because he isn't here."

"Same. I'm sorry to say I really did want him here but when he didn't want to come I was kind of glad I was going to have time alone with you. We haven't had much of a chance to just hang out."

Darren perked up, a smile crossing his face, "Pajama party! What do you want to do first?"

"Phone calls, I need to get a bunch of ugly calls out of the way, starting with Ryan."

"Do you want me to give you some privacy?"

"Not necessarily but if you have stuff you want to do I can call Ryan on my own, but I'd love you to sit with me when I call my family."

"I'll grab a shower while you call Ryan," he patted her leg as he stood, "be back in time for the family calls."

Ryan was upset she hadn't told him but understood that both she and the two boys needed to stay put for a few more days when she told him the decision they had facing them. He didn't like it but he couldn't really say much. She told him she'd try to talk Chris into coming back to do the next night's show and then maybe fly back to Boston but Darren wasn't willing to budge.

A room away Darren ran the water for his shower, he wanted it to scald him. Just before he stepped under the spray he grabbed his sell phone and quickly typed a text to Chris.

Darren: You're a selfish asshole. Don't worry, I'll take care of her. Tonight, always. Keep flaking bro. she'll be back in my arms where she belongs in no time.

He back spaced over everything after asshole and hit send before tossing the phone onto his towel and leaning back into the shower, letting the water drops sting him like angry bees. He was pissed off, scared, sad, every negative emotion he'd ever felt magnified a thousand times but slowly the sound of the falling water calmed him. The heat melted the knots in his shoulders, the steam released his breath and his body went from a tight, thrum of anxiety to the man he was used to seeing in the mirror.

Issey was waiting to call her family when he came out in Michigan shorts and a navy wife beater.

"How'd it go with Ryan?"

"He understood. I told him I'd make Chris come back for tomorrow night's show but that you weren't leaving me. I guess I sort of assumed you wouldn't want to go but if I overstepped…"

"No, you didn't and you know Chris isn't going to want to go back either."

"You never know, he might be missing his boyfriend."

Darren patted her leg. "You never answered me, why are you hoping he's interested in Adam?"

"Because I'd rather be mad at him than hurt him. I'd rather be hurt by him than hurt him."

Darren's phone buzzed on the table but he ignored it.

"You're so afraid of losing him for something you do you'd rather lose him for something he does."

"At lease if he's interested in Adam he won't be alone when I…if something happens to me."

"Pushing him away now so it hurts less later? Okay, that ALWAYS works." He rolled his eyes and handed her her phone. "Call your family."

"Can you stay quiet?"

"Yeah, why?"

She dialed and transferred the phone to the speaker on the table. Darren looked down and to the right, his signal that he was uncomfortable.

"You want me to take it off speaker?" she asked while it was ringing.

"No, I just feel ba-"

Her sisters voice broke in as if she had just appeared in the center of the room. "Finally! Where the heck have you been all day?"

"At the doctor's, as if you and the rest of the free world didn't know."

"Is it true? Are you finally settling down and starting a family?"

Issey reached for Darren's hand and squeezed. "I'm pregnant, yes. Soph, I don't know that I'm going to end up having the baby."

Darren looked surprised and squeezed her hand back.

"What are you saying? Are you becoming some sort of hippie, women's lib nut now too? Or do you really not know which of those boys is the father? That dark haired one is yummy."

Darren raised his brows and grinned.

"That dark haired one is a pain in the butt, so is the light haired one, but I love them."

"THEM? You love them? Jesus take the wheel, is this going to be some sort of sister wives situation?"

"You have that backward but no, and it's true, we aren't sure which is the father." Her sister took this opportunity to huff; there has never been so much judgment in a single exhalation. "But there's more than that."

"More? I don't even think I want to know, who else?"

"No, not like that, I found a lump in my breast; they think it could be cancer and want me to terminate the pregnancy."

Her sister made a squeak and Darren moved closer to her pulling her into him.

"Well that's out of the question. Right?" Sophia finally said.

"It isn't just my decision, but yes, I think we've agreed termination isn't the option we'd like to explore."

Her sister was on her soap box, it was what she did when she found a topic distasteful or frightening. Any time where Issey would throw herself into work Sophia threw herself into motherhood and a holier than thou attitude.

"Of course it's your decision. You don't even know who the father is, how can you even consider anyone else's opinion. Listen, I would die for my kids, I know you don't know this little one yet, and God forbid something come into your life that makes you slow down, stay in one place for more than a minute, but if you let this go you'll regret it one day."

Darren mouthed "Wow" at Issey who rested her head on his chest, breathing in the scent of his soap still clinging to his skin.

"Soph, there are three of us making decisions right now, we need to talk everything out. I know they both love me and I know they both want this baby. It isn't as easy as you make it sound. I don't want to abort, of course I don't, but that doesn't mean I can't lose the baby because of the treatment. Sis, I'm not looking for another opinion here, I have an abundance of opinions, I'm just updating you. Also I'm moving to Los Angeles at the end of this tour."

"Los Angeles? Land of the plastic personalities and bodies? You can't raise a child there."

"It isn't against the law, They do allow children."

"Who do you want to be the father?"

"Soph."

"Seriously. You should know who it is, you should feel it. Is it who you want it to be?"

"No."

"I'm sorry."

"I have to go call Mom."

"good luck."

She clicked the remote that hung up the phone and rested on Darren for a few minutes without speaking. Eventually Darren gave in to the curiosity. "Do you really think you know who the father is?"

She nodded. She did.

He swallowed hard. "Is it me?"

For the millionth time that day she felt the lump harden in her throat as she shook her head. No.


	16. Chapter 16

"Mom...Mother...Ma...Hanging up on you in 3..2..Well it's the only way I can make you listen."

"Isabelle today has been trying. I found out my youngest child is about to make me a grandmother from the television. It's a sad day when I can't even settle in with a cup of tea and Dr. Oz without finding out my daughter is a tramp."

"Dr. Oz told you I was pregnant?"

"Obviously not Belle, it was that vile alphabet show ad."

Issey had interrupted to ask her mother for the billionth time not to call her Belle and then sighed. Alphabet show.

"TMZ ? Was it a commercial for TMZ?"

"How would I know? It's a bunch of people hollering about things that are, quite frankly, none of their business."

"Fantastic, look, I just found out, I was going to tell everyone when I hit three months you know how it is."

"You're father and I are not everyone Belle, and I'm very sure I do not know 'how it is' that my unmarried daughter who runs around after rock stars all year turns up pregnant with God knows who. You always were boy crazy. You chased that poor Tommy Campbell until he was afraid to come out of his house."

"He was cute." Sometimes it was easier to just roll with it and let her mom just run herself out than to defend herself. Not that Issey had much of a defense, she had tortured poor Tommy with her love struck ministrations at the age of 11 and she was, in fact currently knocked up by 'God knows who'. The only real objection she had to her mothers lament was her broad stroke use of the term 'rock star'.

"It's that smart mouth of yours that gets you in trouble, Missy."

Issey mumbled under her breath that if she'd used her mouth she wouldn't be in trouble but her mother barreled on not noticing.

"What is the plan, that's what I'd like to know? Are you going to marry one of these boys and settle down or do you plan on turning my grandbaby into a gypsy like you?"

"Right now Mom the plan is to get through the next week or so. I'm seeing an oncologist because we think I might have breast cancer. The doctor has suggested that getting rid of the baby may be the best course of action to deal with the cancer, so y'know I have some stuff going on aside from being a constant disappointment to you."

Hearing this Darren moved closer to her and took her hand.

Her mother was quiet for a few minutes and then said simply, "You will not get rid of this child to make your life more convenient. Your father wants to say hi." and she was gone.

"Hi Dad." her voice went small and Darren kissed her hand and left the room, instinctively knowing she wouldn't need his emotional protection for this.

"Hi Kitten, how's things?"

"Oh, you know, chaos."

"It IS the way of the Universe."

"So I've learned. So I guess you know."

"Are these boys good to you?"

"The best. Really dad. It's not like it sounds, not at all."

"Of course it isn't. Everyone acts like they don't have a past, like the same thing couldn 't happen to them. In the end we're going to have a beautiful baby to love and that's all that matters. Are you happy?"

"I would be, but there are complications, I'm not all that healthy, they're thinking I may have cancer so that's putting a damper on things."

"Oh Kitten." her Dad was rarely at a loss for words but this time he clearly didn't know what to say.

"It's okay, the boys are taking good care of me and we don't know for sure yet. I'll keep you informed."

"Please. I know your mother can be harsh, but she loves you."

"Oh, I know Dad. She's never been good at sugar coating, but you're so sweet you balance her out."

"If you need anything, even just a hand to hold you let me know okay? I may be an old man but I'm still good for something."

"You're not an old man and you're good for lots of things, especially making me feel better."

When she hung up she called Darren back into the room.

"Your mom's kinda brutal huh?"

"She's just upset she had to find out her daughter is a tramp while watching Dr. Oz." she tucked her feet under Darren's thigh and laid back against the side of the couch.

"Wow, she didn't say that did she?"

"Oh, yeah, she said that, she also said I was not getting rid of my child to make my life more convenient, in case there was any question in my mind." She sighed, "She doesn't really get to me anymore, except when she says what I'm already thinking. It's like she's validating all of the horrible things I think about myself."

He looked sad, "I'm really sorry, I hope you don't believe that deep down. It just isn't true. What we did, I can't regret it. I know I should, it's hurting you, it hurt Chris, it led to all of these questions and you feeling the way you do but I love you and I'd never have forgiven myself for not trying to win you back, whatever it took."

"I was convinced in that moment that I was staying with you. I knew it was where I belonged."

"What changed?"

"I saw him. I looked at Chris and I knew I loved him. Really loved him."

"Okay, this is depressing, give me this." He tugged her foot from under him and pinched her big toe lightly. "Your toes need painting. Tell me you have polish."

"You gonna do it?"

He nodded, "I'm doing it."

Delighted she ran to her room and came back with a small box of colors, "You pick."

He sorted through and picked a soft baby pink and held it up, "I'm not going to hide it, I'm thinking pink."

She smiled, "Don't tell Chris but me too."

He did a much neater job than she expected and she tried not to think too hard about the fact that this probably wasn't his first time. When he was done she took the bottle, "Your turn."

"Fine, pink?"

"Do you want a girl or not?"

"Pink it is." He plopped his feet in her lap and she painted happily thinking as she did how much she used to hate to have anyone's feet near her and how this didn't bother her even a little.

Finally when she could barely keep her eyes open Issey kissed Darren's cheek and fell into her bed. Pulling Chris's pillow from the night before close to her she wrapped around it and tried not to cry at the scent of his shampoo.

Rolling over in the middle of the night her hand brushed something soft beside her. Issey's eyes flew open and she recognized Chris's frame in the dark. He lay on his stomach, his right arm tucked half way under her pillow, his left serving as his own pillow. She knew she shouldn't bother him but she couldn't help herself, she kissed the back of his shoulder a spot she knew was clustered with freckles. He stirred just enough to move the back of his hand to her cheek but remained asleep.

When sunlight began to creep into the room she opened her eyes to find him on his side, watching her sleep.

"Hi." she whispered.

He smiled and stroked a finger down her arm, "Hi"

"Get kicked out of the hotel?"

"Yeah, got too wild. Breaking things, loud orgies, you know how I do."

"Good. I don't like sleeping with you under a different roof."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding."

He linked their fingers, "I'm not used to being so close to someone, having someone there all the time. When big stuff happens I'm used to taking time to myself and processing it, now I sort of feel like I don't have time to just…be."

She rested her hand on his hip trying to stop herself from clinging to him completely. "No, I get it. I should have realized it when we were talking. I wanted time alone and didn't think about giving you the same thing."

"We need to talk about some serious stuff."

"Don't like the sound of that." She sat up, her back against the pillows. "Why didn't you wake me when you got in?"

"Darren said you hadn't napped at all, I knew how tired you must be. He was pissed at me for leaving last night."

"Really? He didn't say anything to me about it."

"He was texting to get back here."

"You're kidding! That's so weird. We had a pretty good night watching movies and junk. I mean, I had to talk to my mom and that was kinda brutal but otherwise it was fine. I don't want him telling you I'm falling apart when I'm okay."

"He said you needed me, guess he was wrong." Chris's eyes were grey instead of their usual brilliant blue; his voice was low and scratchy.

Issey chewed her lip before speaking. "He was wrong. I didn't need you. I would have preferred you were here but I understood the need for space. I needed time to be angry at you without you here so I could work through what I was really mad at."

"You still mad?"

"No. I do still think Adam is the one who tipped off the press but I can't be mad that you have someone you feel like you can talk to, and if there's something more there then I love you enough to let you figure that out. "

"You're hoping I want Adam so you don't feel bad about wanting Darren."

"I'm willing to talk about me and Darren but will you be honest about what's going on with you and Adam?"

"I'm always honest with you. I don't know how I feel about Adam. He came into our lives right before everything went crazy, if we weren't going through all of these things…" he shrugged, "I don't know, maybe I wouldn't have let him in so close."

"Are you attracted to him?"

"He's a good lucking guy."

"Chris."

"Yes. I'm attracted to him. I'm sorry, but I am."

"Don't be sorry. I hate to even ask but have you done more than talk?"

He shook his head furiously, "No. Of course not, no. I don't think he thinks of me that way and I would never, ever do that to you. You told me once you didn't think about Darren anymore. That isn't true is it?"

"First Adam does think of you that way, he looks at you like a meal. When I told you that I meant it, I had shut Darren from my mind but now, things have changed."

"I could feel it. So what does this mean, to us?"

"I don't know. I still want to be with you but I'm worried that you're staying with me because I'm sick and pregnant. If things were different maybe you'd have already told me you wanted to explore your feelings for Adam."

"What about your feelings for Darren? Do you want to go back to him?"

"I can't answer that. When I look at you you're all I want but it's so much easier with him. "

"Close your eyes and tell me what you want, really want, if there was no one's feelings to consider, nothing standing in the way, what would you want?"

"I will if you will."

"Agreed."

Issey closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She tried to center her mind and imagine what she most wanted. "Both. I want you both. I don't want to lose you, I want to keep things as they are with us but I want to have Darren in my life too. I want to be able to have him in my life without it hurting or threatening you. You're turn."

"I want to be this baby's Daddy. I want to be your man and raise a family and have a normal life with you but then I want to know what it would be like to kiss Adam, to feel his lips on my throat, his hands all over me, I want to know what it would be like to be his."


	17. Chapter 17

Issey took in what Chris said. She let it sink into her skin and it chilled her. She'd suspected it, but to hear him say it frightened her. He was apologizing again, back pedaling and saying that he shouldn't have been so blunt, but she stopped him. Issey reassured him that this was what they needed, honest conversation was how they fell in love and it was the only way they would be able to stay important in each others lives no matter what form that took.

"I think you need to go back. I promised Ryan I'd get you back to them in time for tonight's show anyway and I think it's what you need. Go be alone, or be with Adam, whatever feels right. You have my blessing."

"I'm not leaving you to go all the way back to the show, not yet, that's insane."

"No, it's your job, and they can't let you skip shows, you're a huge part of this. I'm okay right now and Darren will stay with me."

"He's in the show too in case you've forgotten."

"I talked to Ryan, Curt will take his leads, he can handle it and Darren's not even a series regular, it will be fine for a night or two."

"Don't pretend the audience doesn't get louder for him than anyone else."

"That's not true. It just feels that way to you because you're sensitive about him." She curled against him, resting her head on his chest, "I miss us. I feel like since we got the bus we've been growing further apart."

He let her hair spill over his fingers "We were hiding with each other that made us easy, now we want to hide from each other because it's getting hard."

"I don't want you to hide anything, not anymore. If you need time alone, say so. If you want to spend time with Adam either as friends or to explore something more then I want you to tell me and do it. I don't want to hold you back from being happy, not ever. I don't want to lose you as my best friend, if that means I have to let you go as my lover then I will."

"Does your willingness to let me explore things with Adam mean we're breaking up?"

"That's up to you, for now I'm willing to share, willing to let you see which way you want to go."

"And what about Darren?"

"I'm yours. If we do break up, if you decide you'd rather be alone than in a relationship, or that you and Adam want to make a go of things, then I'll see where Darren and I stand but please don't think I'm sitting here waiting for you to move on so I can be with him, that isn't what this is. I don't know that I'd go back to him, honestly. I love him but he still lied to me, he still scares me with how deeply I feel for him. I don't know if maybe the best thing would be for me to be alone for awhile and concentrate on my health and this baby. I don't like keeping things from Darren but just for now I think we should keep this just between us. I don't want him getting his hopes up that you and Adam getting a chance to work things about means automatically that he gets me back."

They acted as though they were fine, the perfect couple when the three of them went out for breakfast and then went to the doctors for the follow up he'd requested. Everyone agreed that getting rid of the baby was out of the question. Chris wanted to know what would happen if it was cancer, what was the time line, the next step.

"That will depend on what we learn from the biopsy. They took multiple samples so they should be able to give us a stage if it is cancer. If not we'll have to do some additional testing to determine what stage the cancer is at and that will tell us what the next step is."

Chris didn't want to leave, the guilt was eating away at him but Issey insisted. They decided as a group that Chris should go to the airport on his own to avoid it becoming an opportunity for paparazzi to invade further. As it stood all of their phones, as well as most of the casts, were blowing up with requests for interviews to confirm the rumors. Everyone had agreed to refuse to comment until Issey had come up with a press release.

They said their goodbyes at her apartment. He hugged her but seemed to be afraid to kiss her, as if he wasn't sure she was still his to kiss but she pulled him in and kissed him softly. It felt sadder than it needed to be and both had heavy hearts when he walked out the door.

Darren sat with her for awhile, chatting about what they might be missing on the tour then seemingly out of no where Darren asked if he could borrow her car for a short while. She'd been throwing up for a little while and was ready for a nap anyway so she willingly handed over her keys.

A loud thump followed by a quiet "Shit!" woke her. Darren was in the kitchen opening and closing doors. Issey padded in, "Are you looking for something spe- what the heck did you do?"

Darren was surrounded by grocery bags; she wondered how many trips he'd made from the car to get them all upstairs without her noticing. He pulled a mango, lemons, and wintergreen gum from one bag and bagels, Rosemary Crackers, Triscuits and cottage cheese from another.

He stopped and shrugged, "I was reading online about different remedies for morning sickness. I bought pretty much anything anyone said would help. Plus I got some stuff to cook for healthy meals."

"Ice cream?"

"You puked all day, are you seriously looking for ice cream?"

"Tell me you got ice cream." She started digging through bags of healthy food.

"Here." He said handing her a bag filled with all her favorite Ben & Jerry's flavors as well as all sorts of chocolates and chips, junk food galore.

She jumped up and down and kissed his cheek, "I love you."

Issey started for the living room with the goodie bag but Darren stopped her. "Uh-uh, that's for the rest of the time we're home, take one and leave the rest here for me to put away."

She grabbed a bag of Fritos and a pint of Bonnaroo Buzz and reached for a spoon but Darren told her to get two spoons and leave the chips behind. She huffed but did as she was told. He banged around a little longer and then met her on the sofa taking the carton from her. "You have to stop eating crap. I'm going to cook you something healthy for dinner tonight." It was a good point but not completely convincing given the size of the spoonful of ice cream he shoveled into his face as he said it.

"You don't have to cook, you shopped, which I will pay you back for by the way, but I'll cook, you can rest."

"There will be no paying me back, and I don't need rest, I'm climbing out of my skin with extra energy. I feel like I have to do something to be useful, let me do this."

She agreed and they ate in companionable silence for awhile before Darren spoke again, "Are you sorry you sent him away?"

"No, he needed to go. He's like me, he needs to work to keep his head straight."

"You haven't been working much, how's your head?"

"A mess. I'm sick of crying, I'm just numb now, just in limbo. I hate all this waiting. I wish we had all our answers so we could all get on with figuring out our lives. I should have let you go back too, it was selfish of me to keep you here."

He shook his head no, "I'd have gone crazy not knowing how you were. I couldn't leave if I had to. I don't know how he did it. I'm not blaming him; I'm just saying it would be too hard to not be here. He must be stronger than I am."

"He's just wired differently. He's struggling with so many things and a little time to himself will do him good, but I'm glad you stayed. I'd probably drown in melancholy without you here."

"So poetic. I didn't bring up everything I bought today, I'm going back down to the car, stay here, and stay out of the chips."

He knocked at her door to get back in and she yelled to him, "You have the keys Dopey!" but he knocked, or it sounded more like kicked the door again so she went and pulled it open. He carried a guitar case and an overloaded plastic bag.

"What in the world? You have lost your mind. You HAVE a guitar."

"Not here, and I'm going crazy without it, I figure it can't hurt to have a back up right? I can get writing done and whatever if I have it here."

"Okay, fair enough, what's in the bag?"

"Come sit." He went back to the living room and took the half eaten carton of ice cream back to the kitchen before settling in by her side. "First we have this." He handed her a dvd titled Prenatal and Postnatal Yoga. "I'll do it with you and if we don't like this one they have tons of others, I just took a shot."

"Nice, okay, as long as you do it with me I'll try. Tell me those aren't all meditation and yoga videos."

"Just that one. The rest are movies, you have a severe lack of Disney in your dvd collection and I remember you saying there were a bunch of these you'd never really seen." He hauled out movie after animated movie getting more excited with each.

"First, this is very sweet, second, when did you go through my movie collection?"

"You said I could poke around and look where I wanted. Don't worry, I stayed out of your music, I know how heavily you guard those secret Air Supply cd's."

"I've told you I'm not embarrassed about those. Maybe if you're good I'll let you go through them later so you can tell me what I'm missing there too."

He made dinner and they watched Beauty and the Beast which happened to be the first dvd in the bag. She didn't look through what he bought, preferring instead to be surprised as he revealed each new movie. She fell asleep during Lady and the Tramp and woke hours later in her bed with her covers over her.

The next morning she woke to the scent of coffee and followed her nose to the kitchen.

"How'd you sleep?" Darren looked obnoxiously awake and was already flipping an omelet.

"Like a rock. Didn't think I'd sleep at all without Chris here but I guess not going to bed without him helped. Thank you."

"Not a problem. Feel like you can eat?" He set a glass of apple juice in front of her.

"I think so, coffee please?"

"I bought decaf you have to be careful of the caffeine for the baby."

"I'll never wake up at this rate. Ok, bring on the decaf. What's going on with that omelet?"

"That one is mine; I was waiting until you got up to make yours."

"There's a difference?"

"Mine has hot peppers, yours will have yummy spinach and cheese and green peppers."

"Spinach? I don't think so."

"Trust me, you'll like it. If you don't I'll make you another one."

"Okay, I can't believe how hard it's raining. I really wanted to go for a ride today, show you around."

"We can still do that if you want but I think we've done enough wandering around, maybe one day of staying put would do you good. If you want to work Ryan told me he sent you last night's show, I think we should do the Yoga thing a little after breakfast."

"Yeah one whole day in the same place actually sounds kind of nice."

He was right about the omelet, she loved it. He also had her eat a piece of whole wheat toast and an orange along with a large glass of milk. She was stuffed but he insisted her calorie count had to be 100 calories higher for breakfast while she was pregnant. He also had her take her vitamins. She felt 9 but that was okay, she also felt safe and cared for.

They vegged out in front of morning tv for awhile, she checked her email and indeed Ryan had sent the show over. Chris messaged her saying he didn't want to wake her up but that she should call when she was up. She called him back and he wanted to know how she was, didn't want to talk much about what was going on there. He said he didn't sleep which made Issey feel bad for how well she slept. When they got off the phone the "I love you" felt forced from both sides and made her feel a little queasy.

Darren grabbed the yoga dvd. "Let's do this, we've waited long enough, it'll give us some energy for the day. Just because we're staying home doesn't mean we have to be lumps."

She agreed and he moved the coffee table. It turned out to be a really helpful tape with lots of gentle stretches and poses that were slightly challenging for her but not impossible. She fell over once and giggled. Darren found the center of each posture right away and never waivered. When they talked about it later he put it down to his parkour training. She worked, using a headset while he chatted on the phone with friends from his theater group, planning shows and talking about who might be able to make it to New York while Glee was there because he had a solo show planned at Irving Plaza. He wanted to get Starkids and some Glee friends together as well as some other pals in New York to just have an old fashion jam session of a show.

Later while he watched The Last Airbender (she guessed for the millionth time since he knew the dialog by heart) Issey went for a nap and to call her sister who had left at least 10 messages in the last day.

"Are you hiding from me?" This is how Sophia answers her phone.

"I'm hiding from everyone. How're the kids?"

"Motherhood is changing you, you never ask that."

"Soph, their my neices and nephews, I ALWAYS ask that."

"No, you never do. You're always too busy to talk and just calling to tell me some big important thing then rushing off the phone."

"Okay, well I'm asking now. How are they?"

Issey remembered shortly after why she never asked. She got a comprehensive update of each child including growth spurts, grades, sporting trials and triumphs, and for the younger ones who was sleeping through the night, who was chewing big girl food and who was biting. It was overwhelming and at some point she had to tune it out.

"So we're putting him in a special program to stop it because he made the last little girl bleed."

"That's great. About um, about the program I mean, I'm sure it will help." Issey tried to hold up her end.

They talked about their parent's reaction to Issey's news and about sending Chris back on the road. "So it's just you and the hot one, all alone in your apartment?"

"Yes, just me and the hot one, and he's cooking for me, shopping for me, doing pregnancy yoga with me…being his usual disgustingly perfect self."

"Remind me why you broke up with Mr. Wonderful?:"

"Damned if I can remember."

"Are those horny hormones kicking in yet?"

"Shut up."

"THEY ARE! Well I don't know how you plan on resisting that one. I barely gave Clive the chance to get in the door each day when I was pregnant."

"Explains a lot."

"Hush you. You're gonna break that little gay boys heart but I say go for it."

"I'll say this, it feels right having him around."

"You've always been so independent and averse to sharing your space with anyone, I'm surprised you aren't climbing the walls right now."

"No, no wall climbing, the only thing I want to climb right now is the hot one."


	18. Chapter 18

Issey and Darren eased into a comfortable pattern, as if they'd always lived together. He'd make breakfast she'd clean up, they'd watch morning news, do yoga and then work for awhile (her on the shows Ryan sent her, he on his latest Starkid show) . Around noon one or the other would stretch and declare it was time to get out and depending on the weather they would take a walk or a drive. They didn't talk all that much, usually each lost in their own thoughts, but the companionship was comforting. Darren made fruit salads and got delicious breads and cheeses for lunch and together they'd cook a healthy dinner. At night they watched the movies he'd bought, mostly Disney but a few really terrible horror things thrown in for good measure. She spent more time with her eyes closed than open during those and Darren would make up ridiculous things that he insisted were happening on the screen.

"An enormous platypus just climbed out of the basement…it has the chainsaw…it's…it's…JUGGLING! This is amazing, open your eyes, you have to see this!"

She rarely fell for it and when she did she regretted it. One night after a particularly disturbing movie she couldn't sleep and insisted he entertain her. Darren pulled out his guitar and they sang together softly, moving easily from one old standard to the next. She cuddled in her corner of the sofa letting the music fill the air around her.

"I have to confess something." He continued to strum as he spoke.

"I don't' like the sound of that."

"You might be angry but I hope not."

"Oh boy."

"The day you told me you were pregnant. When I went into the studio while you went up to call Chris?"

"I remember."

"I was fiddling around with the equipment and I heard the song you'd recorded."

"Oh."

"Are you mad?"

"I suppose not. It's not like I had it hidden, and I did tell you you could go in, I had to expect you to play with stuff. I just never thought about it."

"It was beautiful. Why don't you sing? Why don't you do all of this for yourself?"

"I hate being on display I suppose. I like directing the spotlight not standing in the heat of it. I wanted that when I was a kid, to always be the center of attention."

"You still are."

"Yeah, I guess, but I get to choose whose attention I demand. I enjoy being behind the scenes. I truly love the work I do. I love hearing someone's voice gain power, or finesse, to catch that exact moment when they get it and their voice soars like a horse breaking into a gallop beneath you for the very first time, like there's no tether to the ground." She shrugged. "I don't know if you hear it yourself but your voice is a thousand times different from when we started. I love knowing I had some small part of that. You had it all, the whole time, you just needed to be shown where to access it, how to harness it and make it do what you wanted. It takes my breath away to listen when you get it just right."

"I want you to work with me on a solo album. Write with me; sing with me, it will be an excellent outlet for what we're going through."

"I don't know the first thing about writing music."

"I know enough about tune and you have a way with words, we blend together vocally, at least say you'll try it."

"Where would we start?"

And like that, the creative child of Darren and Issey was born.

The following morning Issey's cell rang at 8:10. Her first thought was that it was Chris, but it wasn't his ringtone. Eyes still closed she answered with a groggy hello. The oncologists nurse had a sweet patient voice, the type of voice that you would never suspect of delivering gut wrenching news. The doctor requested she come in that morning if she could. They had results a day early and wanted to discuss them immediately if possible.

Issey's hand went protectively to her belly, covering the small bump there she knew logically to be gas; it was much too early to be baby. "That doesn't sound like fantastic news."

The nurse answered that she wasn't sure of the results but the doctor didn't want to keep her waiting any longer than necessary. She thanked her and let her know they'd be in the office by 9:30. When she hung up she took a minute to breathe and then texted Darren to wake him. She wasn't ready to face him just yet but needed him to get up and get in the shower. He texted back asking if she was alright and she just texted back "Chris."

Chris was supposed to be there the next day for the results. They'd talked on the phone each day and while he was still greatly concerned for her she'd noticed the slightly more relaxed tone to his voice. He was working, writing, losing himself in his safe places just as she'd hoped he would. He COULD relax because he could hear it in her voice, she was okay, she was well. Everything was becoming normal and she was getting the rest she needed in balance with the work to distract her. He trusted everything would remain status quo until he returned.

Issey pushed speed dial 2 and waited, knowing it was not exactly waking up time for him. The phone went to voice mail. She tried again and another male voice answered. "Hello?"

"Sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number." She prayed she dialed the wrong number.

"Issey?" the frog cleared from his throat and she realized it was Mark. "You okay?"

"Oh, Mark…I'm sorry I thought I was calling Chris."

"You did. We passed out in front of Mario Brothers last night. He's snoring on the floor. Should I wake him?"

She smiled at the thought of Chris asleep with the carpet denting his cheek. "Please."

"We miss you girl. I'm praying for you."

"Appreciate that Saw."

There was a minor scuffle and Chris was on the phone. "Hi, hi. What's going on? You okay?" He was in a panic.

"Yeah, I'm fine. The oncologist called and wants to see me this morning."

"We were supposed to go tomorrow. Do they have the wrong date?"

"No, he wants to see me early. I guess the results are in."

"When are you going?"

"9:30. I have to get in the shower as soon as Darren is done."

He was quiet. Processing.

"Chris?"

"Mmm."

"I'm sorry you aren't here. Are you going to go back to sleep?"

"Yeah, no big deal. I'll sleep like a baby." He was annoyed and too tired to hide it.

"No, okay, I didn't mean it that way, I just thought, if you were going to stay up when we got to the doctors I'd call you on speaker phone so you'd be a part of the discussion."

"Please. Please do that. I'm sorry I snipped. I just feel so useless here."

"Don't worry, we feel just as useless here. There's nothing anyone can do right now but wait until we know something."

"I love you." There was nothing forced about it this time. He choked it out, clearly losing his battle with his tears.

"This won't be good news Chris. Good news could wait. I'm scared."

"Me too, whatever it is though, people get through it every day. It will be tough but you're tougher."

They said "I love you" again then disconnected so she could get ready.

Darren grabbed a granola bar and an apple and put some orange juice in a travel cup. "Here, for the road."

"What about you?"

"I'm…not hungry." The nausea was chewing at him, threatening to break through his stomach and spill acid on the floor, but he wasn't saying that.

"I don't know if I can eat either."

"You need to, that little one needs breakfast."

She acquiesced but grabbed a plastic bag for the car 'just in case'.

There was no wait at the office, they were seen directly in. Issey dialed Chris as they walked the long, pale blue hall leading to the doctor's office. She'd expected an exam room, she wasn't sure why, but was oddly relieved to settle into a chair across the large mahogany desk. She held up her phone for the doctor, "My boyfriend is on speakerphone, he was due to be here tomorrow. "

"Can you hear me okay?" the doctor raised his voice.

"Fine. Thank you." Chris answered.

The doctor nodded and took a second to rifle papers on his desk. "I'm sure the nurse told you we got your results back and I wanted to go over the findings with you as soon as possible."

Darren and Issey nodded in unison, Chris remained quiet.

"The biopsy results are positive for cancer, both in the breast and, unfortunately in the lymph nodes. This means the cancer has spread. Given the palpable nature of the lump and the movement into the nodes we don't need further testing to classify your cancer as stage 3A."

Issey had purposefully avoided researching any of this, she didn't want to have more to be afraid of than strictly necessary so other than the words "your cancer" the rest meant little to her. Darren on the other hand had stayed up late nights studying the websites and forums as if he were getting his MD. At the mention of the staging he hung his head.

Issey was stunned into silence. Chris finally spoke. "3A, that's fairly far gone. How could we not have noticed this sooner?"

"There are many reasons cancers can be missed, at this point it's more important to look forward than back. Has your obstetrician spoken to you about the possibility of terminating your pregnancy?"

Issey found her voice. "My primary did. It's out of the question."

"You understand that with the baby our only option is mastectomy, without we may be able to try other therapies and possibly save your breast. In all honesty though, given the size of the masses I believe mastectomy is still the best way to go. We can make a decision about chemo and radiation after your first trimester is over. Reconstruction with have to wait until after you've given birth."

She nodded and Darren spoke up. "Because the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes is there a possibility it has spread to the other breast."

"There is that possibility but at this point we aren't finding any evidence of it. We'll continue to keep an eye on it and my official recommendation is a double mastectomy to alleviate the possibilities of problems down the road."

"Let's do it. Just cut it out, take them, I don't care. We can do this safely with the baby?"

"We can. There are always risks to surgery but this should pose no additional stress on the fetus. I want to warn you Ms. Mooney, although right now your baby is your first though, and of course your health is the most important thing to both you and your child, but the emotional stress of losing your breasts is real and although it may not be an issue now it almost certainly will be in the future. There are support groups for this and I encourage you to seek them out for support."

"She has us." Darren said.

"And she will need you but speaking to women who have been through this process is as valuable as having the support of loved ones. " He turned his attention back to Issey, "We are going to do our best with this, we will fight it and we have won countless times but I want you to understand and take seriously what you are facing. Stage 3 cancer is not an automatic death sentence but it's a very loud warning. You must rest, you have to eat right, do what we say so you can be around to watch your child grow up."

"When will we do the surgery? How soon can this happen?"

"It will be roughly a month. There will be testing to be done before. "

"Can I go back on the road and come back for tests?"

Chris answered before the doctor, "No, you have to rest."

"We have the bus, I can get rest and still get some work done." She turned to the doctor, "I'd like to return to work. I have a contract and the ability to do my job and get plenty of rest on my own bus. "

"I see no reason not to return as long as you feel up to it. I'll send you home with information about diet, and what to expect as well as some online groups you may want to check out. Do you have any more questions?"

Everyone remained quiet.

"Okay, if you have any questions at all call my office and we'll be happy to help. You should see your primary care doctor and your ob/gyn to get their input before you go back on the road. My receptionist will schedule some testing for you on the way out."

They were dismissed. Issey took Chris off speaker and told him she'd call him back when she was alone. Together she and Darren went through the motions of making appointments and gathering paperwork on their way out. In the hall she saw a ladies room and asked Darren to wait before running for the door.

She vomited loudly, clutching the walls because she became lightheaded with each retch. Tears streamed down her hot face. Darren knocked and asked if she was alone. She was so he entered.

"Don't, don't come in, I'm sick." She vomited again, spitting and coughing before sucking air into her lungs and going again.

He ran brown paper towels under cool water and placed it on the back of her neck. "Let it out, just let it go. You're alright."

She was done, she took the towels and put them on her forehead then went to the sink and rinsed her mouth with her hands. Looking in the mirror she laughed, "I'm a mess."

"You're allowed. Let me take you home, let's get you in a cool bath, calm your stomach down and get you some rest." His voice was calming, as if he was talking to a startled colt but it worked. Her shoulders lost their hunch and she put her arm around his waist and leaned on him, letting him lead her out of the building.


	19. Chapter 19

Chris wanted to come back the next day but Issey said no. It was silly, she said, to fly all the way back when she and Darren would be coming out to meet the show the next day anyway. She didn't hear disappointment in his voice when he agreed. He sounded tired, the interviews, the shows, the writing and now the preproduction meetings via skype for his upcoming movie were taking up every minute of his time apparently and he wasn't sleeping well. She wanted to ask where Adam fit into all of that but decided to wait until they were together open that particular wound.

The night they found out her diagnosis she was numb. She and Darren went out for dinner, trying to distract themselves with their surroundings. It worked for awhile but the smell of the various foods mixing together soon turned her nauseous and she asked him to take her home. As soon as they were inside she peeled off her clothes, not even waiting for the privacy of her bedroom. She'd been exposed so much at so many appointments now, and there was nothing here Darren hadn't seen before.

"I just want a nightgown, a glass of milk and a movie."

"I'm going to change too, it's HOT today."

"Does it feel like the AC is on half power or is it me?"

The kept talking as they went to their separate rooms for clothes.

"Definitely half power. Do you have a fan anywhere?"

She rolled her neck and pulled up her hair before pulling the thinnest and shortest night dress she owned over her head. "I think there's one in the closet in the hall, if there is it's way in the back."

"I'll check. Who's your Super? I'll give him a call to come fix the AC."

She went to her desk to find the number and Darren rummaged in the hall finally coming up with a standing fan. She handed him the number, not even considering calling herself, then took a moment to think about that. She'd never passed a task like this off to another person in her life. It was always her, she took care of everything, big to small, would never ask for help and would wave away the offer if it was made. Yet there he was, in boxers and nothing else, fan next to him, calling her Super to fix her AC. 'I believe I'm becoming domesticated.' She murmured to herself before going to the bag of DVD's and putting in the first movie on top. It was clearly not a horror film, something Disney with a young couple looking all flowy and romantic on the cover.

Darren set up the fan to blow across them both on the sofa and settled down on his side, feet tucked under him. "What're we watching?"

The movie answered him with "Tuck Everlasting" crossing the screen in fanciful script. He reached for the remote. "Let's save this one for another day. I'll find a better one."

"It's on, what's wrong with you, this one is fine. I've never seen it."

"Tonight might not be the right night for this subject matter."

"Shhh, it's starting, don't be such a baby."

The movie, as it turned out was a love story of two people, one apparently a 17 year old boy and the other a 15 year old girl. He has had a drink from the fountain of youth, forever 17 and unable to die, and she must decide whether to drink and stay with him forever. It was sweet and touching and when the boy tells the girl that she's the only human he'd ever want to share this with Darren's hand patted Issey's leg reassuringly. He was close to tears and Issey felt bad but couldn't stifle her giggle.

"Are you laughing?" He paused the movie. "Issey? Really? This movie about the two of them, in love and facing mortality and all you went through today and you're laughing?"

"I'm sorry Darren but this is Twilight without the pesky fangs."

"And better acting. I guess you're right, never thought of it that way." He seemed like he had more to say but instead he pressed play and settled back with his thoughts.

She was asleep before the movie ended and Darren was snoring halfway through the evening news. Sometime in the night the AC kicked into high gear and with the fan on them it got chilly. In their sleep they got closer, searching out the warmth of each other's bodies. Half way between this world and that of dreams Issey became aware of his hand stroking her calf, rather than recoil she cuddled closer. Somewhere in her consciousness a warning bell tried to caution her but she chose sleep addled innocence, allowing her leg to stretch closer, crossing his thighs. He went still for a moment; she wasn't sure whether he was watching to see if she was sleeping or afraid to wake her. Keeping her breathing even was a chore given that his calloused hand now slid over her knee, warming the gooseflesh of her thigh. When she scooted closer still her night dress bunched beneath her revealing more than she'd intended, Issey was relieved when Darren tugged at the ends, smoothing the already short dress down to cover her panties.

She opened her eyes and found him watching her. "You're too good to me. Why don't you just hate me?"

His hand resumed its place on her thigh, "It would be easier."

"For both of us." She sat up but left her legs with him which forced their bodies close together, she was nearly on his lap.

"Tonight's the last night I get you to myself, I had wanted to make you a really special dinner and talk about some stuff but then today happened and…I just didn't want to make you think about any more than you already have on your plate."

"If what you wanted to talk about was how I have to rely on you less because it's completely unfair to you then I agree. I hope you know how much I appreciate what you've done these past days; I don't know how I would have gotten through it without you."

"Not even close. In fact almost the opposite, but I want to start with something else, not about us."

"Go on."

"I don't know how to word this just right so I just hope you take it the right way and don't get mad or upset or whatever. I just feel, I don't know, I feel like this cancer, or even the threat of it has sucked all the joy out of being pregnant for you. Or, no, it's more like, I don't know if there is any joy in being pregnant for you. I know it's not something planned and all but, I guess, of all the things I know about you we never really talked about whether this was something you wanted, not now maybe, but ever. Are you happy about the baby?"

"Wow, Both barrels, right for the big question. Can you shut off the fan? I'm going to freeze to death."

Darren got up, shut off the fan and grabbed a throw from the chair placing it across both of their laps. She moved enough to let him sit, but stayed close enough that their knees touched when they turned to face each other. The light from the muted tv flickered in the room casting odd shadows on their faces making it difficult for him to read her reaction. She spoke with her hands, a habit saved for when she was instructing or explaining something she wanted to really express well.

"We never did really talk about it. I guess we didn't get that far. I, before you, I never really saw myself as the falling in love type. I never pictured myself making a home with someone. I guess I just thought I'd stay on the road until I retired and then I'd travel and see all the friends I've made around the world. I don't think I ever believed someone would want to be around me longer than a tour."

"Before me."

"Before you. Something about you changed all of that for me. I pictured us having a future together. I've never done that before. It's part of what scared me, scares me, about you. You make me see a future for myself I've never allowed myself to wish for."

"I have to ask, why doesn't that scare you with Chris?"

She hung her head, not really wanting to say out loud what she knew inside. "Chris never felt permanent. No matter how much I love him, no matter how much I believe he loves me, he's very…young in some ways, and an old soul in others, but being with him felt transient. I could see myself moving to LA, working on Glee, being his girlfriend for awhile, but I always knew he'd move on sooner or later."

"You thought he would, or wanted him to?"

"Thought. Knew. It wasn't ever a question of what I wanted. I told you, there's only one thing I've ever truly wanted and it scares me to death."

"You meant that, when you said it?"

"I still mean it. There are things you don't know about me, about things I've been through that make it so hard for me to trust and wanting you the way that I do, I can't even trust myself with the feelings I have around that. Now though, if Chris and I are having a baby together, I'm afraid of him feeling trapped with me. I don't want him to stay out of obligation."

"Do you want him to stay?"

She sighed. "That's not a fair question. Not from you."

"Okay, then how about we go back to my original question, are you happy about this baby?"

"How do I answer that? I'm shell shocked. How can I be happy about a baby when I don't know if I'm giving it cancer right now? I know what the doctor said; that the baby can't catch the cancer but how do they know for sure? Not just that but there are so many things that can go wrong with a healthy pregnancy and now we're talking about surgery and chemo and drugs and sickness. I don't care about putting my body through hell but it's not fair to this baby that it's fighting to grow in a house that's dying." She had begun to cry and Darren brushed tears away until he couldn't keep up, then he did pull her into his lap and stroked her hair and let get it out.

"Even if the baby manages to be born healthy what kind of mother is it getting? I've read the forums, too sick to get out of bed, too stiff to hold him, too numb in the hands to even snap a onsie. Do you know what the percentage is for life expectancy with stage 3? Fifty percent at ten years. FIFTY. My child has a fifty/fifty chance of having his mother die before he's ten. I don't even want him to know me if that's the case, it'd be better for him to have nothing to do with me. I'd rather he not have to go through having someone take care of him and be his comfort and then be ripped away from him. And you know what else? Say everything turns out fine, the baby is healthy, I make a full recovery and am able to be in his life in a full capacity, what the hell do I know about being a mother? I'm not like my sister, Darren. She had baby dolls as soon as she could carry one. She just always knew what to do. She's a nurturer; I don't know how to do any of that. I'm scared, you want to know how I feel about this baby, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't be there for him, I'm afraid I'll have to be there for him and won't know how."

Darren had been quiet, just letting her say all of the things she'd been holding in. When she seemed to have run out of fears to list he kissed her temple. "Except you already know how to nurture, you already care for everyone, it comes naturally to you. There are thousands of examples online of happy, healthy babies being born to women who went through this while they are pregnant. Maybe instead of the baby growing in a dying home as you put it, your body will fight that much harder against the cancer to protect your child. You have Chris, you have me. If you're tired, if your fingers are numb, we're here to help with those things. This baby has a father who loves it and a built in uncle who will always be there for him or HER either way. I hate that you can't enjoy this. I want you to be able to look ahead and really plan for a life with this new little one. I've read how much it matters to have a positive outlook and to plan to succeed."

"I'm afraid to enjoy it, I'm afraid if I embrace it and plan for it everything will go wrong and I'll fall apart for good."

"We can live in fear of what could happen, or we can live in hope for what may happen, either way the outcome will be the outcome but the journeys are very different. I also wanted to talk to you about us, and I know we sort of did that, and that you don't want to talk to me about Chris but I want you to just consider how this week has been. You're so much more relaxed when he's not here, you're more like yourself. I'm not saying this just to get you back, I just know that this week, it's felt right and I think you feel the same way. What you said before about it being easier if I hated you, that's true. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, being here with you, being," he raised his hands indicated her wrapped around him, "like this with you and not being able to kiss you, it's tearing me apart, but I don't care, I'd rather be shredded and with you in any way than away from you and letting you do this without me."

"I don't want to keep hurting you."

"When you told me you chose Chris I asked you to kiss me and tell me you didn't feel anything for me that you didn't want to kiss me because you weren't attracted to me." His fingers stroked the back of her neck, "Can you still say that? Would you kiss me now and still be able to say it didn't mean anything?"

The last few words were spoken with his lips only a breath away from hers. Her heart pounded and her head swam. The hormones had made her lusty for certain but it was more than that. It was the way his hair had started to grow back and curl wildly, that he hadn't shaved in days and was looking more like the boy from the balcony in Las Vegas and less than Blaine Warbler every day. It was the muscular arms that held her and the compassionate hazel eyes that she found so much comfort in. It was how he cooked for her, took care of her, did silly yoga poses with her. She brushed her lips chastely across his and pulled away. "I don't need to kiss you to know that you're right but as tempting as it is, alone here with you, it's wrong, and I'm still his."


	20. Chapter 20

In the morning Darren checked and rechecked the apartment to make sure they'd unplugged everything, packed all they would need and left behind anything they wouldn't need until the Boston show or later. He left his extra guitar in 'his' room but brought the movies they hadn't yet watched.

On the flight Issey started digging through her carry on looking for something to eat, something "sweet and light, not chocolate."

Darren reached into his duffle bag without looking and pulled out a zip lock bag of skittles. She took them and turned to look out the window without opening them.

"Hey? Not what you wanted? I have some other stuff too. Do you want minty? I've got some gum and some peppermints in case you got morning sickness, or I think I have some gummy bears, I have an orange if you'd rather have fruit…" he dug around for something that would do the trick.

She placed her hand on his forearm stopping the search. When he looked up there were tears in her eyes. "Red and purple. You separated out just the red and purple."

"You cried the other day because there were green in the way." He shrugged it off.

She laughed, "Oh my God this baby is turning me into a weeping machine. How many bags of Skittles did it take to do this?"

"I lost count. I had a pretty good system going until I started getting sick from eating all the other colors."

"Gross. What did you end up doing with them?"

Smiling he pulled bags of candy out of his duffle, each separated by color. "Sometimes you can be fickle; I wanted to be ready in case you suddenly needed another color."

She just looked at him for a long moment, when he leaned in this time she couldn't stop herself, she kissed him. Not a long kiss, or a deep kiss, but his mouth on hers was like a favorite pair of jeans, fit just right and felt like home.

He sat back and closed his eyes, "Please don't say anything right now. I don't want to hear you say that was wrong."

She quietly ate her candy and thought about how wrong it wasn't.

Meeting everyone at the tech rehearsal she barely had time for a quick hello kiss with Chris before being thrown back into work mode. Zach had 3 pages of notes he'd been holding for her return and they needed to sure up everything for a taping that would eventually be released as a DVD of the tour.

After getting through a page and a half of notes Zach checked to be sure they were alone and put his hand on her arm, "How are you?"

"It doesn't, I don't feel any different. The pregnancy makes me tired and nauseous but that's it. I'm anxious to get into the normal swing of things and not feel like a sick person. This week at home has been so strange, I don't even remember the last time I spent a week off, let alone with people in my apartment."

"I don't even know what I do with a whole week off; you must've been climbing the walls."

"Well, the beginning was hectic with doctor appointments and having the two boys there was like juggling chainsaws but then when it was down to just the waiting Darren did a good job of keeping us distracted."

"Look, I know this all very private stuff, but I want you to know you can talk to me, I feel like we've become pretty good friends and it can't be easy with the two of them. I'm a judgment free zone; I have no dog in this fight. If you want to talk about anything, them, the work, the sickness, any of it, it stays with us."

"I appreciate that, and I may take you up on it, but right now I don't know how I feel about most of it. It's too new. I just know I need to work out what's going on with Chris and I because things feel different there."

Zach looked down at his notes for a minute and then back at her. "If I knew something, would you want me to tell you or just leave it alone?"

"If it's about Chris and Adam I know. I sent him back here to figure out how he felt about all of it. I don't ever want to stand in the way of him being happy, and I don't want him staying with me out of obligation."

"Wow, that's gotta suck."

"He'll always be a part of my life, regardless of the baby, or the cancer or whether we're in a romantic relationship, I just want him to find what's best for him, if it isn't me then neither of us deserves that."

"Very mature. I'm not sure I could be that open to letting someone I was with experiment."

"Our entire relationship was an experiment, is, I suppose, it's not like we've ended it."

"I hear a not yet, you sound defeated already."

"Defeat is the wrong word, ready."

"Are you sure you aren't hoping he's moving on so you don't have to put him through what you're going to go through for the next few months?"

"He loves me, he's going to go through it with me whether he's sleeping in my bed or not, I have no doubt about that."

"And Darren?"

Her sigh was enough of an answer, or would have to be because Adam bounded over to see where they were with the set list changes.

Family dinner was mayhem with everyone wanting to talk to Issey about what was going on, how she felt, when she was due etc. Chris sat at her side trying to dissuade people from becoming too intrusive, especially since he himself hadn't had time to talk to her about most of this privately yet. When everyone finally got the message that perhaps there were things she'd rather keep off the table for now everyone splintered off leaving she and Chris on their own.

"So, hi." He began.

She smiled, "Hi. I missed you."

"I don't know what to say. I wish we'd gotten a chance to see each other alone before you got accosted by everyone."

"It's okay, it's not like there are any secrets around here anyway."

"Not anymore. I know we need to talk more about this when we're alone but I have to tell you something now before you hear it somewhere else."

She pushed the food around on her plate. "Go on."

"Last night I was upset about what happened with you, about your results and Adam happened to be around and was comforting me, I think people saw us together and"

"Stop. Zach saw you, he tried to tell me today, he didn't know if I'd want him to and when he started I told him I knew that we have no secrets. I didn't let him tell me what exactly he saw."

"I want to tell you."

"And you will, tonight, when we're really alone. Not now. I just want to get through the show."

"Please don't be upset."

"I'm not. Honestly. I just want to focus on work for right now, I've been away and we talked a long time ago about how we couldn't let our relationship distract us from what we needed to do."

"Fair enough.

The show lacked energy; it was clear everyone had been working their asses off and maybe not getting the rest they needed. It wasn't that they didn't try, it just felt stale, Issey agreed with Zach that a revamp was necessary to get everyone excited again. While the guys did meet and greet she sat with Zach and told him they needed more changes than originally anticipated, not just song order but changing choreography, song choices in a few cases couldn't hurt either. He agreed to run it by Ryan and let her know what he had to say in the morning. There was no use putting much more effort into things until Ryan gave his stamp of approval. Meet and greet was running longer than usual and the crowds waiting for the limos to leave were massive so Zack and Issey decided to skip out for the hotel while the others stayed behind. Issey found Darren on her way out and hugged him goodnight, shaking her head as she touched his shaved face. "Welcome back Blaine."

He made a goofy face, "I know you hate it."

"It's growing on me, but I still like Darren better."

"Good thing, him you're stuck with."

Zach cleared his throat a little and Issey gave Darren a scrunchy nosed smile before moving on to let Chris know she was heading out. He was surrounded by young girls giggling and crying as usual, rather than break in on this she waved until he noticed her and then mouthed that she'd see him at the hotel. He gave her thumbs up and went back to his audience.

Issey was asleep when Chris came in about 45 minutes later. He did his best to undress quietly, casting one longing look at his laptop before slipping into the bed beside her. She reached for him the moment he was under the covers.

"Faker." He accused as he kissed her.

"Uh-uh, you woke me when you sat on the bed. I'm not used to someone climbing in when I'm sleeping anymore."

"Good to know. You want to go back to sleep?"

"Nope." She played her fingers down his chest and over his hip, "Not sleep."

"Do you want to talk first?"

"You breaking up with me?"

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Talk later." It could have been the hormones from the pregnancy, or it could have been being away from him for days. She didn't want to entertain the possibility that it was all the closeness with Darren, but something was making her insatiable.

He was more careful than usual, taking things slowly and touching her softly. Normally so aggressive, this time he was almost timid but it was what she needed and when they had finished they fell asleep tangled together, staying as close as possible to each other's bodies.

They woke with a start sometime after 3 when something slammed into the wall behind them. The banging was followed by a crash and then muffled yelling to calm down. Issey got up and pulled on a robe, she didn't know who's room it was, but knew it was one of theirs.

"Leave them. It's probably Chord and Diana, they've been growling at each other for days." Chris stayed in bed, snuggled deep under the comforter.

Another wall punch, for clearly now that's what it was, and Issey shook her head, "If it is them Chord's out of control, Diana couldn't hit that hard. I'm going over there."

Chris tugged on sweats following her out the door. She banged on the door and they could hear someone saying, "See? That's probably the hotel, you're gonna get us thrown out." Chord pulled the door open in time for them to hear Darren ranting, "I don't give a fuck if we get thrown out, I'll fucking go now if they want me to I'm fucking sick of this…" he stopped dead when he saw Issey and Chris in the room. He was clearly drunk, the room was destroyed, and there was glass on the floor from where he'd thrown the lamp at the mirror and two dents in the wall where he'd punched.

Darren ran past Issey and lunged for Chris who sidestepped him easily sending him crashing to the floor. "Okay boys, can I have a minute alone with him please?"

Chord started to protest that Darren was a little violent but Chris took him by the elbow and nodded that they should leave the two on their own. Darren remained on the floor until Issey sat on the bed and patted it.

"I'm sorry I made a mess."

"I don't care about that. What the hell is going on with you?"

He ran his fingers through his hair and she saw his knuckles were bleeding. "Stay here." She went to the hall and called Chris who was further down the hall with Chord and Zach who had heard the commotion. "Can you call room service and have them bring some ice up to our room then bring it over? He hurt his hand and I don't want room service seeing this room until we've given them a heads up."

Chris agreed but before she went back inside he touched her hip, "You okay?"

She nodded, "I don't know what brought this on yet but I'll talk to him."

"Chord told him he saw Adam and I kissing."

"Why the hell would he do that?"

"I don't know but it set him off."

"Makes sense why he came at you now. He's just drunk. Don't worry."

Chris just sighed and went to call for the ice.

Issey went back and sat on the bed, "Talk to me."

He shook his head, "I'm just, tired. You don't need to hear any of this, you have enough going on. I'm fine."

He laid back and she patted his thigh, "You deserve some rest, you've been taking care of me all week, and if you needed to get drunk to blow off some steam that's fine too, but the aggression is more than being tired, if this is about Adam and Chris I already know."

"You KNOW?" He sat up now. "You know and you're still over there with him? He cheated on you and you're okay with that but what I did was so wrong I'm out of your life forever?"

"He didn't cheat. I sent him back here to work out what he felt about Adam, and you're hardly out of my life, now or ever."

"Does he know about the plane?"

"Not yet. I'll tell him, but we haven't had a chance to really talk."

"I'll bet. I just don't get it. I keep waiting for things to be fair and they just keep getting less fair. It's not fair that I lose you to him, it's not fair that I lose you to cancer, it's not fair that he be the father of your baby, and it's not fair that he's making love to you while he works out his deal with some guy and I hold your hair and sort your fucking skittles and hold you while you cry while he's off screwing someone else."

"You're right. It isn't fair. I'm sorry. I won't ask you to do those things anymore, I won't ask you to be there for me, it's not right."

"Damn it that's not what I mean. I just don't understand how you stay with him when you belong with me. You said it yourself, your life expectancy sucks," he was crying as he yelled now, "it sucks and you're wasting precious time with him and he wants someone else. Maybe you don't love me like you do him but at least I'm not chasing someone else. Know what? Never mind, I didn't want to say any of this to you, I love you okay, I'll do anything for you and if that means waiting forever then I'll wait forever but watching you die is the hardest thing I'll ever do and I'm not ready for that. I can watch you with him, I can even if I know he doesn't deserve you but watching you get sick, that's not fair."

He was circling, his thoughts tripping over one another. He didn't bother wiping away the tears that were covering his cheeks and leaving wet splatter patterns on his jeans. There was a knock at the door, Issey went and was going to take the ice from Chris but he came in. He went to Darren and wrapped his hand in a towel placing ice between the layers.

"Stop it, I don't want your help."

"Darren sit still, you're drunk and you're pissed off but your hands going to hurt like a mutherfucker in the morning so let me do this."

"You think you're so great because you can have whatever you want, whoever you want. Fuck you!"

Issey rubbed his back, "Darren stop, please. Look, I'm going to stay with you until you fall asleep okay?"

"He gonna let you do that?"

"Just lie down, I'll be back in a few minutes."

She followed Chris back to their room. "Let Chord sleep in here tonight?"

"What happened while you were home without me?"

"I kissed him. On the plane on the way here, it wasn't much but it happened and he's having trouble with dealing with me picking you when you and Adam are…whatever you're doing and he's been stuffing down everything he feels about my sickness and the fact that I told him that I just know this baby is yours. It's all crashing down on him now and he needs me. I needed him this week and he did everything he could for me while staying a respectful distance, I owe him the same.

"You don't want to keep your distance though do you?"

"Not really."

"I didn't sleep with Adam."

"Ok."

"We kissed, he comforted me when I got upset about your results like I told you."

"And you liked it?"

"Yeah. I liked it."

"Try not to sound so guilty and sad. I still want to be your best friend, I want to be excited for you and your new experiences."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"Let's talk about it tomorrow, we'll figure it out together."


	21. Chapter 21

Darren was trying to brush his teeth with the wrong hand when she came in.

"Don't tell me you're already puking." Issey stood in the doorway of the bathroom.

"No, just trying to not be a pig before bed. You don't have to stay." He was swaying a little.

"Too bad, you're stuck with me."

"Where's Chord gonna sleep?" only it came out sheep, he was still slurring.

"With Chris. C'mon, I'm tired."

"So go to bed." He was surly.

She sighed and walked away. He shut off the light as he entered the room and stopped when he saw her in his bed. It took him a moment of blinking before he was certain what was happening. Issey watched as he pulled the coverlet down on Chord's bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to bed."

"Over there?"

He turned his back to her, "Where else?"

"In your bed? I thought that was obvious." She lay on her back staring up at the ceiling; this was not what she'd envisioned. She hadn't planned on his mood turning on her; she thought she'd be a calming influence.

"It's OBVIOUS that I should get into bed with you? Jesus Christ it's like you're trying to piss me off, or kill me. Is that it? Are you just trying to see how far you can push me before I say fuck it and throw you out of my life? You might break me down, you might drive me crazy but you won't push me away. I'll sleep over here, I'll lie here and listen to your God Damn breathing all night knowing I have to watch you wake up, watch the sunlight kiss your hair and see you stretch and smile over at me with that sleepy grin of yours and then watch you go back to your boyfriend, I'll do all of that but don't expect me to climb into bed with you and then watch you go back to him in the morning."

He was shaking; she could see the tension in his muscles as if he was dying to throw another punch. Before he could react she was behind him, stroking his back like a mother would a child waking from a nightmare. "Go ahead. Get angry at me, I get it. Get mad at the cancer, get mad at Chris, curse at me, say what you need to say."

He rolled onto his back, looking up at her, his face fixed with rage. "STOP! Stop treating me like some lunatic who needs to be talked down until the meds kick in. I've told you I love you, I've told you I'll take whatever you can throw but for fuck's sake stop pretending everything is going to be okay once I've blown off steam. Nothing is changing. Just go back to bed, or go back to Chris, or whatever. Just. Go."

"I'm staying."

Darren got out of the bed, pulling back on the jeans he'd thrown across a chair. "He couldn't resist touching you on his way out of here. He acted like he came over here to help but he just wanted to get that little dig in there, don't think I didn't notice, his hands on you like he owns you, like he has to PROTECT you from me. Fucking joke I spend all of my time trying to keep you together while he's running around working on his fucking projects and screwing whatever new boy comes along and HE'S going to protect you from ME? I'll kill him, I can snap his fucking neck if I feel like it."

He wasn't really talking to Issey now, just ranting as he pulled on clothes. He started for the door and she shot out of bed. "What are you doing? You can't go out now."

"I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. You chose him, not me, I didn't choose to have him around and I'm not putting up with any more of his passive aggressive bullshit!"

"NO! Don't do this, come back here. Let me talk to you, just for a few minutes and then if you still want to go over there then I can't stop you. Just please Darren, please, just for a minute?"

She was pleading, actually afraid and it worked. He looked as if he was coming out of a trance, seeing how he'd scared her, but he wasn't ready to completely let the anger go. "Worried I'll bruise his perfect little face?"

"Yes. A little. I'm more worried you'll do something that can't be fixed and fuck up your career. Come, sit with me a minute. Please."

He did, reluctantly and she took his hand and placed it on her chest where her heart beat wildly. "This is not okay. I can handle the yelling and the wall punching and the throwing things but you can't threaten anyone with physical violence okay? Not anyone. I don't care that it's Chris, I don't care who it is, you're terrifying me. If you care at all about me or the baby you won't do this."

He looked ashamed, her heart wasn't slowing and it scared him. "Take some deep breaths, I promise I won't leave this room. Just please calm down."

"Chris and I need to have a long talk. I sent him here to figure out what he wanted from Adam, I need him to be sure, but I needed the time away from him too. Our relationship is…I don't know what it is right now to be honest, but I didn't want to talk to you about it before we worked it out ourselves, that didn't seem fair to anyone. I just told him about our kiss and he didn't seem concerned, he was more concerned that you be okay. I don't think he and I are going to stay together and I knew that when I sent him home, but I also know that the next few months of my life I'm going to face an awful lot of change. My life has already changed so much in the past few months, things I never saw coming and I feel like I've been in a hurricane. I need to just walk through the aftermath alone, assess the damage and pick up the pieces before I settle back into my life. If I have a life to settle into."

"Don't say things like that. We've been too casual about talking about your life expectancy. We can't be so defeatist about that."

"It's just facing the facts. I'm not saying I won't fight, I finally have something worth fighting for, but I don't want to pretend it isn't a reality."

"I understand you needed time to yourself, but am I a part of that life you want to settle into?"

"I can't imagine you not being a part of it, but I feel like I'm always asking you to wait for me. I'm not asking that now. I'm asking you to be a friend, to stay close but if it's too difficult then I'll accept that. Do you want me to leave?"

"Never."

"You can have your own bed back."

"I miss sleeping with you."

"Then sleep with me."

He stripped again and they spooned under the sheets. "I'm sorry I lost it."

"I'm not. It was good for you. I'm sorry you hurt your hand, and Ryan is likely to kill you for the broken mirror and the walls, but we'll deal with him."

"What about your bus?" he pushed his nose into her hair, his breath tickling her neck.

"What did you do to my bus?"

"No, if you and Chris break up, is he going to stay on the bus with you?"

"I don't know, we'll have to talk it out. I really did make that office for him and he needs the quiet space to get his writing done. We could still share a bed for the short time the tour will be here; I don't think it will be an issue. I still love him; I just don't know that we work as a couple."

"I'd rather hear that you love me more."

"You know I can't say that."

"Yet."

"I love you different."

"As long as you love me."

"Stupid boy."

"Stupid boy you love."

"Stupid boy I love."

He kissed her neck. "If he doesn't want to stay on the bus, for whatever reason, I think you should have someone come on with you. I don't mind if it isn't me, but someone, just to help you when you're sick."

"It can't be you. Not yet. Do you understand that?"

"No, but I'll live with it. Who then?"

"Zach maybe. That makes the most sense."

"You're going to share a bed with Zach?"

"No, I don't think Fred will mind letting Zach crash in his room and then we'd be able to get all kinds of work done."

"Don't let him fall in love with you."

Issey missed that bit, she was sleeping already. When she opened her eyes again it was early morning. She grabbed her phone to check the time and had a text from Chris.

Chris: gone to the gym, let me know if everything is ok

She responded, moving as little as possible so as not to wake Darren who snored loudly beside her.

Issey: everything ok, long night tho. Breakfast ALONE later?

Chris: : )

She realized he probably took that as an invitation to sex but figured she'd deal with that when the time came. It really would be a shame to lose that part of their relationship, she was revved up most of the time now and that was something that always worked for them. She closed her eyes and pictured his body as he worked out, imagined his mouth on her skin but then shook herself, this had to stop. Maybe she wouldn't be able to share a bed with him if they went back to being just friends.

She set the phone back down and turned to her right side to face Darren. He was out cold, on his back, his left knee bent up under the covers. They had trimmed his hair before last nights show but not as close as they did the first time so stray curls remained, soft and shining in the sunlight. He had shaved for the concert of course but the stubble was there, making a mask from his ears to his jaw, but his softly freckled cheeks with his long lashes casting shadows over them were where her eyes settled. She wanted to kiss them, to brush her thumb across them to wipe away the ghosts of the tears she'd seen there last night and tell him it WAS going to change, it was all going to be alright. She'd love him until the day she died, no matter when that was, because he was right when he'd written that they'd always been together and would always belong to each other.

She let her hand fall instead over her own belly, knowing it was a dangerous path to allow her mind to wander she pictured the baby as theirs, his large, round eyes, his curls, his easy, open laugh. She could see him walking her into her first day of school, holding her hand a little too long when she tried to run off and play with her peers, then smiling proudly as she turned to wave goodbye and blow him a kiss. The tears started then, as she remembered that it could well be him taking their daughter to school, but the odds were strong that she'd be the missing piece of that particular picture.

He stirred and stretched before opening his eyes and started a little to find her next to him. "I thought I dreamed you there last night."

"Nope."

"Are you crying?"

"Pretty much always now."

"Room service doesn't have apple juice?"

"What?"

"It's usually a food dilemma. He smiled good naturedly and pulled her close to him."

"Not this time. Doesn't matter, just thinking about the future."

"OUR future?"

"Yes, actually. Can I ask you something?"

"Duh."

"If the baby is Chris's."

"It's too early for this."

"Please. Listen. IF the baby is Chris's and I don't…I'm not around, will you promise to stay in her life?"

"She's yours. How could I not?" He kissed her jawline where a stubborn tear clung, refusing to drop.


	22. Chapter 22

Breakfast never happened, at least, not with Chris and Issey together. After speaking with Ryan , Zach texted Is to meet him in his room, they had work to do.

"So Ryan's answer was, we can change these three songs if we want to but the rest he wants to stay the same. We can add 3 additional group songs and another song for Lea for the DVD taping but he shut down the idea of addition songs for Naya or Amber. Oh, and we have to fit in Paltrow doing Forget You complete with new choreography. Yeah, tossed that at me as he was hanging up."

"Is that all? No dancing unicorns or anything?"

"Well, I guess he wanted Matt and Jane to come out for the show but Matt has performances that night and we're still waiting on Jane. She may just tape another piece like the bit at the front of the show."

"I think he enjoys waiting until the last minute to do things."

"He does, that way the surprises don't get spoiled. Just wait until we start taping the regular shows."

"I'm starting to worry about that. I'm not sure I can handle that with everything else I have going on."

"He mentioned that today too, said to tell you not to even think about backing out on him."

"Wow, really? That's harsh."

"No, he was saying he wanted you with us, he'd do whatever you needed to keep you comfortable. He isn't a complete monster."

She just gave him a doubtful look and they both laughed before sitting down to figure out what changes would be the easiest to implement with the most impact. Issey didn't really want to give Lea another solo, she felt that she was already strongly represented with the songs she had. Zach agreed because while Lea's voice had great impact her visual performance was somewhat staid. If she were to get another solo he'd have to choreograph something for the dancers who were already pretty stretched. Group numbers were the better solution, giving everyone a chance to get on stage, interact, fill the space; movement could be simple and still dynamic.

"It would be nice to do something that would highlight the couples on the show while remaining a group thing." Zach pointed out.

"I think it would be fun to play with the non- cannon couples, the fandom couples."

Zach liked that idea too so they began playing with songs and choreography that would give the audience a glimpse of pairings they'd come to love with a playful wink, not really disrupting the cannon of the show.

It was a long afternoon for Issey, needing to touch base with almost each of the cast to do warm ups, scales, taking them back to basics again. Amber was fighting a sore throat so she was excused with a list of to do/not to do suggestions. Naya was starting to slip into a nasal sound that did not suit her voice at all, something many singers do mid tour when the body starts to crave rest and stability. Issey asked her to go through Valerie standing as tall as possible with her nostrils flared. Naya laughed but was surprised to find it did the trick.

She skipped family dinner to nap, sending Chris a text that she was exhausted and needed some quiet time. After the show they would be hopping back onto buses and she figured there would be plenty of time to talk then.

As usual she got to the bus before Chris, Darren had somehow apparently stocked the fridge with all the healthy food and snacks she'd grown accustomed to over the past week. Issey quickly texted him to say thank you before heading upstairs.

She stripped off her dark work clothes and pulled on more comfortable pj's noting Chris had made their bed meticulously and there were fresh flowers on her nightstand. These had to be from him as Fred knew not to come upstairs with any deliveries.

In their living area Issey settled on the soft cuddling sofa with her laptop to research songs from the previous seasons she might incorporate into the show. Blindly reaching for the remote her fingers instead found a lighter. It was expensive, and engraved with the letters AD in script.

Chris climbed the stairs nearly an hour later, finding her with her headphones on and the computer in her lap. He strode over and dropped a kiss on her head, miming that he was going to take a shower. She didn't nod, made no move at all to acknowledge him but he was preoccupied and took no notice.

Freshly scrubbed skin glowing, wet hair spiked in a million directions from the carefree scrubbing with a towel he returned and nudged her to move over so he could share the space. "Are you at a good stopping point?"

She removed the earphones and set her computer aside. "Yeah. Now's fine."

He leaned in to kiss her but she backed away.

"Uh-oh. This isn't going to go well is it?" He sat back, preparing himself for the worst.

"Can you think of any reason I might not want to kiss you right now?" she was angry, but trying to maintain enough of a calm demeanor to not let this deteriorate into a scream match.

"Does it have to do with Darren?" his go to response.

"It does not."

"Then I have no clue." He reconsidered and softened, leaning in to rub her back, "Did you puke?"

"No." She opened her hand and set the lighter on the table.

Chris looked at it, not comprehending.

"I found this, right here. On our coffee table. On our bus. In our private area." She didn't look at him, just joined him in staring at the offensive object.

"It's a lighter."

"Yes, thank you. I had ascertained that all on my own. I would draw your attention to the engraving on the lighter but unless you had more than one person up here…"

"I know who it belongs to." He reached for her hand. "You TOLD me to come and work out how I felt, Issey, I told you we had kissed; I told you I'd spent time with him."

"You didn't tell me it was here. Maybe it's stupid but this space means something to me. It's a place I can step away from everyone else, the one place I don't have to share with anyone but you, because I wanted it to be OUR sacred space. I guess you didn't feel the same, but I wish you'd respected the fact that even when I'm not here I don't want other people, and especially not someone who is coming between us, here. I would NEVER have allowed Darren up those stairs under any circumstance, not while you are I are still together."

"Is I'm sorry, I didn't really invite him up, I had him downstairs, we were playing video games and I came up to change, I didn't realize he'd followed me until it was too late."

"Did you let him smoke on our bus? I don't even know why I care. You wouldn't even KISS me when I had smoked the night before but I guess he has different rules." She was losing her grip, starting to crave the fight she'd wanted to avoid.

"No! No, that's what I don't understand about the lighter. I was in the bedroom; I didn't even see him come in here. He came into the room while I was half naked and I tried to shoo him back downstairs."

"Tried. Does that mean you failed? Was he in our bed?" she was yelling now, up and pacing. They had pulled out of the parking lot some time ago and it was clear the bus was making its way onto the highway via a very curved onramp. She had to hold onto the furniture to steady herself.

"We didn't, you're making it sound like something it wasn't. He made a pass, I tried to brush him off and keep him moving downstairs, he wasn't easy to convince but we didn't hang out up here. I don't let him smoke around me, if that matters to you. I WANTED to talk to you about all of this sooner. I don't know how or why his lighter is here, but I wasn't hiding anything." He put his head in his hands, he didn't know how this spiraled so quickly, it was after all, her idea for him to spend time with Adam.

"Okay. It's my fault for not talking to you last night, is that what you're saying? My fault because I wanted to make love instead of hearing about your boyfriend?"

"You're hiding from the real conversation here. You used sex to hide from it last night, then Darren and then work. I love you Issey but you don't get a pass on not letting me talk to you then being mad because there are things you don't know."

She knew he was right but that only fueled her anger. "Will we ever have a conversation about us that doesn't involve you throwing Darren in my face? Darren was only involved last night because he thought you were cheating on me."

"And of course that was his business. Not that I buy for a minute that last night was completely about Adam and I. He was upset because he had to go back to sharing you with me. He wasn't exactly quiet you know, I could hear nearly everything he said through the wall."

Her phone buzzed on the table next to the lighter and Darren's name lit up on the screen.

"Go ahead. Talk to him." Chris threw it to her.

She answered the phone, "Not now okay?"

"You alright?"

"Don't know." And she hung up and addressed Chris, "Happy?"

"Yes Isabelle, I'm thrilled, this entire situation is exactly what I was hoping for. I've never been happier in my life." He began down the stairs.

"I'm not having this conversation down there where Fred can hear us."

"I'm not having this conversation at all until you're ready to talk like adults. I'll be in my office if you decide you're ready to have the discussion we really need."

"Come back." She sounded resigned and plopped back into the cuddling sofa. "Can we blame that outburst on the pregnancy?"

"This time." He smiled.

"So I'm ready, tell me, are you in love?"

"In love is strong. I'm not sure I trust him, especially after this." He pointed at the lighter. "The only reason for him to leave this here would be for you to find it. I'm also not sure he wasn't the one that tipped the press off to our situation."

"Not making it easier to not hate him."

"I'm not trying to sell him to you; I'm just trying to tell you what's happened while we were apart."

"Fair enough. Go on."

"I didn't tell him I had your blessing to see where things went with him; I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on the situation. I just wanted to see where it went without you around. The first time we hung out together he asked a lot of questions about us, how we got together, whether I had ever dated anyone else, dated guys, that kind of thing. I was honest with him without too much detail. He got progressively more flirtatious and touchy." At this point Chris stopped to check in with her, she seemed fine so he continued.

"I got kind of a predatory vibe from him but at the same time, I don't know Is, it was nice, to be wanted, and I'm not saying you don't make me feel that way, I'm just saying before you, I wasn't exactly, you know, so to have someone like him, good looking, sure of himself, making that strong of a play for me was flattering."

"I know you said you didn't sleep with him but the kiss when he was consoling you, the one the others saw, it wasn't the only one?"

"No. I'm sorry, I thought that was what you wanted, for me to.."

She cut him off, "Don't apologize, it IS what I wanted, and really, it isn't my business how many times, or what exactly happened as long as you didn't sleep with him, then I think I'd have a right to know."

"You said you wanted to be my best friend. I'd really like to talk this out with you, how it felt, what I'm feeling, but not if it hurts you."

"I do, it, well, I can't say it doesn't because that's a lie, but I still want to know. It doesn't hurt like you betrayed me, just that I still love you, still want you to be mine."

"Do you? Honestly? I felt last night like you were getting ready to let me go." It wasn't accusatory, just statement of fact.

"It's complicated. Finish talking about Adam and then we'll get to me."

"Also complicated. I don't think I like him as much as the idea of him. I liked the way it felt, being so close to him and as much as I want to be there for you, it was nice to feel taken care of, I'm not saying this right because of course I feel like you do that too."

"It's nice to have a masculine energy there for you?"

"Yeah. I guess that's what I'm trying to say."

"And a hard body to go with it?"

"Not gonna lie, didn't hate that. It made me realize that while he might not be THE guy I might be ready for a guy."

"It's kinda sexy to think about, but then lately I get turned on when the phone rings so I might not be the best judge. To that point, I didn't use sex to avoid talking to you last night; I used sex because I've been so completely turned on lately I can't stand myself."

Chris smirked. "Good to know I wasn't completely replaced while you were home."

"You weren't. Guess we're talking about me now huh?"

Chris nodded for her to go on.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking and I just don't think we're happy together. We laughed all the time when we were just friends and since we took things to another level we fight and we sidestep around things and I don't want to let it go long enough that we ruin our friendship. I love you; I don't want to jeopardize our entire relationship just for sex."

"Good sex."

"Great sex. Even still. I want you to be free to meet all your Mr. Wrongs and your Mr. Right, but this isn't just letting you go to be selfless, I think I need to be on my own for awhile too. I need to sort my heart out, I need to steel myself for a battle with cancer and prepare myself to be a mother. I'm an expert juggler with my own life but I think our relationship puts a few too many balls in the air."

"Separating yourself from the people you love is the wrong thing to do when you're preparing for battle. You need us around you now more than ever, and please don't forget this baby isn't just yours. You won't be alone in that either."

"I'm not saying I want to become a recluse, just that I need a break from being someone's girlfriend. I still need you, I'm still going to lean on you and this baby, whether it's yours or not, I hope you will be in its life. I'll need support, I'll need someone to take care of us sometimes, but also know I need to stand on my own and find my center. Having Darren fuss over me this week has been both a blessing and a curse. He's taken over everything for me, my diet, exercise, keeping my mind occupied, making sure I sleep when I need to, getting me to doctor's appointments and even taking care of things around the house. I'm grateful for every bit of it but at the same time I feel a million times better being here, working, and taking charge. I don't want to feel like an invalid. I want to stretch my own power as long as I still can. That's part of the reason I went to him last night, it felt so good to finally be the one taking care of him after all he's done for me. I wanted to feel needed."

"I still need you too."

"And I'm here for you. Always, but you don't need me as your girlfriend, do you?"

He agreed and offered to move off the bus at the next hotel. She hated to see him go and let him know he was welcome to ride with her whenever he wanted his office space back, or just a break from the crowd. He, like Darren had concerns about her riding alone and suggested having one of the girls join her but she told him she'd prefer Zach come onboard and stay in Fred's room, with Fred's blessing. Chris laughingly agreed it was a great idea but that Zach had better not take down any of the photos in his office.

When it was settled it felt as if the air in the bus had changed, as if both had been holding their breath for a long time and could finally relax and just enjoy their time together. They played Scrabble (he won) until bedtime and when Chris offered to sleep on the sofa she didn't stop him.

In bed she texted Darren so he wouldn't worry.

Issey: We broke up, all is good. Sleep well.

He responded immediately.

Darren: Whatever you need. Whenever you need. Always.


	23. Chapter 23

A week flew by. Zach moved onto the bus which turned out to be a great idea considering all the work they needed to get ready for the big taping. Darren was attentive while trying to give her the space she needed. It was clear he trusted Zach to watch over her and not exhaust herself. The confidence was well placed. Zach became adept at reading Issey's signs and subtly suggesting she sit a few hours out when she started to droop. He'd use the excuse that the dancing needed more work than the vocals but she knew it was just his way of stopping her from burning out.

Chris waded into a pool of writing, rehearsing and meetings, Issey rarely saw him except when she called him in for a vocal lesson. His breathing had improved but somewhere along the way the H sounds at the start of vowel heavy words had resumed. It took only a short session to set him back on the right track and even then it was clear his mind was on other work. During that time he did share however, that he confronted Adam about the lighter and while he denied planting it there to get Issey angry he acted cagey enough while doing it that Chris let him know their relationship would be strictly professional from that point on.

The day of the taping was mayhem beginning to end. It seemed the entire arena was covered in gaffers tape making it impossible to move without stumbling. They were shooting in 3-d so the cameras were absolutely everywhere making the secondary staging even more of a nuisance than usual. Preshow interviews took over the makeup and hair room which had everybody on worst behavior, fighting for camera time and to one up each other with silliness. For her part Issey was proud to have not thrown up a single time and for staying awake through several retakes of most songs. The audience was fantastic and the performers had renewed energy brought on by both the cameras and the changes. It appeared the chaos of getting an extraordinary DVD was exactly what everyone needed to get their A game on.

The night after the taping Darren asked if he could ride on Issey's bus so he could play her some stuff he'd been working on. She agreed and so it came that they were knee to knee in the small bus studio, Darren singing along with a guitar track he'd saved on his laptop. It was something he'd been working on for a while and Issey loved it but had suggestions to tweak it in places. They worked together on a slower chorus for the song which was primarily upbeat. It was always magic when they sang together and this time was no exception. The heat between them was palpable and it seemed that their bodies were putting everything they weren't saying or doing together into the song. At first Issey avoided eye contact, too overwhelmed by his proximity but when they hit their stride, harmonizing naturally and following each other's tempo perfectly she dared a glance and found it impossible to look away.

When the song ended she slid her chair back a little, not that there was much room to move. "The song is great; I love what you did with it." She played with the mixer a little to busy her hands.

"It's better with you. Let's hear it back." He made a move for the mixer as well and their fingers touched, he left his hand on hers.

"I'm going to get a drink while you set it up, you want something?"

"Issey."

"Darren, don't. Not yet, I can't."

"I just wanted to tell you I didn't ask you to work on this with me so I could get you back, I value your partnership. I can't help that my heart beats faster when you're close to me."

She actually trembled fighting the urge to kiss him. "Mine too. I'm glad we still get to one another, even if it's torture at the moment."

She stood to go get her drink but had to slide by him to get out the door which meant completely pressing her standing body to his sitting one. He stood to let her by, his breathing quickened, hers matched it. They stayed still for a moment, just feeling the closeness, "It's never torture when you look at me the way you did today. As long as I have hope I can continue. I wish I'd never told you I could be happy without you, it wasn't true." He kissed his finger and softly traced her lips with it.

"It's more than hope; it's just a matter of time. I feel like since I've met you, and Chris too, I've had a safety net I've never had before, so I'm taking risks I never would have. I have some big stuff ahead of me, and I know I don't have to face it alone but in the end it is my battle and no one else's. I need to sure myself up, get my own balance before I can fall again. I don't know what I'm waiting for specifically but trust me when I tell you, the second I know, you'll know."

He whispered, "I trust you, and I'm sorry I ever broke your trust. I hope you know that I will never, ever do that again. I couldn't stand to lose you a second time."

"I know. I see it every time you look at me."

She got her drink; they listened to the song back and started to plan layers of instruments in their heads. Darren slept on the downstairs couch, not making any attempt to follow her upstairs. She was both relieved and saddened by his choice.

After sound check the next day Issey sat on the edge of the stage and watched as Darren dropped in the pit playing the drums. He was showing her the way he thought the song they'd worked on the night before could be driven with a pulsing beat but all she could do was marvel at his ease with yet another instrument, yet more musical theory.

She was surprised when Chris sat down beside her and kicked her foot. "Heard he stayed on your bus last night."

"Weird."

"Hm?"

"Hearing you call it my bus instead of ours."

"Oh." He made an 'oh well' face and continued, "Soooo friend, details."

"He slept on the sofa downstairs. We worked on this song."

"Is, what are you waiting for with him? You're watching him like he's the last slice of cake at fat camp. Just lick his frosting already."

She wrinkled her nose and bumped her shoulder against his, "Ew Christopher."

"Yeah, you can't really play the 'ew' card with me, I know what you like."

"Oh, right. Well if you really want to know I'm so horny from this pregnancy I'm ready to pass out just watching him bang those drums. Maybe you and I could just go back for fucking for a little while?"

"Tempting, but I don't know why you aren't banging his drums."

"Stop with the metaphors." She was silent a few minutes and then turned to him. "You ever read my at replies on twitter? Read tumblr?"

"No, why?"

"People seriously hate me. Since this whole thing became public about the three of us, the baby and the cancer it's been non-stop. People calling me a whore, a slut, telling me to kill myself, saying I'm every disgusting thing in the book. The thing that stuck with me the most though was one tumblr post." She pulled out her phone and opened a copy of the post.

I HEARD FROM A VERY GOOD SOURCE THAT SHE BROKE DARRENS HEART AND CHEATED ON HIM WITH CHRIS. CANCER IS HER PUNISHMENT. CHRIS CAN HAVE ANY GUY HE WANTS, DARREN CAN HAVE ANY WOMAN, DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY'LL WANT HER WHEN HER BOOBS AND HAIR ARE GONE AND SHE'S FAT? HELL NO. THEY'LL MOVE ON AND THE LITTLE WHORE WILL BE LOOKING FOR SOME NEW STARS TO FUCK.

Chris handed her back her phone and pulled her in for a hug. "Issey you know how people can be. I can't believe you're letting this stupidity get to you."

"It just got me thinking, Darren really can have anyone, is it fair for him to be tied to someone who's going to be all scar tissue with chunks of hair falling out of her head? He's just getting everything he's worked for, how can I say I love him and then let him get stuck with that? It's one thing now, we're on tour, he has nowhere else to go, to be, but when this tours over he's going to be the belle of a thousand balls and hit on by every girl in every room. Do I really want to ask him to sit by my bedside and watch me be sick and weak and pregnant? Can I be that selfish?"

"Can you be so selfish as to not let him be the man you know he is? I've had my problems with him but he could have walked away a million times now. He knows what it means to be with you, he's still patiently waiting for you to decide to choose him."

"He has no idea what his life is about to become. He may think he's seen it, but he has no idea. He's something special and his fame is going to explode."

Chris watched Darren for a few minutes, "Yeah."

Darren, beaming and soaked with sweat jumped onto the ramp and plopped himself on Issey's other side. "So? Did you get what I was trying to do there?"

"I got it. You're right, but I still say let the drums drive the verse and the bass guide the chorus."

"You're crazy, the bass will crush the chorus the way we changed it. Maybe you need to hear it with the guitar, we'll try it with the track, let me grab my laptop and I'll play it together."

Chris stood, palming down the legs of his pants to stick straight as he did. He shot a 'I'm gonna get in trouble for this' look in Darren's direction before telling Issey, "Show him what you showed me. The best thing about you and I, Issey is that we tell each other whole truths, you owe him that much." And he walked away.

Darren's mood deflated quickly. Issey could only imagine what he thought Chris might be talking about so rather than let him worry she pressed her phone on and handed it to him.

"Things like that make me sick, but you know, some people just take pleasure in spewing venom, they don't ever think about the real people on the other end of it. Why is this even on your phone?"

"I just, came across it and I don't know, I mean, there's tons of awful things out there about me, and I can take most of it for what it is, it's not like I'm new to all of this, and don't get me wrong, I don't think this person is right, it just sort of got me thinking about stuff."

"What does Chris want you to tell me that you aren't?"

"He's a pain in the ass."

"I'm not arguing, but he loves you, so spill."

"I'm not hiding anything from you, it's more like, saying this makes it worse, there's only one reaction you could possibly have and I know you will have and while I know it will be honest it doesn't change the truth of the situation."

"Jesus fuck just listening to that made my head hurt. Shit woman, just say it. I won't even say anything, I won't react at all if that makes it easier."

She blew air through her lips letting them ripple against each other then laughed at how Darren watched her mouth. "Fine. Don't say a word. I'm just gonna tell you and then you're gonna walk away and go get your laptop and we're never going to speak of this again. Got it?"

He made a zipping motion across his lips and raised his brows.

"I'm going to be a hot mess for the next year, maybe longer and I'm not going to be any fun and not able to go anywhere or do anything and you're this vibrant, beautiful man with the world very close to landing at your feet. I feel selfish keeping you as my own when you should be out having the time of your life, and now you see, the only thing you could say is that you want to be kept as mine and blah, blah, blah but that doesn't change that the future is going to be so bright for you and the demands on your time are going to be huge and everyone is going to want a piece of you. Girls may have thrown themselves at you before but mark my words it's going to be epic waves of women coming for you and Babe, I'm not gonna look so good next to them, physically, emotionally…you're going want to go to shows, to clubs, to openings and I'm going to be home, sick with a baby and you'll say it's fine, and it will be for a while but slowly I'll start to insist you go and have fun because I'm afraid you'll grow to resent me for holding you there and you'll go and be miserable because you feel guilty about me at home and it's just completely the wrong time for us. This tour is a beautiful little bubble away from real life but in pretty short order shit's gonna get more real than either of us has ever known it."

She came up for air and Darren stood and walked away. He came back, as promised with his laptop; he set it up, played the song, live on drums, recorded on guitar, their voices together ringing through the arena. When they finished he looked up at her and held his hands up, drumsticks still balancing on his palms, "See?"

"Okay, you win that one. I see what you're doing there. Still I think you should try it with the bass just one time so we can hear the difference."

"Anything for you, dear, we'll try it tomorrow. We're late for family dinner."

Chris worked through family dinner but sent her a text.

CHRIS: Well?

ISSEY: Hate you.

CHRIS: What'd he say?

ISSEY: Not a word. I told him and I asked him not to say anything and he didn't.

CHRIS: Unbelievable.

ISSEY: At least he listens when I ask him to leave stuff alone.

CHRIS: HONESTY. THAT IS ALL.

After the show Darren wanted to ride on Issey's bus again, they'd be heading to Boston so he planned on staying at her apartment once they got there anyway; he figured they could get some more writing done. She told him he could stay and use the studio if he wanted but that she was going to bed, she wasn't feeling well at all.

He hugged her goodnight before she went upstairs and pulled her back when they would normally break apart, "Honey, you're burning up."

"I'm just over tired; I think I stayed up too late with you last night, I'll get some sleep and be fine."

"Can I please sleep upstairs with you tonight? I don't know what you've got up there but I can sleep on a chair, or the floor or whatever but I just don't feel good about leaving you alone."

"I'll call down if I need you. I just want some alone time."

He kissed her forehead and his whole face registered concern as she climbed the spiral stairs.

Three hours later Darren was in the studio with the door propped open, one ear on the music, one listening for any movement upstairs. His phone buzzed on the console and he grabbed it quickly.

ISSEY: Please cmere

He raced to the top of the stairs and followed the sound of her retching to the bathroom. "Is..I'm here." He didn't knock, just threw himself in and found her, covered in sick, shaking on the floor by the toilet. She was gulping for air, tears running down her bright red cheeks.

"Can't. make. It. Stop." She grasped at the wall for purchase to pull herself up when her stomach lurched again and she lost more contents of her stomach.

Darren tried to pull her hair back, but realized it was too late to get it out of the way; it was caked with the stuff already. He rubbed her back instead, whispering for her not to fight it, that she'd feel better when it was out, praying that was true.

Again coming up for air she reached for his hand and he helped her back to the floor before running the bath. When he got the water high enough he peeled her tshirt from her skin and lifted her into water. She didn't have the energy to argue as he took a soft cloth and washed her clean, then scooped water over her hair, rinsing it as best he could until she slid down, dunking her head and allowing him to wash it clean with sweet smelling shampoo, massaging her scalp with his strong fingers and watching her limbs start to relax, her eyelids closing.

He left her long enough to grab a fluffy clean towel folded neatly on a shelf, "Can you stand for me?" He held out his hands for her and she gripped tightly, her legs shaky beneath her.

He wrapped her up in the towel and grabbed another to dry her arms and quickly run over her legs before wrapping her hair in it messily. "You feel like you want to lie down?"

She nodded then mumbled, "Not the bed, I made a mess."

He kissed her cheek, "I'll take care of it. Do you want to brush your teeth?"

"mmm" She leaned on the sink one handed while he put the toothpaste on her brush then handed it to her. She brushed while he stripped the bed, bundling everything into the now drained tub to clean off before it would go in the laundry.

"I'll make the bed back up tomorrow, after I clean the mattress a little."

"Oh God, that bad?"

"Don't worry about it. I'll get it good as new." He smiled at her in the mirror.

She met his eyes but looked away quickly. He didn't give her time to think, worried that she'd shoo him away again. He kept his arm around her and walked her to the living area. "Which seat?"

"Cuddle couch" She pointed, "That one. Sit with me?"

"Okay, wait a second." He disappeared and returned with a clean night dress for her to slip into and her favorite sheet to drape across her, as well as a cool cloth for the back of her neck.

They curled together; Darren asked if she wanted a movie, tv or music and she said whatever he wanted, she was already drifting to sleep. When she was snoring he slipped his fingers through her drying hair and spoke softly, "Say whatever you want my love, I'm going to be the guy who does this as long as it takes. I'll take a night of rubbing your back and holding cold compresses over clubs and parties anytime, and those hoards of women you promised me? They'll never be you."


	24. Chapter 24

A brief visit to the doctor convinced both Issey and Darren that her overnight illness was typical first trimester fun and she could expect it to settle in a few weeks. At her office the doctor suggested taking the blood sample that would determine the child's paternity and Issey held her breath as the blood was drawn, watching it fill the vial as if she could read the answer in the droplets.

"Try to rest, don't do the yoga today, you didn't sleep well enough. Maybe you should skip the show." Darren tucked her into bed with everything she could possibly need within reach. "I have to go do sound check but I'll come check on you during family dinner. Text me or call me if there's anything I forgot to grab at the store on the way here. I'll unpack for both of us when I get home, uh, back."

"I'll go crazy sitting here all day. I can unpack. Do you want me to unpack your stuff too?"

"If you feel up to it, please don't push it." He sat on the edge of her bed and held her hand.

She smiled and shook her head at him, "You heard her, the doctor said this is completely normal, healthy even, AND she said I should stay active as long as I feel like I can."

"Maybe so but she's only looking at this from a pregnancy point of view, not the cancer. I wish you'd at least let me call the oncologist and make sure there isn't more to it."

"Stop looking for zebras when we have a horse in the room."

Darren raised one brow and tilted his head in her direction.

"It's something they teach in medical school. When symptoms look like a horse, smell like a horse, sound like a horse, don't go looking for zebras. Sometimes it's the simple obvious thing."

He laughed at her, "How would you know what they teach in medical school?"

"You don't know everything about me, pal. I could be a singing surgeon for all you know."

"Woman of mystery. I like it. Okay, really, I've got to go, I'm taking your car if that's okay."

"Of course. Have fun. Let me know if they need me though, okay?"

He leaned to kiss her head. "Baby, I love you, and you're a miracle worker, but if we can't do this show without you by now we're in real trouble."

When she heard the door click shut behind him Issey snapped the light off beside her bed. Before leaving Darren had pulled the shades and shut the heavy drapes to make it dark as night. He'd covered her in exactly the way she liked and so she slid beneath her sheet and smiled to herself as she nuzzled into her pillow.

She had thought about what it would be like when and if she'd ever let him to the top floor of her bus. In her mind it was always ceremonial, something she'd planned ahead, recognition of his place in her life. Issey would have changed things, made them less representative of her and Chris as a couple and made it comfortable in ways that were uniquely Darren. In his way though, Darren fit directly in to her space, on the bus, here in her home, and in her heart. She never had to make allowances for him, create room for him, or change a single thing for him. He belonged.

With this thought she slept most of the day, waking to sip water now and then, check her phone and answer the texts from Darren checking up on her. He came home with some plain chicken and white rice for dinner before the show and encouraged her through a yogurt to reset her stomach from the night before. She warned him that she'd just hit the ice cream when he left for the show but he'd thought ahead and cleared the house of it.

They ate cross legged facing one another on her bed; he ate what she ate, though he could have had anything he liked.

He forked rice into his mouth then asked, "What?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

"Since when?" he poked her leg with his foot.

"I'm practicing being a mom."

"Oh, carry on then."

"Use your napkin."

He swiped his mouth with his sleeve and grinned. "Kids never listen."

She watched him but said nothing.

"Seriously, what? You've been looking at me like you're Dian Fossey and I'm a gorilla on a mountain side."

"I just like seeing you in my habitat."

A smile played just at the corners of his lips and his eyes sparkled. "Do you now?"

"You're very easily domesticated. I haven't seen you pee on the carpet once."

"I think in light of last night I'm the one who gets the most housebroken award in this relationship."

"You know a nice guy wouldn't mention that."

"But a gorilla would."

"Not a well behaved gorilla."

"Guess you'll have to train me better then." He did a terrible monkey impression before clearing the plates from the room. She followed him to the kitchen and nudged him away from the sink. "Go do the show; you have to get yourself all Blaine'd up. I'll take care of this."

"I'll try not to be late." ,

"You'll get here when you get here. I know how it works."

He blew her a kiss before grabbing her keys and heading out the door again. When she was alone again she filled the sink with soap, ignoring her dishwasher, and stood first washing the dishes from dinner, then rewashing clean dishes from the cabinets. It was like a meditation, her mind clearing itself over the steamy suds.

Finally rinsing the final glass and setting it to dry she moved to her room to get through her luggage. This was a simple process since she made a habit of dumping all clothes directly into a hamper whether they'd been laundered on the road or not. Her toiletries stayed in her travel bag and stored under her sink in the bathroom. Living out of suitcases most of the year meant a systematic ease of going from road to home and back.

Darren's things were another story. He tended to just throw things into a duffle bag. She dumped his on the bed in his room and plucked through bright socks, worn saddle shoes, one pair of jeans, two pair of black underwear, a pair of boxers to sleep in, a Michigan t-shirt, an "I do my own stunts" t-shirt and a tooth brush. At the bottom of the pile were a notebook, pen and 3 guitar picks.

She put the clothes in dresser drawers, his toothbrush next to hers in the bathroom and went to move the notebook etc onto the nightstand when a sheet of paper fell out. She picked it up and couldn't resist checking it out before tucking it back. It was a song he was working on, lines scratched out and overwritten everywhere but the theme was clear.

"You can push, and say I'll be better, better on my own, but you don't know the way I feel, I feel when we're alone."

The whole thing was an answer to what she'd told him she feared about their future. She sat on the edge of the guest bed and read it over and over.

When he returned she was again in bed, asleep. He didn't want to wake her so he settled on the sofa with his cellphone and a glass of milk. He hit a button and closed his eyes, leaning into the cushions when his brother answered.

"Little Bro, too busy to call me back huh?"

"Been a long day. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just wanted to make sure we were still on for this weekend."

"We are. You gonna come to the show?"

"Your show, or the glee extravaganza?"

"Both."

"Of course. You sound beat, you taking care of yourself?"

"I'm fine, Is was sick all night last night so I haven't gotten any sleep."

"I thought she was Colfer's problem."

"She's no ones PROBLEM, dude, and they broke up."

"So you're back together?"

"No. We're just, it's complicated man. I don't have the energy to fight with you about her right now."

"Who's fighting? If you're happy I'm happy. Do I still get to meet her?"

"Yeah, you still get to meet her. And you're going to like her if you know what's good for you."

"Okay, I get it, it's real love. Bro you're a real romantic you know that?"

"Runs in the family. How's Lucy by the way?"

"Perfect in every way. I mean, she's a pain in the ass, but she's the perfect pain in the ass."

"You're made for each other. You need anything else brother, I'm fading fast."

"Take care of your girl; I'll see you on the weekend."

"Love to Lucy, and I love you, Chuck."

"You too little man, you too."

He disconnected, ran his hands over his face and cast a glance toward Issey's room. Her door was open and she was snoring. He chanced going into his own room to change into his boxers but none of his stuff was in the room. His bag was nowhere to be found so he gave up and stripped to the skin before climbing into bed.

He was too tired. He tried all his usual tricks but nothing would work. He couldn't sleep. He would have worked but his laptop and guitar were also missing. Could Issey have gotten angry and decided to not let him sleep there? What would have set her off to that?

He grabbed the sheet from the bed, wrapped it around himself and went to the living room to watch TV. He nodded off after a short while and when Issey woke in the middle of the night she was drawn to the living room by the flickering light. She clicked the remote, shutting of the tv and leaving them in darkness, then touched Darren's shoulder. "Hey. Bedtime."

"Wha? Oh. I couldn't sleep. I " he started to stand, remembered he was naked and grabbed the sheet up to cover himself. "I couldn't find my clothes, or anything."

She took him by the hand and lead him away from the sofa. "You were looking in the wrong room."

She kept hold of him and went to her own room, tugging him behind her until she got to the bed. "C'mon, sleepy."

"Is, I'm very naked and very tired and I think it would be best if we didn't combine those two things with being in your bed until you're ready for us to be a couple. I can take a lot but I am only human."

She knelt up on the bed, wrapped her arms around his waist, removing the sheet as she did and kissed him. "Like I said, come to bed."

He climbed over her to his own side of the bed and held his arms out for her to snuggle against him. "You sure about this?" he whispered the question into her ear but began kissing her neck without waiting for an answer.

"Completely. I'm done waiting."

He continued kissing her everywhere he could reach, her throat, her shoulders, her cheeks, jawline and eyelids. She placed her hands gently on either side of his face and brought him to look in her eyes. "I'm sorry I made you wait. I love you."

"I love you, and you're going to get sick of hearing it cause now that you'll let me I'll tell you every day."

She let him go and brought her lips to his, "I missed kissing you."

He let his kiss speak for him, urgent, exploring then tender and teasing, all the while his skin relearning hers. He started at the nape of her neck, slipping his fingers though her baby fine hair there; splay his hands flat along the muscles of her back, down the dip of her lower back and found the soft curve of her behind. He huffed warm air against her throat as he pulled at her hips to bring her to him. It took little convincing for her to wrap her thighs around him, meeting him more than half way.


	25. Chapter 25

"Hey, thought you were exhausted." Issey giggled into Darren's ear as he slid her panties down her thighs.

"You complaining?" He grinned into skin.

"No, just thinking if you're so sleepy maybe you should lay back and let me do all the work."

He considered, "You ARE better rested than me."

She sat up, running her fingertips in the dip across his shoulders, "Mmm slept all day and poor you running around and singing for all those screaming girls." She punctuated each of the last four words with kisses across his chest, playing her fingers through the wiry hair there.

He settled against the pillows, playing along, "I'm glad you understand, this sex symbol stuff isn't easy."

She slid her hand between his thighs, "Seems pretty hard to me"

She wanted him in her mouth, couldn't wait to taste him, to feel the weight of him on her tongue, but the urgency of his hands on her suggested she should get the show on the road.

Straddling him she sunk down over him, allowing him to guide himself into her. Both let out a low moan as he filled her. He reached for her neck pulling her in closer, capturing her bottom lip with both of his. He sucked and nibbled until she shivered through a ragged breath and deepened the kiss. In the time she hadn't been allowed the luxury of placing her lips against his she'd begun a secret obsession with corners of his mouth. The way they tucked in slightly when he concentrated, or quirked upward when he was pleased with himself made her crazy with desire. Now she ran the tip of her tongue there and thought of all the times she'd watched him across the room and wished for this.

Rocking against him Issey closed her eyes and allowed herself to feel the aching waiting and want inside replaced with warm, tingling waves of relief. Whether Darren sensed her emotional break or was experiencing one of his own was unclear but he ended the kiss and pressed their foreheads together panting out a whisper, "Forever this time. Us, this, longer than the stars or the tides, always."

She met his eyes which were no longer sleepy and green but dark and lust blown and whispered, "Always" before arching her back away from him and rolling her hips.

He let her set their pace, concentrating his attention on her nipples. The sensation shot through her and she grasped at him, babbling nonsense sounds and words as her fingers dug into first his hair, then his biceps, needing to feel the sureness of him, the reality of him.

Darren lifted her easily and urged her, "lay back, let me."

Issey surrendered, pressing herself into the mattress, her head at the foot of the bed. Darren followed her down, thrusting into her while lightly scratching her thigh hooked around him.

As much as she enjoyed being on top, Issey loved feeling the closeness of Darren over her. She lifted her hips to meet his every move and let out a long desperate "ohhhhhh" watching his kiss bruised mouth open and his strong jawline tense as he came.

He collapsed, spooning around her, "I'm sorry, I tried to hold out for you but, Jesus, baby you feel so amazing."

She was spent, her arm barely under her control she waved the thought away before kissing him messily. "Trust me, I'm good."

They dozed in and out all night, waking to kiss, to touch, to smile at each other in the dark and whisper silly, sappy words of love. When her alarm went off in the morning Darren silenced it immediately and nuzzled into her shoulder. "No."

She petted his hair, and stroked the back of his neck, "'Fraid so love. I can't do two days off in a row."

"It's haul out, it's travel time, can't we just fly to the next stop? Or drive ourselves? It's like, 2 hours away."

"Driving? It's over 5 hours, flying it's an hour in the air, but I don't know if we can get a flight this late and besides I have work to do on the bus."

"You sure? Cause I feel like I have some unfinished business right here." He thumbed across her nipple and traced her earlobe with the tip of his tongue.

Just as she was forgetting everything she needed to accomplish today her phone rang. "Can you get me three more tickets to tonight's show?"

"Good morning Sophia." Issey attempted to push Darren off of her but he redoubled his efforts, kissing inside her thighs, rising dangerously close to burying his face between her legs. She kicked at him, but without any real desire to move him away. "Ahh, Soph, can I call you back in like 10 minutes?"

"HA! Ten minutes. Tell we need an hour, minimum." Darren grinned up at her and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Are you having sex right now? Did you seriously answer the phone while you were having sex?"

"No, Soph, I'm in a mEEting," her stuttered word not super convincing she put her hand over her phone and turned to Darren, "STOP, my sister knows."

"Tell me it's the hot one, that's all, let me live vicariously through you."

"I'm not saying that, he doesn't need the power trip."

Darren licked at her wickedly.

"IT IS! Oh good for you. I want details tonight. Can I meet him? Can I borrow him?"

"Yes and absolutely not. And I'll get you all the tickets you want if you hang up the phone NOW."

"Enjoy, see you tonight!" and her sister was gone.

"My sister wants to borrow you."

He continued tasting her, slipping his fingers inside her as he did, when he got her to squeal he looked up, "Borrow or share? Cause I could get into one of those."

"Really? Already bored with me?"

"Never. But you know, sisters." He shrugged and went back to making her scream noises not heard in nature.

When she'd nearly cracked his skull like a walnut with her thighs riding out the insane pleasure against his mouth he sat back, "Okay?"

"Fuck you." She smiled.

"I'm into it, but you're the one who wants to go to work." He settled beside her and she tried to snuggle closer but her muscles weren't yet under her control. He obliged, moving over to her.

"I need to look like I do something other than getting pregnant when we get to Philly. My sister is bringing her kids, and apparently a few other people's kids to the show. She wants to meet you tonight, is that okay?"

"You want me to meet your family?" he kissed her temple.

"I figure if we're going to be together for the rest of our lives we might as well meet each other's siblings."

"I guess that makes sense. I should mention that Chuck is dying to meet you in New York."

"Oh boy."

"You just said."

"I know, but you're impressive. My sister's already in love with you. I'm a lot more of a complication."

"A wonderful complication, besides, I love you and Chuck will love you too. Do we really need to get up?"

"In about a half hour. I set the alarm early."

"See? Just another reason I love you. Um, not to poke too much at this but what made you decide last night was the right time?"

"I don't know really. I just felt it and I'm glad I did because since we broke up I've felt like I've been treading water and fighting to keep my head up and right now I'm just floating. Everything seems easier, better, right."

He beamed at her and they lay together quietly for a while. When it was almost time to get up Issey held his gaze and whispered, "This is more than I've ever known was possible, I hope you're ready for how very much I love you."


	26. Chapter 26

After the show Sophia invited Issey and Darren back to the house for dessert and drinks for everyone but the pregnant lady. The kids were more than a little enamored with Darren who happily made up silly songs for them, allowed himself to be taken on tours of bedrooms, and took formal introductions to teddy bears quite seriously.

Sophia and her husband tried to get the kids to leave him alone, to allow him to sit with the adults but Darren was clearly enjoying himself. The twins begged for him to give their bedtime story and before anyone could object he'd scooped Benji over his shoulder and Olivia onto his hip and started for their room.

"He's really good with them." Sophia put away the chocolate cake they'd been eating and poured a second cup of tea for Issey. "Not at all what I expected."

"Which was?"

"Too cool for school, hot celeb dude with a fake smile, two second attention span and big head I suppose."

"Give me credit for a little taste."

"How do I know? This is the first boyfriend you've ever brought around."

"Wow, can that be true?"

"It is."

Her brother in law came in and squeezed Issey's shoulder, "This one's a keeper. Didn't expect to like him to be honest but he's a good guy, knows his football that's for sure."

"That is what I've been holding out for, someone who knows his football." Issey teased.

When the kids' story time was done the adults moved to the backyard, sitting around the fire pit. Sophia couldn't wait to tell Darren stories about Issey growing up.

"'Where is she Issey?' that's what our Dad called her. She could never be found in the same place twice. We'd go to the grocery store and there I'd be, holding the side of the carriage, Mom would turn to get milk and when she'd turn back Is would be gone. I was supposed to be her keeper, how could I keep track of her when they never could. We'd find her everywhere, behind the deli counter, restacking apples, in the back chatting to the box boys while they smoked in the breakroom."

"Sounds about right." Darren laughed.

"And flirt? She could flirt her way into or out of anything, from the time she was 2. People would buy her things in stores, complete strangers, just see her looking at a doll and go buy it, come back and hand it to Mom with the receipt. Mom would try not to take stuff but they'd always say, 'She so cute, and she loves it so much, she should have it.' She'd get it home and never look at it again."

"That happened. That's a true story, but it wasn't like I asked for it, the woman just saw me look at it."

"I know how she felt, it's easy to want to give you anything you want." Darren sat, arms around her, drinking it all in, asking questions and kissing her cheek when she'd protest them ganging up on her. She threw in a few stories about her Sophia, and then they moved on to trouble they'd caused together. It had been a long time since she'd thought about the good times they'd had. When she talked to her in the past few years it always seemed her sister had a smug satisfaction about having her life together and being settled down. This night seemed to bring a new ease between them.

Issey was the happiest she'd ever been. She enjoyed being with her sister's family, warm, comfortable, accepting. Being here with Darren, seeing him fit in so easily with the domesticity was heartwarming. It didn't feel at all like they'd been back together for less than 24 hours.

The sound of a baby crying poured from a window and minutes later Sophia reappeared in the yard with her youngest, only ten weeks old. "She's real fussy right now, I'm sorry, but I guess you guys are going to have to get used to it huh?" She walked aimlessly, bouncing the baby gently in her arms.

Darren raised his arms, "May I?"

Sophia bent and passed Layla to him. He placed her along his forearm, cupping her tiny head in his hand, with his free hand he feathered his fingertips across her forehead. "What's got you so upset my sweet? Don't you know how safe you are? Don't you know how beautiful you are?" He continued on this vein, quietly soothing her until she was gurgling happily, her tiny eyes focusing on him. He paid no attention to the others watching him, there was only Layla and him, and they were taken with each other, charmed into their own little universe.

Soph looked at Issey and smiled. Issey touched his arm and asked for the baby. Darren handed her over carefully and kissed her shoulder as she rocked her niece until she was emitting soft baby snores.

Getting a minute alone together when they brought Layla back to her room Sophia hugged Issey, "You seem good. I was worried."

"I feel good tonight. It comes and goes, but I don't know, making the decision to just let myself be with him, to give myself permission to be hopeful for the future, it's a weight off."

"He can't keep his eyes off you. He's been so patient; I really think he's the best thing for you right now. I will say though, I wasn't sure what you saw in the other one until the end of the show."

"Impressive, no? I almost choked to death the first time I saw it."

"No wonder you wanted to tap that."

Issey barked a laugh, "Tap that? Who are you?"

"Sorry, there's some young mom's in my Mommy and Me group, I think I picked up their lingo. Am I not hip enough to pull off tap that?"

"Maybe with people that haven't known you your whole life."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Does all that dancing on stage translate to fireworks elsewhere?"

"I think you're drunk."

"A little, give me a break; I need to live vicariously through you."

"You really want to know?"

Sophia nodded, maybe a little too hard.

"It's better than it looks. Hotter than you can imagine. He's an animal."

Sophia slumped against the wall. "Damn. I really wanted to hear otherwise."

"I'm looking around at your hundred kids and thinking you get plenty."

"Even if you really love steak when you eat it exclusively for 12 years it gets old. You can put new sauce on it, but it's still steak."

"I'm ready to stick with my steak for the rest of my life."

"Yeah, but you've sewn your oats, all that time on the road with all those hot guys."

"I got news for you sis; I can count on one hand."

"SHUT UP!" She whisper yelled it.

"Tis true. And I have no desire to look further. Darren's it."

"Is he really going to be okay if Chris is the father?"

"I think he will, he's stuck around when I tried to push him away, the week I was home and recently when I was sick as a dog he was my rock, I don't think I've ever trusted anyone to love me before, but I trust him."

"I like having you here, both of you. I don't see you enough. It would be so nice if our kids could grow up together, would you ever consider moving here?"

"Aw, Soph, I would like to be closer too, tonight was so nice, just relaxing with you guys, but Darren's world right now is in LA and mine too for awhile. After my surgery I'm going to start house hunting there, when I get moved in I'd love for you to visit."

"Are you guys getting a place together?"

"Haven't even talked about it. We just got back together last night. He lives in an apartment with friends, I need space for me, and the baby, if he comes with me, fine, if he wants to keep his own space that's fine too. I'm not easy to live with, or maybe I am, I've never stayed still long enough to know."

"Last night? No wonder he's so moony eyed."

"Not just him, me too. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's in the UK."

"Come stay with us, you can't be alone, someone has to take care of you after your surgery."

"Thank you, and I love you for offering, but I think the kids, no matter how much I love them, might be a little much for me during recovery."

Darren showed up at the door to the baby's room. "There you are, I thought you ran away."

"Talking about you. Were your ears burning?" Issey ran her fingers through his hair and softly pinched the top of his ear.

Later that evening, back at the hotel Issey tugged her t-shirt over her head, "You were a big hit tonight."

Darren's hands were on her skin before her head popped through the neck hole. "I did good?"

She her face emerged, hair everywhere, "You did very good. Every…"

He kissed the rest of the sentence away, unhooking her bra as he did. He thumbed a nipple and mouthed at her throat while she continued. "Everyone loved you."

"Everyone?"

"Of course."

"Including you?" he busied his hands unzipping her cargo pants and easing them down her hips.

"Especially me. It was cool to see you with the kids; they couldn't get enough of you."

"Can't get enough…you…uh…" He had half kissed, half carried her to the bed and was now sliding her panties past her knees.

She tapped his shoulder from where she lay on her back, him circling her navel with his tongue. "I was trying to have a conversation with you."

"Sorry. I got distracted. If you want to talk you should keep your shirt on." He climbed up over her, his face over hers, one lone curl hanging in the center of his forehead. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Um, you, my family loving you, you know what? Doesn't matter, you have way too many clothes on, we should do something about that."

"I could get addicted to that." Issey puffed still trying to catch her breath.

Darren was face down on the pillow next to her, his face, sheen of sweat, hair plastered to his head. Whatever his response might have been in his head on the outside it was nothing more than the mumble of a spent man.


	27. Chapter 27

The rest of the week was a blur, everyone was gearing up for taking the tour out of the country which left Issey feeling left out, but also brought home for her how soon she would be having her surgery. The day of the New York show she went to see How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying with Darren, his brother and his brother's girlfriend. A few other members of the cast were at the show as well, Chris sat directly behind her and texted her before the show with a reminder that she wasn't allowed to make a grab for "Harry Potter" no matter how close she was to the stage.

Lunch was relaxed and fun; Darren and Chuck were like a comedy team, easily playing off of each other's humor. If anything Chuck was a more sedate version of Darren, reminding Issey of an older dog watching over a jumpy young pup.

Lucy and Issey excused themselves half way through lunch to hit the ladies room.

"Am I passing inspection do you think?" Issey asked.

"You're winning him over, but I wouldn't worry too much about Chuck, all he needed to see was the way you and Darren are together. He's just protective over his little bro."

"I'm glad, I like the idea of Darren having an anchor, and we're heading into some stormy seas."

Lucy fluffed her hair in the mirror then made an 'it will do' face, "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Who was the girl sitting directly behind me at the show? Do you know her?"

"She's a cast member. Yeah. Why?"

"I could hear her not so subtly whispering to the kid beside her, she's not your biggest fan, huh?"

"Ashley's protective of Chris, I'll just say that."

"High road. I hope when we know each other better you'll give me the dirt."

"I look forward to that."

In the cab to Radio City for rehearsal Issey rested her head on Darren's shoulder. "I loved the show."

"You were struggling to keep your eyes open."

"Kinda, but it was still fantastic. I didn't expect Larroquette to steal the show. I am kinda bummed Michael Urie wasn't there though."

"He's doing that project off Broadway isn't he?"

"Angels in America, yeah. I think I might try to see it while you guys are away."

"Little crush?"

She snuggled in deeper, wishing the cab would get caught in traffic. "He's an amazing actor."

"And adorable."

"Touché. I'm still allowed to look right?"

"The problem is they all look back." Darren lifted her hand and kissed it.

"Meh, they can look all they want, I found my keeper." She turned her face up for a quick kiss as they pulled into the venue. "Should I be worried that you haven't said a word about what Chuck thought of me?"

They walked hand in hand into the theater and Darren pulled out his phone, thumbing his messages open and showed Issey the most recent.

Chuck: u win Bro, she's everything u promised. Lu's planning a double wedding already.

Issey beamed and Darren laughed, "He had no choice, I told him he had to love you."

The audience in New York is always high energy, there's just something about the city that makes everything seem like MORE. Darren and Chris's interlude on stage had a little more magic to it lately, their chemistry back on track.

After the Glee show Darren was doing his own show, with a menagerie of friends and costars at Irving Plaza. Issey was tempted to nap during the Glee show so she could be wide awake for Darren's. She'd watched videos of his shows online before but it was going to be something really special to see one in person.

Issey's phone buzzed twice in her pocket during Single Ladies. One was a new text, one a voice message from her manager. Having no hope of hearing the message in the hall she opted for the text.

Mia: Would it be super inaprop for me to come to the show tonight? D invited me but…

Issey smiled and texted back right away.

Issey: Would LOVE to see you, but don't want you sucker punched, did he mention we're back together?

Mia: He didn't. Invite came ages ago. Won't come if it's awkward.

Issey: NOT AWKWARD for me, understand if it is for you but if not would really like to see you, know he feels same.

Mia: See you tonight!

For some reason this made Issey giddy. She'd liked Mia so much and had wished the circumstances had been different, they could have been great friends and maybe there was still hope. She knew Darren missed her and would love to see her again.

Getting to Irving Plaza after the show was an ordeal in itself, there was much hustling to get Darren through meet and greet for Glee then get him and Naya who was also going to perform with him at Irving on their way. When they arrived the back room was packed with Darren's friends and cohorts, all anxious to say hello, give hugs, tell him he looked like shit, the usual male bonding. Mia hung at the edges of the room with a stunning Asian girl Issey recognized as Darren's friend and sometime singing partner Charlene. Running over Issey grabbed Mia in a hug. Mia made quick introductions and Issey pulled them over to see the man of the hour.

Darren tugged Mia close and hugged her for a long time, whispering something in her ear that earned a huge smile and loud burst of laughter. Rather than the jealousy she might have felt previously Issey was touched at the affection between the two and left them to their moment.

She took a place at the back of the room to watch the show, sitting up on a bar stool while most everyone else pushed as close as possible to the stage.

It was magic to watch him. He greeted the crowd like a group of old friends, the line between performer and audience, so well defined at the Glee show was almost completely blurred here. Sure there were the fan girls, screaming and squealing but they fueled the show and as time went on and Darren pulled face after familiar face from the mass in front of him up to perform alongside him. Issey was in a trance, she'd seen him nail every precision step, hit every exacting tone of the Warbler set, seen him run around in choreographed chaos with the Glee kids but this was Darren's soul, pouring out under the lights. She had never seen anything so beautiful and if she had the capacity to love him any more than she already did, she surpassed it watching him on that stage.

It didn't occur to her for a moment that his coaxing everyone he knew onto the stage would include her but it did. She deferred at first, not trusting the lust filled girls in the crowd to be too kind to the girl who, as far as they knew, had broken his heart. He insisted though and rather than make a bigger deal than it was she swallowed her fear, the words she'd read on twitter and tumblr echoing in her mind, and climbed to the stage. Darren was at the piano, having just finished 'Not Alone'. She took the mic at the center of the stage and began singing without giving him any clue what song she was about to do. In true Criss fashion it took less than 3 bars for him to accompany her on the keys. She made it through Leona Lewis's 'I Will Be' looking only at him, watching his body become one with the music as he altered between underscoring her voice and leading her gently to nuances of the song all without them ever exchanging a word.

When she finished the audience screamed and applauded, Naya who was coming on to do Valerie hugged her as Issey ran off to the back to let her knees buckle. When she sat in the relative quiet her phone buzzed with a text.

Jim: WHERE ARE YOU?

Her manager, she'd forgotten his voice mail. She called him, plugging one ear from the muffled sound on stage.

"Hey, sorry, hectic day, I didn't listen to your voice mail, what's going on?"

"How often do I call you?"

"What? Almost never, why?"

"So when I do is it too much to ask that you actually pick up, or at the very least listen to your voice mail?"

"Jim."

"Fine. I got a message on my work voicemail today that I think was supposed to go to your phone. Did you give my number for any medical stuff?"

"I don't think so. I guess it's possible I put your office as a secondary contact in case I was out of reach. What's the message?"

"I left it on your voicemail. I think you should listen. I don't know what it means, well, I mean, I understand the message but…just listen to it. Call me if you need anything."

Issey took a moment to breathe. Medical news. Medical news Jim didn't know what it meant. Probably not good news if Jim didn't know how to interpret it. She considered waiting for Darren to come back to listen but then there was no use ruining his night, he was so happy out there. She pressed the code for her voice mail and listened closely.

When she'd listened to the message five times she finally closed her mouth. She paced the floor and shook her hands out, she had to do something right this minute but could she really do it now? Should she? She debated silently for a minute or two and then went to watch the show from the side of the stage.

Darren caught her eye once or twice and gave her a smile all her own. She blew him a kiss and tried to practice deep breathing to stop herself from passing out. Everyone came off the stage, the show over except for the encore. Everyone in the building knew Darren would never finish without doing Stutter. He came backstage and spent a few minutes celebrating the high of performing with your best friends before Issey, serious faced, took his hand. "I need to talk to you. Alone."

He frowned a little at her tone and allowed himself to be led into a bathroom. She locked the door behind them.

She was the definition of poker face and that was scaring Darren. He'd been so up and she was so quiet it was like a crash.

"I got a call, listen." She held the phone out to Darren so he could hear the news for himself.

"Ms. Mooney this is Carrie from Dr. Cochran's office, I've been trying to reach you for a few hours but I believe I have the wrong number for you. I'm calling to let you know we've received the results of the paternity test you took the last time you were in the office. I'm afraid the tests came back with a nearly zero probability that the young man we tested is the father. We would be happy to set up another test should you require one. If you have any questions please call our office at…"

Darren's jaw fell open, his arm went limp, he didn't hang the phone up, didn't seem to be conscious at all for a full 15 seconds and then he met Issey's gaze. "I…I…I want to hug you but I'm a gross, sweaty mess."

"Do it anyway." She launched herself into his arms and he lifted her, now laughing and crying at the same time.

"I've never been so happy for you to be wrong about something in my life." He kissed her.

"Me too, believe me, me too. Oh Darren, I really never even let myself consider that this baby might be yours, it seemed too good to be true."

"And now it is, and we're going to be a family and I think my heart is going to explode from this night."

"You have to go do an encore."

"Jesus, yeah, okay, you alright, if I go? Is it okay? I don't want to let you go right now."

She gave him a gentle shove and they broke apart. The grin on his face stayed firmly in place.

Onstage it took him a minute to find his composure and then he gave them Stutter, just as everyone expected. When he finished and everyone expected him to say goodnight he picked up his guitar and blew out a long breath.

"Um, thanks. So you guys have been just incredible tonight and I'm the luckiest guy in the world that you all would y'know, I mean, this is a great city and there are like a million things you could be out there doing, so I want to thank you for choosing to spend a little time here, with me and my little family of friends and vagabonds. I'm never going to forget tonight and I'm so grateful that you're here to share it with me, with us. I'm going to ask that you indulge me for just one more song, and um, you know, I love when you guys sing along cause this is really OUR show and not just MY show, but for this one song, if you could just like, kinda, let me do this cause it's sort of a special song for me tonight and I just want to …okay, well anyway, let me just…" he began to play and then did a soft, reconstructed, and tear infused version of Creed's 'With Arms Wide Open'.

Issey sat by the side of the stage, crying with joy and felt an arm around her; the girl hugging her had tears in her eyes too, the message of the song clear to her. Issey gave Mia a squeeze and got a kiss on the cheek in return. It was a bizarre little family they were building for sure, but it was a family in the truest meaning of the word.


	28. Chapter 28

They moved on to another club after Irving Plaza, a small, dark neighborhood place where fans were unlikely to find them. Darren's friends and family were all swarming around, telling stories, inside jokes, laughing loud and long, and drinking much. His grin never faded as he good-naturedly spent time with everyone looking for his attention but never lost sight of Issey.

Catching up to her at perched on a bar stool at a corner table where she was laughing with Lucy and Lauren he slid up behind her, kissing the spot where neck gives way to shoulder and firmly holding her hips. "So do I get a dance with the most beautiful girl here tonight or what?"

Lauren smiled, "Well of COURSE I'll dance with you Darren, but really, be careful what you say, the others will get jealous."

Everyone laughed and he leaned over to kiss her cheek, "I'm coming for you later but right now I'm dancing with my girl."

Pressed close together on the floor he caressed her back, "Today's been long, we should go get some rest."

"You mean I should, and I'm fine."

"You'll feel like crap tomorrow." He nuzzled into her hair.

"Will I wake up next to you?"

His smile returned, "You'd better."

"Then everything will be okay." She swallowed and looked in his eyes, "Tomorrow will bring its own challenges but tonight is heaven. I love seeing you like this; I'm in no hurry to leave."

He spoke softly even though the music was loud, "I don't suppose you want me to be there."

"When I tell Chris? No. Can we not talk about this now? I'm so happy in this moment." She scratched lightly at the nape of his neck then snuggled into his chest, loving the way he smelled. He was wearing a tight(ish) white Henley shirt with the buttons undone, little hints of hair showing through. She could blame the pregnancy hormones all she wanted but the ultra masculine combination of his scent after being on stage under the hot lights and the promising peek of chest hair were enough to put her over the edge without a single touch.

"I don't think I've ever been happier." He agreed and continued to sway to the music, the world in his arms.

The next morning Darren was hung over and Issey was exhausted. The good news was it was a second day at Radio City so they were off until just before show time. The bad news was that she needed to talk to Chris. Issey sat up to reach for her phone but Darren touched her shoulder. "Not yet."

She wasn't aware he was awake but when he spoke she lay back against him, "I was just going to text him ask him if he had some time for me later."

"Just a few more minutes."

"Are you worried about something?"

"Nope, I'm just saying we haven't slept in together in a very long time, I want to milk it for all we can."

"Sometimes I have a hard time believing you're real." She ran a hand over his shoulder and down his arm.

"Even with how badly I fucked up?"

"You fell in love with two people. I think I can relate. I'm just, I don't know, I'm floored I guess by how much I love you. Giving in to my feelings for you is the best thing I've ever done for myself. There are things I come so close to asking you before I can stop myself."

He licked his lips before kissing her, a long, slow, deep kiss that spread warmth through her lower regions. "You can ask me anything."

"No, I know the answers, I'm just needy sometimes."

"I'll say the words every minute of every day. I love you, I will always love you. There is no one else but you, for me, not now, not ever."

They stayed like that for awhile, lacing their fingers together, him touching her belly and talking to the baby, something he'd never done. "Hey in there, don't know if you can hear me but I'm your Daddy. I can't wait to meet you."

Her phone rang; she knew from the ring it was Chris.

"Hey." She sounded upbeat.

"We need to talk. Like now." He didn't.

"What's wrong?"

"Face to face. Alone." Each word was clipped, Issey had heard him mad before but this turned her skin cold and made her heart race.

"Where?"

"My room, 354." He hung up.

Issey was hugging herself, feeling dizzy from his anger. Darren sat up beside her, "What is it?"

"Chris wants me to come to his room. He sounds really pissed off."

"I'm coming with you." Darren swung his legs out of the bed and reached for underwear.

"He said alone."

"He doesn't make rules for you anymore." Darren's voice was tight.

"No one does," she walked to his side of the bed and stood between his knees. She ran her fingers down h is scruffy face, "please, don't make things worse. I'll go alone."

She brushed her teeth and pulled on clothes but didn't bother with her hair. Even her knock at Chris's door gave away her fear.

Chris pulled the door open and immediately walked away from it. His face was a storm cloud. "I never would have believed you would do this to me."

"I don't know what you're talking about Chris; please just tell me what's happening."

He turned his laptop on the desk to face her. "Have a look."

ChrisColfer: congrats on getting free of the whore

ChrisColfer: I'm sorry- you would have made a wonderful father

ChrisColfer: She's an idiot, you could be my baby daddy any time

ChrisColfer: the kid will be a hobbit good riddance you can do better

It went on like this. Her face went white and she sat hard on the end of his bed.

"So it's true." He slammed the computer shut.

"I was going to tell you today, I just found out last night while we were at Darren's show. How the hell do they know?" the words came out in a rush.

Chris cocked an eyebrow, "You can't blame Adam this time."

"You think I put this out there? Are you insane?" Issey was yelling now.

Somehow her sudden burst of anger made him eerily calm "Who else knew?"

"The doctor's office, me, I told Darren when I got the news but we were alone. Mia figured it out when he…oh my God." She covered her mouth with her hand.

"What? He WHAT?" Chris was crimson faced.

Issey responded quietly. "He sang a song for the baby. He didn't dedicate it or anything but since it was a song about becoming a father and it was a crowd of fans that know our situation it was pretty easy to read between the lines I guess."

Chris sat hard next to her, the wind knocked out of him. "I want to punch him."

Issey shook her head sadly, "It wouldn't change anything."

"It'd feel good though, and Mia? What the fuck? He saw her?"

"WE saw her, I asked her to come to his show last night. I like her."

"So he gets both of you, and the baby."

"He gets to keep her as a friend, yes, I'm keeping you as a friend aren't I?"

The edges of his mouth formed a small smile, "I hate when you have an answer for everything."

"It's a blessing and a curse."

"The worst part is I don't even have the right to be mad. He didn't do anything wrong. He's the father, he can sing about it, talk about it, scream it from the Empire State Building if he wants to. He owes me nothing."

"He wasn't thinking, he was happy and a little drunk and you know he wouldn't want you to hear it this way."

Chris had his head in his hands, "Please don't ask me to give him credit for being a good guy right now."

She patted his thigh, "I'm sorry. I didn't know how I was going to tell you but I didn't want it to be like this."

He picked his head up, his eyes were red now, "I know its better, better for all three of you that the baby be his, I just…wanted it."

"It complicates you life less too you know, you'll be a father when the time is right, with the right person, and that baby will be so lucky to have you. You're still family to me. You know that. I'll still need you and I meant it when I said I wanted you in the baby's life whether you were her father or not."

"Her?"

"Conjecture."

"Do you feel like it's a her?"

"Sometimes, but then I was 100 percent sure she was yours."

He looked at her, his expression unreadable, "Were you?"

She nodded. "I'm fallible, who knew?"

He laughed a little at this. "I guess I should be a man and congratulate him."

They went back to Issey's room to find Darren pacing in just his jeans. When they walked in he looked up, ready for anything.

"It's all over Chris's twitter feed. I didn't have to tell him, the fans did."

Darren looked confused, "How this time?"

"Arms wide open." She said simply.

Darren's face fell. "Shit man, I'm sorry. I just went with what I was feeling, it didn't even cross my mind that they'd all know, of course they would. Chris man, I should have waited until she talked to you."

Chris shrugged the apology away, "Your baby, your call. I just came down to say congratulations." He held his hand out but Darren hugged him. Chris half hugged him back, not as comfortable with physical affection as his tv boyfriend.

"You're going to be her favorite uncle." Darren was back to smiling.

"Don't let Chuck hear you say that." Chris deadpanned. "Okay, I'm going to leave you lovebirds on your own, sorry I lost my temper back there Is."

She wanted to make him stay, to make him feel a part of things but he seemed so uncomfortable she let him go. When the door shut behind him she went to Darren and let him put his arms around her, "I wish he had someone of his own. He deserves that."

"Do you honestly think he wants it?" Darren sat on the bed, pulling her down with him.

"Of course he does, why wouldn't he?"

"I don't know much about your relationship with him and I don't really want to, but you've said some things in passing that made it sound like it was pretty much about sex and not much else."

"I don't think that's true, we love each other, we're supportive of each other."

"And that makes you awesome friends, but how much time did you spend together when you weren't in bed?"

She thought about it, "He works a lot, but then so did I."

"We weren't together very long but we made time, we went on picnics and went to the beach, he's focused on h is book, his movie, I don't blame him, he's smart to get things done while he has the platform but where does a relationship fit into that? This tour will be over in a few short weeks sure, but when we're shooting Glee his schedule will be worse than it is now."

"His movie will be done by then."

"It will be shot, if he was just an actor that would be done, but he's not. He's going to be involved in tons of post production. Babe, you and I are workaholics, but we're also romantics, he's a realist, he's driven by his projects, by the words in his head that have to come out whether he wants it or not." Darren rubbed her back lightly as he spoke.

"I know what you're saying, and I know you don't want details but I have to just defend him a little and say that Chris can be romantic."

"I'm sure he CAN, it's just not his nature, it's something he'll do occasionally, because the moment feels right, but we," he stopped to kiss her, "are different, it's in our blood."

"You must have watched him pretty closely to come up with this analysis."

"He had my girl, that put him under constant surveillance, besides, you forget, I've spent more time being his boyfriend than you have being his girlfriend."

"Those lines are written for you, but no, you're not wrong. Is it too kinky that I can't wait to watch you guys make out on set?"

"I can see the attraction. I'd give my liver to watch you and Mia make out, but I haven't even been told if I'm back next season or not."

"You're back. Ryan's not stupid; he's not going to ignore the audience reaction when Kurt asks Blaine to join glee club every night. I didn't notice, did you get to dance with Mia last night?"

"I did. She told me you convinced her to come, and warned her we were together. Thank you for that, it meant more than just seeing her, it meant you trust me and that means everything."

He stood to pull on a t-shirt but she hooked a finger through the belt loop of his jeans, "We have HOURS, do you really need to put clothes ON?"

He tossed the shirt aside and followed her onto the pillows, "You don't want to go out, maybe have lunch, its New York City after all."

She traced his shoulders, floated her fingers down his sternum, "We can go out if you want, I don't mind, but you're kind of irresistible in just jeans."

He laughed, "I can't tell if it's the pregnancy or if you're always this randy."

"It's you, I waited too long, I need to make up for lost time, but honestly if you want to go out its okay, I'll be a big girl and let you get dressed."

"Well, we do have plenty of time, we could go out later." He was already unbuttoning her blouse. "Besides, I may be a romantic but I can't let Chris beat me in the sex god category."

"Apples and oranges. Babe? Would you really want to see Mia and I make out, or is that just sort of better in fantasyland?"

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her, gauging whether she was asking out of annoyance or curiosity. "I imagine it's the same way you want to watch Kurt and Blaine do it, it's hot to see but I wouldn't want there to be any feeling behind it. I don't think you'd be turned on if Chris and I kissed, but Kurt and Blaine aren't a threat to you and I."

"So if it was just a friendly make out, say, for your birthday, you'd be down?"

He'd been unzipping his jeans but now he fell over her and growled, "Don't tease me woman, I might hold you to it." in a very friendly way.

She giggled and carded her fingers through his hair, "I've told you before I think sexuality if fluid and Mia's a hottie. I'm not sure how she'd feel about it given your past, but if she was down I'd be more than happy to give you a little birthday fantasy show, that is, if I'm in any shape to be a fantasy girl by your birthday."

"You will ALWAYS be my fantasy girl, no cancer, no pregnancy, no anything will ever change that."


	29. Chapter 29

"We can't avoid the subject forever." Darren dipped his toast into the runny egg on his plate.

Issey pointed her cantaloupe covered fork at him, "I'm not avoiding it, I'm just saying we have other things to get through before we worry about it."

"Such as?" he raised his fuzzy eyebrows with the question.

"Such as tonight being the last show I'll get to do with you guys before you leave, the fact that you're going to do those London shows after the tour ends AND my getting through the time after my surgery."

"We'll have a great show tonight, I have no choice about the leaving or you know I'd stay. I've already told you I'm cancelling the London shows because there is no possible way I'm staying away that long while you're in recovery and I thought you said you were okay with your Mom coming to help until I get home."

"I just meant that rather than dwell on decisions we don't have to make yet I'd rather enjoy being with you for the two days before you have to go, and you are sure as hell NOT cancelling those London shows, your fans there have been going crazy online about them forever and you can't disappoint them just to come home and watch me puke."

"I'll reschedule, we'll go after the baby is born."

"No, you'll do them now. I'll be in good hands with my parents and Soph said she'd come help out too if Mom makes me too crazy."

"I wish I could stay home and take care of you." He dropped a kiss on her head while he cleared the table from his breakfast.

"Me too but that's not reality, plus when you think about it, it's such a short time compared with the rest of our lives together."

He looked over his shoulder at her from the sink and smiled, "I like it when you talk about the rest of our lives, a few weeks ago you were talking like the rest of your life wouldn't be that long."

"Happiness increases your life expectancy." She held her dish out to him, too lazy to bring it over.

"Then I am going to live forever." He kissed her and took the dish to the sink. "But I still want to talk about the living arrangements in the fall."

"I'm buying a house, it's that simple. I don't want to live in apartment when I'm sick and I have a baby, I've never needed the space before but the baby means having a real home, not a home base."

"I fit into that plan where? Why isn't it we'll buy a house? It makes me nervous that you don't want me as a part of this."

"Darren sit down." When he did she took his hands in hers. "If you want to live with me I would love that. If you want to stay in your apartment with your friends to have your own space I'm okay with that, but the plain facts are that I have the money to buy the house I want and you don't. If you want this to be OUR home then fine, we'll look together, we'll make the decisions together but I draw the line at you contributing financially to it. Your career is just taking off, and I know you're going to have a very long, very lucrative career, but for now you need to be fiscally responsible."

"I know I don't have the money you do, but I'm not exactly broke."

"I'm not saying you're broke. I'm saying I'm older than you, I've been at this longer than you and I've been spending next to nothing for years. I'm also saying that I'm thinking about our future, I'm not going to work as much as I did. Sure I'll do Glee for now but that won't last forever and we'll have our baby, I won't want to live on the road all the time with her. I'm starting a new part of my life, I don't want to work as hard as I used to anymore, I think I pushed my body so hard it rebelled and I 'm ready to give it, and my psyche a break."

"So what you're saying is we're going to use your money now because you're going to want us to have my money later, so you can stay home and be a mom and a wife and let me take care of you?"

She laughed, "Did you just use the word wife?"

He looked at her sideways "What's funny? Would you say no?"

"We're getting ahead of ourselves here, weren't we just talking about whether or not we'd live together?"

"Some people actually get married, then move in together and THEN have a baby. I mean, it's not unheard of."

"Is that what you want?"

"Not necessarily, but the way you reacted was like us getting married was off the table."

"It's not, I just don't want it to be something we do because you feel like we have to. And for the record I would not say no, but the point is, yes, if that doesn't scare you too badly, I'm not saying I'm going to stop working entirely, but I would like to be home, take care of you and our kids and live off of your big time celebrity paycheck."

"And if I'm not a big time celebrity?"

"Then we get a little place in a college town and become professors."

"I'd actually really love that."

"Me too, I don't care what we do, or how much money we make, everything about my vision of the future has changed in the past week, all I care about now is our family being together and happy."

He kissed her softly and whispered, "Kids?"

"You want to stop at one?"

"I want a million little carbon copies of you. Let's get the house together, you can pay the majority if you want but let me contribute so I don't feel like a transitory guest in our home, let's make it ours and start our lives together as a family."

"Fine, settled, now are we going to work or what?"

"You haven't done your yoga yet."

She stood and stretched "You just want to watch my ass."

He came up behind her and squeezed her butt laughing, "Guilty."

She started the yoga and gave him a little kick when he settled onto the sofa to watch, "Participate or get out."

"I want to watch you. I'm not going to see you for weeks, I need to memorize you."

"You've spent plenty of time on the study Pal, besides, by the time you come back the whole thing will be completely the different." Her stomach dropped a little as she said it. She hadn't given much thought to losing her breasts, it was a non issue, she was in survival mode, for herself and her baby, but Darren watching her the way he was brought it home.

She gave up on the yoga and sat beside him, squinting slightly as she spoke, "It's going to be very different. We haven't talked about that."

"We've known that since we found out the diagnosis, this is the first time you've mentioned it. Your body is going through so much; I don't think you can be ready for it all. I hate that I won't be here for you while this happens."

"I'm kind of glad; I'd rather you not have to deal with emptying drains and changing bandages."

He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I'm tougher than I look."

"It's not that, I just, it's not very sexy."

He blew out a breath and sat back. "I…wow, okay, give me a minute cause I just almost said something guaranteed to piss you off."

"Like?"

"No, not walking into that trap. Look, I love you, I love making love to you and yes, you're incredibly sexy to me but Christ Is, I hope you get that I'm in love with you, your brain, your heart, your humor, no scar, no drains, no amount of physical change could alter the way I think of you, the way I feel when I look at you, except to make me love you more when I see your strength through it all."

"Intellectually I believe that, but can you understand how difficult it will be to feel sexy to someone who has to do the dirty work of caring for me that way?"

"Of course I can, I just want to reassure you that, wait, if the tables were turned, if I had testicular cancer and you had to do all those same things for me, would it make me less desirable to you?"

"Of course not!"

"Well then…I can understand if you're not feeling sexy, and I'll need help with drawing the line between when you need me to reassure you that I still want you and trying to help you realize how sexy you are and times when you not feeling sexy really means that you love me but want me to back the fuck off. Just be direct with me and I'll do my best to help in whatever way I can, but can I tell you when I knew you really loved me, needed me, wanted me in your life?"

She just nodded, she had started to tear up again.

"The night on the bus, when you called me upstairs. The fact that you let me see you like that, let me take care of you, and wash you and then clean up after you, it may seem insane, but that was when I knew for sure that you were coming back to me and when you did it was forever. Don't shut me out of the ugly stuff, I'm honored to be the guy you trust with it."

They stay snuggled together on the couch for a bit and then she offered, "Do you know when I knew you were mine forever?"

"Tell me."

"It happened when we weren't together, you were sitting in one of the backstage rooms, just playing your guitar, messing around, I was around the corner and you thought you were alone and I heard you singing. You still haven't played it for me but I know the song you were singing was for me, the lyrics were so gorgeous I think my heart literally cracked just listening to you."

He hung his head, "You weren't supposed to hear that."

"But it was beautiful."

"And angry and filled with pain."

"Pain you don't feel for someone you don't love to the very depths of your soul. I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but I knew when I heard those words that it was just a matter of time before we were together and that when we were I would never let you feel that way again."

That evening they set out for the last show of the US portion of the tour. Issey tried to give everyone a little time to just make last minute reminders and touch ups, but other than that she had told everyone she didn't want a big deal made. It would be one thing if she were ending her time with the tour to move on to something else work wise but she didn't want any tearful good byes with mentions of her illness to dim the celebration of this final night. They would go on to do a kick ass UK tour and she wanted lots of presents brought back to her, but most of all she wanted them all back, safe, sound and ready for work when Glee restarted shooting.

That said, she couldn't help the prickle of tears behind her eyes as the show began.

Shortly after the warblers set, on the final night that Issey would be with the tour, her phone buzzed with a text from Riker she found puzzling.

Riker: Ms. Mooney I hate to be a tattle tale but I think you should check out what Blaine Anderson is doing in rehearsal room B.

She was confused but decided to head down to see what Darren was up to.

The door to the room, the last one at the end of a dark backstage hall , was open only a sliver. The small book light over the music rest on the piano provided the only light.

She heard a groan and found Darren,still in his school boy uniform, his back to her. He was, to her amazement, masturbating.

“What are you DOING?” She whispered more amused than anything.

He half turned, fumbling to cover himself, blinking his long lashes slowly. “Ms. Mooney, I didn’t think anyone else was down here, I’m so embarrassed.” His tie was loosened but still knotted, the top few buttons of his shirt undone.

Issey caught on to the game and played along. “Mr. Anderson this is a natural urge, nothing to be ashamed of, but perhaps you could control your lust for Mr. Hummel until you are no longer at a school function. ”

Darren slid his hand around himself and stroked twice before answering, “Im sorry, i know its wrong but it couldnt wait, i was busting out of my uniform pants. To be honest though it wasn’t Kurt that did this to me, , it was you. I’ve been having all these confusing feelings lately and when you were bending over picking up that brush in the make up room I could see your undies. I thought I was going to come right then and have to go on stage after jizzing in my pants. ”

Issey took one step closer. “Mr.Anderson I think you need to work on yourself control. Something as simple as this,” she lifted her skirt to reveal her tiny black clothing article in question, “should not be sending you running to jerk off. I think you should try to desensitize yourself. Why don’t you come touch them? They’re nothing more than a thin bit of lace.”

Darren did his wide eyed Blaine face, “Gee, do you think it would help?” He reached a tentative hand forward and ran his fingers over the fabric as if it might bite. He dipped a finger behind the edge then palmed her pubic bone, curling his fingers between her legs and then removing them gingerly. “Ms. Mooney why are they wet?”

His cock, stuffed hastily back into the unzipped grey Dalton Academy slacks, popped up and out.

Her breathing was heavy, she could barely contain the gasp when his fingers grazed her. “This is a good teaching moment. You see , look at your penis, here, may I?” She placed her hand close to but not on him.

“Yes, ” he made a little humming noise "please, Ms. Mooney.“

She tugged at him, allowing her fingers to play at the sensitive spot just under the head causing him to moan and twitch.

"Does this turn you on?” She asked in a low whisper.

It was getting difficult for him not to break character but he managed a strangled, “Yes ma am.”

“And look how beautifully hard you are for me. Because you want to fuck me, is that right Mr. Anderson?” She bent over and licked him base to tip then watched for his answer.

“Very much, ma'am.”

“Be more specific, tell me what you’d like to do to me.”

“I want to fuck you against a wall, hard and fast until you scream my name.” His voice was lust laced but he kept his face the eager young hopeful anyone would recognize as Blaine.

“You asked why my panties are wet. When a woman gets turned on she creams herself to make herself ready to have a stiff dick rammed into her pussy. Would you like to feel and see what a wet and ready cunt feels like Mr. Anderson?”

He touched between her heavy lips and splayed his fingers in her slickness. When he retrieved his hand he licked his fingertips and looked at her with wonder in his eyes, “you taste so good.”

Taking her panties off she locked eyes with him, “I’ll let you fuck me, Blaine, but only if you promise not to tell. Do you promise, Blaine?” She brushed her breasts against his chest and smoothed a curl behind his ear.

“I swear, I won’t ever say a word.”

They kissed each other as if it was the first time their mouths had met. She made small mewing noises, encouraging him forward. Both still nearly completely dressed Darren lifted her thigh to wrap around him before carrying her to the wall and pressing her back against it with controlled force.

It was hot as hell to play but when her thighs were around him and he teased her, rubbing himself around her entrance she let go of the Warbler tie and took his face in her hands, “Darren, wait, please.”

He moved his hands to the small of her back, “I’m sorry, are you okay?”

“Yeah, the thing is you’re way too good at being Blaine, it feels like cheating, even though its your body, it’s still like being with someone else. I just want you.”

It was like a light switch, his face changed, his eyes went from child like awe to the deep and thoughtful man she loved. The flinty sensuality returned to his voice, “I’m still me, I’m right here honey.”

She kissed him again, enjoying the familiar way their lips fit together and then wiggled against him, “so you were saying something about hard and fast…?”

The devious expression now was 100% Darren and it was him who made good on Blaine’s intent.

Her legs locked around him, laying back against the wall she found Darren could thrust deeper than ever inside her and she could roll her hips forward to meet him . His balls slapped at her skin with each powerful move.

“Fuck, Dar, yeah, right therrrrr.”

He grabbed at her back, pulling forward, losing the spot inside her, prolonging the moment. He sucked greedily at her breast through her thin cotton top making her throw her head back and make loud cracking contact with the wall.

“Shit, Babe, I’m sorry, he tenderly rubbed the back of her head.

"Dddon’t stttop.” She repositioned herself with her thighs, forcing him back in deep. He rocked them both panting out, “come for me, come for me baby.”

She let out a strangled noise trying not to attract attention to them and let the warmth spread through her, soaking them both with her juices.

His knees began to give out as he grunted through his own orgasm so she dropped one leg to the floor, supporting her own weight while he road out his finish.

“This is going to be a nice mess to explain to wardrobe.” Issey ran a finger through the come dripping on his pant leg.

“Totally worth it.” He was red faced and breathless but held her close and kissed her.

“Fuck!!!” He backed up, startling her.

“What?” But she heard it too, he was cutting his changing time seriously close and needed to go.

“Baby I hate to..”

“Go, take off the uniform while you run!”


	30. Chapter 30

Issey woke up alone. Darren's side of the bed was still warm so he couldn't be far, she closed her eyes to fall back to sleep but heard him talking low in the next room.

He was on her house phone. "I've got that covered, I packed her bag already, I ordered groceries and a few full cooked meals to be delivered and I've made a calendar for you with all of her doctor appointments and everything. Oh, and I set up her pills in the monthly pill box and left you a list of everything, she'll probably have to add some or whatever after the surgery."

She shuffled out rubbing her eyes, "Who are you talking to?"

He mouthed 'Your mom' to her then put a finger to his lips to tell her to shush.

"No, that was the TV. I'm leaving you my number so if anything comes up please call me, I don't care what time it is." He paused, "I know, she's in good hands. Okay, thank you Mrs. Mooney. I'll tell her. Bye."

She turned and went back to bed, it was only 7AM. He followed and climbed in over her and smiled, "Your Mom wanted to know if she should bring any pots or pans because you never cook."

"She wouldn't know if I cooked or not. I didn't even hear the phone ring."

"I didn't want it to wake you so I grabbed it right away. She was cute, she was all worried about where she was going to grocery shop and that she didn't know her way around here."

"And you told her you were having groceries sent over?"

He lay on his side and wrapped an arm around her, thumbing softly at her hip. "Yeah, I didn't want you talking her into ice cream and junk food."

She cuddled a little closer to him, "Sounds like you put together a whole bunch of stuff for her."

"She'll never need it, I just wanted to feel like I was helping somehow." He kissed her shoulder.

"You've helped plenty; did I hear you tell her you packed a bag for me?"

"For the hospital, no snooping in it, I put in everything you'll need except your phone."

"If you packed my toothbrush it's going to be a rough week before I get there." She played her fingers through his hair.

"Got you a new one, and yes, it's the right kind. Trust me, I thought of everything."

"Okay, I believe you," they lay quietly for a little while, then, "thank you."

"For packing the bag? I figured when you unpack it knowing I had put it together it would feel a little like I was there with you."

She rolled to her side now to face him. She traced her fingers across his cheeks and down his stubble lined jaw. "I'm going to miss you so much."

They kissed softly and made love slowly, both content to know that they'd have time to go back to sleep for a while before they'd have to get up and face goodbye.

The alarm went off too soon. Darren sighed heavily and slammed it quiet as if it were the clocks fault he has to go. She stirred but he kissed her cheek and told her to sleep, while he went to shower.

He was singing something she didn't recognize when she snuck into the bathroom. "If you were hoping to join me you're too late, I'm just about to get out."

"I'm just here for the show." She teased as he stepped out dripping and naked. She held his towel away, a come and get it taunt.

The fondness in his eyes as he grabbed for her instead of the towel helped her excuse the fact that he was getting her soaked. Pressed against the sink she twisted her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. Issey's hands roamed everywhere; her eyes shut tight trying to memorize the feel of him against her. Darren's groan brought her back to the present. "Babe, I've gotta get ready." He was half hard and unless she missed her guess was reciting the lyrics to "To Have A Home" in his head to distract himself.

Issey slid away and wrapped his waist in the towel. "Okay, okay. I'll leave you alone. You have time for breakfast?"

"Just a cup of tea."

She made his tea and put wheat bread in the toaster for herself.

"Do I look ready for the paparazzi?" He had on dark jeans and a nondescript navy v neck t-shirt, as he asked the question he pulled a plain navy and white baseball cap over his still wet curls.

"You look ready to not be noticed by them." She set his tea in front of him.

"Exactly what I'm going for." He pulled his glasses out of their case and popped them on.

"No contacts today?"

"People don't expect me in glasses. I'm trying to stay under the radar." His phone rang and he raised his eyebrows at her as he answered. "Hey Ryan, what's up?"

"Oh, yeah, yes, thank you. No, of course, yeah, yeah, wow, no thank you so much. Okay, I'll…I'll tell her, thank you again." He set the phone down and a small smile played at the edges of his lips.

"Sooooooo?"

"I've been added as a series regular. Not invited back as a guest star, Babe, invited to be a reg-u-lar. I was just hoping to get a few more episodes next season. This is huge!"

Issey smiled, "Congratulations."

"You don't seem very…you KNEW!"

"I knew. He made me promise to let him tell you. He told Zach and I the list of who was being invited back as regulars, and who would be back as guest stars."

"Did anyone not get asked back?"

"No one on tour. I think only three of you were moved up to full time cast members, I don't really remember much after he said your name."

He got up and paced the small kitchen. "I don't know what to do with myself, I'm stoked! This is unbelievable. A few months ago I was singing in restaurants for tips, I got this gig, I figured it would be maybe 3 episodes and I'd be back to the restaurant, back to auditioning for anything and everything. I can't believe this!"

"I never doubted it. You're Ryan's star, he was banking on it being Lea but turns out as talented as she is the real sale will always be the heart throb and I don't know if you've been reading your press but sweetie you're it. The press loves you, the fans love you, the network loves you, he'd have been stupid not to try to sign you for as long as he can keep you." She went to him and kissed him, trying to get in as many as she could before he left. "You're a hot property."

"Bullshit, I'm a bum who got lucky; the only hot property here is in my arms."

"They're very nice arms." She snuggled into his chest and locked her arms around his waist.

A buzz interrupted them so she went to the intercom at the door, "Hello?"

"Delivery for Ms. Mooney." Shrugging she buzzed it up.

"Oh, Ryan told me to tell you he was sending you a car and driver while you're recovering."

"What? Why?"

"I mentioned when I was talking to him the other day that you wouldn't be able to drive for a while and I didn't know how comfortable your mom would be taking you everywhere."

"Darren, I don't need all of that. I'll be fine." She broke off to answer the door.

The person at the door held a plain brown package in front of his face. Issey said hello somewhat cautiously and the box dropped to reveal Chris.

"Hey Hon. I just wanted to say goodbye and bringing you a little something you might need while you're on your own." He handed her the box. Darren gave Chris a friendly hello and then excused himself to the bedroom giving the two some space.

"Do I open it now or wait until you're gone."

"I think you better wait."

"It isn't going to make me emotional is it?"

"Um…it may bring up an emotion, but not in the way you think."

"Well, thank you. It was sweet of you, no matter what it is. Do you want tea?"

"No, I'm going to go, I just wanted to drop that off and tell you I'll be thinking of you. If you need anything after your, y'know, um, after the surgery, or before, or whatever, let me know okay?"

"I'll miss you." She hugged him hard and he reciprocated, rubbing her back, "I love you."

She pulled back a little to look him in the eye, "You too."

He ducked out before Darren came back to the room. "What'd he give you?"

"Dunno he said not to open it until he was gone."

Darren regarded the box. "Too big to be a love letter."

"Stop. Do you want me to open it?"

He half closed his eyes reminding her how beautiful his lashes were. "No, you open it when I'm gone. It's between you and him. Besides, I want your full attention right now."

"Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?"

He checked his watch, "I gotta go. I want to just," he stopped and sighed, "I don't know, I feel like I should have something really deep and meaningful to say right now but I don't. I love you, I'll be back as soon as I can. I'll call so much you'll be sick of me. Please, PLEASE if you don't feel good after your surgery be honest with me, don't candy coat it."

She returned to his embrace. "I haven't been scared until just now."

"If you need me say the word and I'll come right home."

There were I love you's and sniffles and lots of 'last' kisses before she closed the door behind him. Her apartment never felt so empty. She had no idea what to do next. There was nothing to do anymore but wait.

She cleaned the dishes from breakfast, and made the bed. When she'd exhausted the chores she could do the box Chris had left caught her eye. She got the scissors and settled on the sofa to check out the contents.

A belly laugh burst out of her as she looked inside. She immediately grabbed her phone.

Issey: Colfer you know me much too well. Are you sure there are enough batteries?


	31. Chapter 31

Issey had worried about being bored in the week before her surgery but as it turned out she had plenty to keep her busy. Pre-op doctor appointments, getting her mom used to the apartment and her way around the city were time consuming. Beyond that she'd become obsessed with searching for a home in Los Angeles. She looked online constantly, emailed Darren with links to her favorites and laughed when he'd come back with things like, "Do we actually NEED our own bowling alley?"

No one "needs" their own bowling alley, but these sorts of things tended to come with the houses she fell for. She liked to keep her finds on her tumblr page so Darren could have a look at them all together and then send her his thoughts when he had time.

The day before her surgery she found THE house. It was in Malibu, 7 bedrooms (okay, they didn't need that many but she had plans), 5 bathrooms, a 3 car garage. The things that sold her were the four fireplaces, seven skylights, ocean front patio with a fireplace of it's own and the fact that there was a detached two story guest house. Darren lived with friends and she wasn't certain whether they would be able to afford to continue to live in LA without his contribution. If he wanted, they could move into the guest house indefinitely, if he didn't think they'd want to do that it would serve as a nice place for a nanny to stay and have her own space.

She hated the thought of a nanny taking care of her children but had to be realistic. Both she, and Darren would be working long hours and having someone who lived in would be the most stable thing for baby.

Finding the house she called Darren immediately and asked him to look at it on line. It was recently reduced by $3 million dollars and she was terrified she'd lose it.

"Hey Babe, I was going to call you soon. Everything okay?"

"I just texted you a link, did you get it?"

"Yeah, haven't looked at it yet."

"Pull it up on your tablet, not your phone."

"Hang on…how're you feeling?"

"I'm climbing out of my skin, I want this house. I mean, this is the one, Darren. I can see our kids running around here."

"Okay, I'm there. Malibu? We want to live in Malibu?"

"We don't?"

"I just, we didn't really look at anything else there did we?"

"Don't remember, do you not want to live in Malibu?"

"No, it's, it's fine, okay, let me look at this. I love the sky light in the kitchen, and the view. Awww, I like the exterior, it doesn't look like every house in California. It looks like a home."

She couldn't hold her excitement in. "Doesn't it? I mean, I have some changes I'd make but look it has a white picket fence for goodness sake."

"And rocks and I'm assuming steps down to the ocean, oh, yup, there they are, I like that, makes it harder for the kids to run straight into the ocean when they're little."

"It has so much light."

Darren snorted, "I hate those dining room chairs."

"I KNOW! Horrid. I can't wait to get rid of them, but it's a nice little dining nook right?"

"It is, I have to say I like this better than anything we've looked at. Master bedroom is sparse huh?"

"Once I decorate it'll be beautiful." She could feel him so close to saying yes.

"I have no doubt. Does it have an ocean view?"

"Yeah, keep scrolling, and it has a fireplace."

"Oh." She heard his breath leave him with the word.

"What? Good oh? Bad oh? What?"

"The kids room."

"I know, they don't have it decorated very well, and why in a house with so many bedrooms would you put all the kids in one room like that, but look at the way the windows bow out, I think it's such a charming room. Imagine how sweet it would be if we had just the one crib and a layette…"

"I'm in love with this room. This is our baby's room."

"Oh Darren, really?"

"I just feel it. Hey, is that a wine cellar?"

"Where, the wooden thing? Sauna."

"I take it you have plans for that painted brick."

"God yes."

"We should see it in person first."

"Darren we won't have time, I can't travel that soon, you can't be in California for at least a month. I want to make an offer now. "

"Babe, I love what I can see of the house, but you have surgery tomorrow, Do you think maybe you want to move fast on this because you're trying to somehow guarantee a future?"

She gave this a minute to sink in and really consider it. "Maybe the desperation to make the offer right away has something to do with it, but the house itself, no. I like it so much more than anything else I've seen and not in a 'ooh fancy, imagine living there' way but in a, 'yeah, I picture our lives in this place' way. If you want to wait until a few days after my surgery to talk about it again we can but if we lose this house I'm going to be really disappointed."

"No, we don't have to wait. You know what you want, and I love it too. I'm in, let's do it. Do you want me to call the realtor that has the listing or what?"

"No, I'll have my lawyer call and make an offer, I'm sure they'll counter and we'll settle between."

"It's listed at 16, 750, what do you think we should offer?"

"Nine five."

"That's almost half, they'll never go for it."

"Course not, but what we're hoping for is 12. The last time this thing sold they didn't even get a million for it, they're really stretching it looking for 16 and they know it if they reduced it by 3 mil in the last week."

Darren smiled to himself. "I really love you."

"What brought that on?"

"You're the perfect balance of passion and practicality. You fell in love with the space, you already redesigned it in your head but you know all the numbers and history of the place to get what you want. I love that about you."

"Darren?"

"Mmm." He was flipping through the pictures on his tablet, thinking about what they'd do to make it theirs.

"I'm scared about tomorrow."

He stomach dropped, "Me too. I hate being here. I mean, you have great doctors and I'm sure you'll be fine but…"

"Yeah, but."

"This time difference sucks. I wish I could stay on the phone with you overnight so I could be there when you go to sleep and wake up but I can't. I have to get a ton of stuff done."

"It's okay. They gave me something to help me sleep tonight, something light that won't affect the baby but should relax me enough to drift off. I really can't wait to take it and make my brain slow down. I just want it to be done."

"Soon all of this will be in the rear view mirror and we'll be decorating the new house, including a nursery for our little one."

"I hope so. I'm so worried that I'll wake up and they'll tell me she's gone. I don't know what I'd do."

"Everyone says this is safe for her. You've read all the stories online, everyone had so many wonderful things to say about it. She's strong, like her mom."

"What if she's a he?"

"Then he's strong like his mom." Darren laughed.

"I think we should stop calling it a her."

"You starting to feel like it's a boy?"

"Not really, just if it is a boy I'd hate to have spent all this time calling him a her."

"Fair enough, no more sex definitive pronouns until we know. We do want to know right?"

"Yes, we want to know."

"Good. So did you peek in your bag for the hospital?"

"No. I want the surprise."

"Speaking of, how are you doing this?"

Her voice was innocence personified, "Doing what?"

"I found the first note on the plane, that was sweet and of course it was easy for you to slip it in my pocket when I wasn't looking. The second note you planted in my laptop, easy enough, third in my guitar strings okay, all very adorable and cool but I understood how you were doing it. Now however I wake up to notes on the pillow next to me, a bottle of my favorite scotch is waiting for me when I get to the hotel, a new pair of kick ass socks somehow appears in my luggage…how are you making all of this happen?"

"I'm magic. You aren't the only one who knows how to plan ahead you know."

"Well I love it. I'm also buying baby stuff everywhere we go."

"Oh, good idea. Try to get a little Irish knit sweater when you're in Ireland."

"Do you have something specific in mind?"

"Cardigan, beige, with brown buttons and a wide collar."

"Do my best. Ugh, hon, I have to go, it's late."

"Fair enough. Will I get to talk to you tomorrow before the surgery?"

"I'll do everything I can to be near my phone. Call me if I don't call you. You have to be in there at 7 your time right?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. It's going to be tough. If I don't get to talk to you please know my heart is there with you, and I love you, both of you, so much."

"We know. Love you too."

When she disconnected the room felt empty and cold. It was 9:30pm so she thought she'd better go say goodnight to her Mom, take her pill and try to get some sleep.

It was a good pill. Her mother had to shake her awake at 5:00 to take a shower and pull herself together for the hospital. Washing her natural breasts for the last time was making her head spin. She thought of when she was young and developing early, how proud she was of her shape but how she hated the reaction it got from the other girls.

She thought of her first tiny training bras with puppy's and kittens on the cups. She laughed as she recalled the first time her best friend in high school took her shopping for a bra that was not the white utilitarian garment her mother had purchased for her all of her life but instead something powder blue and lacy that made her feel so grown up, as if she had a secret.

Then she thought about the pleasure they'd provided both her and her few partners she'd enjoyed, remembering sadly the day Chris withdrew from her, afraid to touch them, and the way Darren always gave them attention even after she knew she was sick. He would miss them. She would miss him softly stroking them as he fell asleep at night.

Shaking away the sadness Is placed her hand on her belly. "We're doing what we need to do to keep us healthy and safe so we have as many years together as a family as possible. Boobies be damned. They had a good run but they've got to go." She said it to the baby, with more confidence than she felt.

She dressed in loose clothing as directed and allowed her mother to wheel the bag Darren had packed to the car. Her mother made conversation about what she'd seen on tv the night before and other mundane subjects, avoiding the subject at hand. Issey played along, all the while the bile rising in her throat, the heaviness ever present in her stomach.

Frustrated she hit the speed dial on her phone again, again Darren's phone went directly to voice mail. She threw the phone into her bag, tears stinging her eyes. She decided to take her mom's tact.

"I found a house last night. Darren likes it too. We're making an offer on it today."

"TODAY? Where is it?"

"Malibu."

"Have you seen it?"

"No, I told you, I just saw it online last night. It's beautiful though."

Her mother went on a rant that lasted the rest of the drive. It included lots of wisdom about not buying a house you've never seen with your own eyes, not having had anyone look at the property to make sure it wasn't a day away from collapsing, putting in an offer on the day she's having life altering surgery and more. For some reason it was just what Issey needed. Her mother wasn't treating her like a sick person, she wasn't being sticky sweet, she was raving and telling her all she was doing wrong which felt so much more right.

She decided to push the point a little further as they walked inside. Her family never spoke about money. They didn't grow up with a lot but made the most of what they had. Her mother had no idea how much money she made and wouldn't believe her if she told her.

"It's a 17 million dollar house Mom, I doubt it's falling apart at the seams."

Yup. Just as she thought, paying no attention to the fact that they were entering the cancer surgical center and had the eyes of many very sick people on them her mother's voice went up both an octave and a number of decibels absolutely losing her mind over the waste of money. Issey could only smile as she checked in with the nurse and was told to wait in a much too muted and colorless room.

She checked her phone again before surrendering it to get ready for her operation, there was no call or text from Darren, though there were many from family, friends and work associates.

Her mother patted her hand as the anesthesiologist started a line and gave her a run down of what she would feel and how long the procedure would take. She faded quickly after that, a part of her mind still listening for the phone, for Darren's ring tone, but it didn't come.


	32. Chapter 32

Issey sort of enjoyed the sleepy, woozy feeling. She was warm and cozy and happy and Darren was holding her hand which felt so nice. She said his name, just to say it. In her mind it came out perfectly. In the recovery room it was an indistinct mumble.

Someone wouldn't stop telling her they were here. She wished they'd be quiet so she could go back to sleep but then there were more voices and someone was pinching her armpit which was just so rude. She opened her eyes slowly and realized where she was.

No one was pinching her, it was the stitches. Darren however was holding her hand, and talking fast. She had to blink a few times to catch up.

He looked like he hadn't slept, or shaved, or possibly showered in two days. "I'm so sorry Babe, I was on a flight, I thought I could make it before you went under but I missed it by like, 15 minutes according to your mom, but I wanted to be here when you woke up. How do you feel?"

"Um.. what…ow, throat." She touched her throat remembering that they had told her she might be scratchy from the tube.

A smiling nurse entered and rested her hand on Darren's back as she spoke, "Miss Isabel you did very well. The doctors say it was a successful surgery and as long as you and the baby stay as healthy as you are right now you'll be going home tomorrow. Your fella here has been pacing the floor waiting for you to wake up."

"Driving me crazy." Her mother commented from a chair on the other side of her bed.

"Baby's good?" she was having trouble keeping her eyes open.

"Baby's great." The nurse answered.

"Did we get the house?" she looked at Darren, still hazy.

He laughed, "Not yet, don't worry about that now. I think you need some more rest."

"How long are you staying?"

"I have to leave tonight, but I'll be here when you wake up, don't worry."

"You okay, Mommy?" she mumbled.

"Just fine, get some rest."

She let her eyes shut; squeezing Darren's hand to reassure herself he was real.

When she woke again it was in a private room, she looked around and saw Darren, asleep in a chair, his head on his chin. He was the only other person in the room. She had a few machines still attached to her and everything ached, but it wasn't horrible pain. She was thirsty though so she rang the buzzer for the nurse, not wanting to wake Darren.

"Hello there!" a new nurse popped in brightly.

Issey held her finger to her lips and pointed at Darren. "I don't want to wake him, he's exhausted. I'd just like some water."

The nurse poured the water and looked over at him. "He'd want you to wake him. He's upset he has to leave before long and was afraid you'd be asleep until he left. He's a real keeper that one. Cute as a button and charming as the day is long."

"Don't I know it. Is my mom still here?"

"He talked her into going home, getting some rest while she can. She'll be back before he has to leave."

Issey just watched Darren sleep a minute longer, the nurse smiling at her. "Yeah, please wake him up for me?"

"You got it hon." The nurse touched his shoulder and Darren woke with a start.

"Is something wrong? Is she okay?"

"She's awake."

The nurse left and Darren pulled his chair closer to the bedside. "Hi."

"Hi. Kiss." She prompted and he quickly complied with a delicate full lipped press.

"I'm glad you're here." She reached for his hand and he gave her his free one, using the other to stroke her hair.

"Me too. I wasn't sure I'd make it so I didn't want to promise. Are you in much pain?"

"Not as much as I thought I'd be. Probably tomorrow. I don't care though, the baby is okay, that's all I was really worried about."

"That and the house." He teased.

"The house?"

"You asked about it as soon as you woke up."

"Don't remember. Did we hear anything?"

"We did. They countered the 9 with 14."

"Fourteen, I mean, I'd go to that if it was firm, but I still think we can get them down to 12.5."

"We told them we wouldn't consider 14 and to come back with something else."

"and?"

"and it's been 2 hours. We won't hear anything else today. They have to play the game, wait us out, scare us a little. The good news is I had Joey, you remember meeting my best friend Joey right?"

"And talking to him on the phone roughly a million times and every time you bring him up you ask if I remember him? Yes."

"Yeah, good, so I had Joey go have a look at the place for us. Did you know it's the house they used for the exteriors on Hannah Montana?"

"Joey's wrong, it's in the neighborhood but not the same house. That house was on the market awhile ago, sold for less than this one's asking price. What'd he think of it?"

"He said it's a real dream house, he also said he wants to move into the guesthouse."

"I thought of that, I was going to talk to you about it but we ran out of time."

"He was kidding."

"I'm not. Why not? It has it's own entrance and all, we'd have privacy, so would he, but he could get on his feet and not have to worry about rent."

She earned another kiss, "I can't believe you thought of that. He was seriously just joking, he'll go mental when I tell him he can stay if we get the place."

"If. Don't say if, when. When we get the place. I want to go have a look at it next week myself."

"Seems a little early to be traveling."

"Pfffft. I'll be fine."

"Why don't we wait it out? See how you feel."

"I want to start decorating. I want to be able to move in as soon as you're home from tour because we need to get so much stuff done before Glee starts shooting again and we're both back to being busy all the time."

"What about your chemo?"

"That's why I want to start getting the house in order as soon as possible. Besides, we don't even know for sure if I have to have chemo yet."

"What if they still think you need radiation?"

"Then they can wait six months. They can't do it while I'm pregnant and ending the pregnancy is off the table, not that it was ever really on the table. "

He caressed her face, "I just don't want you to over do it. It sucks seeing you like this." He swallowed hard, "I want you to take the time to get well."

A woman knocked at the open door and Issey called for her to come in. "You are a very popular patient." She wheeled in an aluminum cart full of floral arrangements. Issey expected her to take one or two to leave in her room then continue on her stops; instead she emptied the cart into whatever space she could find.

"There is also a chocolate gift basket in the fridge, I couldn't fit it on the cart, I'll bring it up soon."

They thanked her and Issey looked around amazed. "Can you read me the cards? I want to know who to thank."

Darren made his way around the room, reading out cards from her family, her agent, Ryan, cast members of Glee, musicians and techs she'd worked with before and others. When he got to the vase holding pink peonies and blue hydrangea he picked up the card but she said, "I know those are from you. Bring them over here next to the bed?"

"Am I so predictable?"

"You're just the only one who would remember to send exactly what I love." He set them on her nightstand and she held her hand out to him, wincing as she did. "Come here a second, I want to ask you something. If we have a girl I want her to always have peonies in her room. Always."

"We can do that."

"If I don't…if I'm not there for her birthday's, graduation, what have you, I want you to make sure she always has a bouquet of pink peonies tied with a navy blue ribbon from me."

"Isabelle, you will be there." He kissed her hand.

"If I'm not. Will you make sure?"

"Of course I will, but right now I'm staying positive."

"Excuse me, am I interrupting?" her ob/gyn was at the door.

"Not at all, come on in." Darren stood and offered her his chair, moving to the other side of Issey's bed.

"Your surgeon asked me to come in and see you." She smiled as she sat.

"They said the baby was fine." Fear was evident in Issey's voice.

"Oh, there was no problem from the surgery, but they noticed something when they were watching the ultrasounds and wanted me to have a look to see what's going on. I know you've had a long day but I'd like to do an ultrasound right now if that's okay."

Issey looked at Darren with tears in her eyes then told the doctor of course they could do the ultrasound right away. "What is it they saw that makes you want to check so quickly?"

"He said he noticed a mass close to your placenta and he couldn't make out what it was, of course he wasn't really looking in that area but it just caught his attention. He wanted me to have a look before he created any concern for you."

A tech brought the machine in and Darren and Issey held hands while the doctor pushed her way around, looking, clicking, pushing some more. "Ah, yup, here it is. This is what he saw."

"What is that? Is it another tumor?" Darren asked.

"It's a placenta." The doctor said, as she moved the scope again.

"Wait. Darren said, what's that then?" there was another mass, slightly different in shape but around the same size close by.

"Placenta." She said again. She was digging hard into Issey's pelvic bone and Issey squirmed. "Sorry hon, try to hold still, I'm going to try and show you something."

The three of them kept their attention focused on the screen and Issey saw it before Darren. "Oh MY GOD."

The doctor smiled and changed the view slightly.

Darren shook his head, "What are we looking at? It looks like two heads to me. I can never figure these things out."

"You just did."

"Two heads? Our kid has…oh my God." He had stood to see better but now he sat hard.

The room was silent except for the clicking and beeping of the machines.

"How? How did we not know this before now?" Issey asked.

"It happens. Finding out about twins can take any time from a few weeks to delivery."

"Was that two placenta, or one big one?"

The doctor finished the test and wiped the gel from Issey's tummy. "Two, your twins are fraternal. Do they run in your family?"

"They do. My sister has fraternal twins, my grandmother was a twin, but they were identical." She looked at Darren, still staring at the screen. "Honey? Can you go ask the nurse if I can eat yet? I'm kinda hungry."

He nodded and left the room. Issey took a deep breath, "I need to ask you something before he comes back."

"Go ahead."

"I know it's possible for fraternal twins to have different fathers, would that have shown up in the dna test we took or is it possible that one child isn't Darren's?"

"No. We would have found something of Chris's DNA in your blood if he was the father of one of the children. I am completely confident that these children are full siblings."

"Thank God."

By the time Darren returned carrying a tray of food the doctor was gone. "Wasn't sure if you really wanted to try to eat or if you just wanted me out of the room to ask the scary question."

She blinked at him.

"What did she say? Is it possible?"

"Is what possible?"

"Can Chris be the father of one of the babies?"

"He could but he isn't. It's possible that it could happen but the results of the dna would be different if he were. They're yours." She looked at the tray and wrinkled her nose, "What is this?"

"You may have forgotten but you did just have surgery. You're on clear liquids until tomorrow. You can have jello or soup."

"I just lost my appetite."

"You may have but I bet our kids would love some jello."

"Our kids. Oh Darren, I didn't know how I was going to handle recovery and one baby, how am I going to juggle two?"

"I think society frowns on baby juggling." He stopped to get a smile from her, "We'll be fine. Two of us, two of them, we got it covered."


	33. Chapter 33

Darren rested his head on her hip. Issey scratched the backs of her knuckles along the stubble at his jaw, brushed her thumb over his sideburns, lost her fingers in his curls. It was getting close to time for him to leave and neither wanted to say goodbye again.

"You're doing a great job at taking care of me and making sure I'm calm but aren't you even a little freaked out?" She asked quietly.

His eyes were closed, he looked completely at peace. "About it being twins?"

"Not just that, all of it. Being a parent, having a family with someone you've only known a few months, buying a house...you're life has changed a ton in the past year and now it's changing again in a really permanent way. "

He didn't bother to open his eyes. "In a really groovy way. I'll admit I didn't expect all of this at this point but its here and I'm glad. I would have loved more time for us to be together just the two of us but it is what it is."

She was hesitant but persisted, "I don't want you to feel trapped."

Now his eyes opened and he lifted his head to look in her eyes. "Don't. Never, ever question how much I want this. I want us, I want our children, I want this life with you."

"You're so young, your future is so open, I don't want us to ever hold you back and I'm afraid that as much as I want you to succeed I may need you too much."

He growled his frustration at not being able to hug her to him and settled for taking her hand. He did the long slow blink that always signaled a thoughtful response, "I've lived a lot in the time I've been on this planet, and neither of us are signing death certificates here, this is a new adventure not the end of anything. I'm young, okay, but the only thing that scares me is will I be a good enough father? Will I be able to support you the way you need me to, will I be able to make the right decisions and career choices for us, for our kids? I don't doubt for a second my desire to, just whether I'm capable."

"You are." She spoke around the lump in her throat. "You're thoughtful and brilliant and I have complete confidence in your parenting skills. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do what I want to do. How will I have the energy? Everything I've read about women having babies after something like this, they talk about being exhausted, about having difficulty holding the baby, diapering, doing the smallest things. Now we find I'm going to need to do them times two and I don't want to fail our kids and I especially don't want the burden of my being a useless mother to fall on you."

"A useless mother is the last thing you'll be. First, those women were talking about having the baby shortly after surgery, or during radiation or chemo. You have lots of recovery time so if you don't need the other stuff I bet you're able to function fine. We'll both be tired, that's a given, any parents of twins are going to be tired but you will be such a wonderful mother. You consider other people's feelings, you know how to make everyone feel special, you know how to discipline with an iron fist and still assure that person that it comes from love. Our kids are so lucky to have you." He caressed her hands, her arms, playing his fingers on her skin like piano keys. "Those are the important things. We'll have help. We'll have Joey around if you want and get a nanny to lend a hand with the everyday tasks but the important stuff, the real Mommy stuff is where you'll shine."

"Sit beside me?" He did his best to get next to dodge the lines attached to her and settle next to her on the bed. She rested against his chest, closing her eyes and listening to his heartbeat. She nearly fell asleep but didn't want to waste the time they had left. "You never said what your parent's reaction was to your being a father."

"They want to meet you of course. They're supportive but concerned. It helped to have Chuck meet you and tell them how happy we seemed and how much he liked you but naturally this isn't what they had in mind for their first grandchild." He kissed her head. "They'll feel better when they meet you; they're going to love you."

"I hope so. I don't want to be public enemy number one with them." She yawned and winced. The pain was starting to take over.

"You need pain meds. Where's the call button?"

"I'm fine, it's really just like pinching under my arms. I don't want to take anything more than I have to, it's not good for the baby. Babies. Wow."

"So are we telling people this?"

"Not yet, let's just keep it for us for a little while."

"I like that." He smiled.

"Knock, knock, sorry to be a pest but we have a few more deliveries." No cart this time but three more vases of flowers were brought in.

Issey asked if she would mind bringing the cards over to her, she wasn't willing to give up her comfy spot on Darren to let him move. The first card was from a recording studio she used frequently in L.A., the second was from Darren's parents. It read: Isabelle, We cannot wait to meet you. Our prayers are with you for a speedy recovery. Love, Charles and Cerina.

She removed the third card from the envelope, read it, read it again and passed it to Darren, amazed.

Issey: Best of luck with everything. We hope you have a speedy recovery and that you and the baby are healthy and happy soon. Thank you for making Darren so happy. Love, Darren's Dreamgirls (a fan group)

"So sweet of them." She sniffled.

He turned the card in his nimble fingers, "They are amazing. Hey, are you crying?"

She nodded and raised her arm carefully to wipe at her face. "I really thought they all hated me, it's kind of amazing that any of them would bother to do this, that'd they cared enough ."

"Does it really bother you that some of them will always vilify you? Because that kind of comes with the situation."

"Normally? No. I mean, no one likes to be hated for no reason, but I get what it is, on a day like today though just getting a little love from somewhere you expect to find nothing but negativity is especially touching. Can you tweet about this? Tweet a thank you, with a picture of the arrangement? Tell them how much it meant to us?"

He snapped a picture and wrote the tweet without leaving the bed. She would read the responses later, when he was gone.

"We haven't talked about names yet. What have you been thinking?" he set his phone on the nightstand and held her hand.

"I have a few names I've always loved but then I hear something and think, oooh, maybe that. What about you?"

"Okay, don't laugh because you're going to want to laugh."

"Oh God, what is it?"

"Bellatrix…hear me out. Orion has always been my favorite constellation and Bellatrix is Latin for female warrior, which I think is a pretty good name for a baby girl whose mother went through breast cancer while carrying her."

"It's a beautiful name, but you know she'd be compared with Bellatrix Lestrange always."

"I don't think so. Every generation has their huge movie series, or book or whatever, Harry Potter was mine but it won't be hers. By the time she's old enough to be in school and have kids look for things to make fun of it won't be as pervasive."

"And if it's a boy do you want Betelgeuse?"

"Obviously not, but maybe Sirus."

She barked a laugh then swallowed hard, her throat still sore from the tube. "Why not Voldemort?"

"Severus. Dear God, if it's twin boys lets name them Severus and Voldemort." He was as animated as she'd seen him since she'd come out of surgery, truly enjoying himself.

"And the girls? Belletrix and Nymphadora?"

"You're kidding but I actually love both of those. Nymphadora. It's perfect."

"Gets me thinking about Bewitched reruns, We could do Endora and Serena."

He shook his head, "That's my mother's name."

"Oh, right, okay, Endora and Tabitha."

"I like Tabitha. Tabby Criss. It's cute."

"Hmm. It IS cute."

"Not that, I mean, I'm saying Criss but if you want to talk about their last name, whether you wanted them to be Mooney or Criss hyphen Mooney, Mooney hyphen Criss…"

"Crooney! No, they'll have your last name"

"Good, okay. So we like Tabitha. Any other serious contenders?"

"Actually, I'm not ruling out Bellatrix. Trixie and Tabby Criss. I mean, c'mon."

"They sound like cats."

"Yeah. Or strippers."

"Moving on."

She adjusted slightly to look at him, "Okay, I have a boy's name that I really love, if you don't like it right away promise me you'll give it some time to see if it grows on you."

"Hit me."

"Haydn."

"As in Joseph Haydn, the father of the symphony and the string quartet? I would never have thought of that, that's a great name! It can be a girl's name too, like Hayden Pennettiere."

"For some reason I think it's the cutest name ever for a boy but I detest it for a girl. Plus she spells it with an e after the d which, no."

"So Haydn Criss. I could totally be down with that. Do we have a middle name we like with it?"

"No. Actually, my grandfather's name was Alexander, that would be a pretty middle name. Haydn Alexander Criss."

"It's okay. We can work on it. Any other boy names?"

"My other grandfather was named Marshall. I've always loved that."

"Marshall Criss. What does that sound like? It sounds like something."

"Bad 60's cowboy show."

"Pretty much. What about something Irish? I like Kieran."

"Oooh, Kieran, I like that very much. Haydn and Kieran, those sound cute together."

"Should you be in the bed like that?" Her mother surprised them.

"He's fine Mom, did you get some rest?" Issey linked her fingers with Darren's to hold him there in case he got any ideas about moving in deference to her mother.

"I reorganized your cabinets and vacuumed your rug. When was the last time you vacuumed the place?"

"I did it the night before I left." Darren said sheepishly. "And I reorganized the kitchen cabinets."

"You had everything down low, there's plenty of space up on the top shelves, why are you cramming everything down low?" She sat in the chair against the wall.

"Um, Because I can't reach up for a while? He moved it to where I can reach it while I'm recovering."

"Well if you need something I'll reach it for you. I couldn't find anything in all that clutter."

Issey squeezed Darren's hand to keep from saying anything more.

"My God it looks like a funeral parlor in here, and there's more at your house, flowers everywhere. You're having an operation not being buried."

"The ones from you are lovely, they're over there." Darren pointed out the flowers she had sent.

"Well, they're really from her father because he's not here." She'd be bested but she wasn't about to admit it. "Have you eaten anything? Has the doctor been in?"

"Yes, and yes. Everything is fine. Did you talk to Daddy?"

"I called him, he wants to talk to you when you feel up to it."

"I'll give him a ring in a little bit." She yawned again.

"I hate to say it Babe." Darren started to move.

"Nooooooooooooo." She pouted but sat up so he could stand.

"'Fraid so. Back to the trenches." He thumbed her cheekbones softly and whispered, "I love you." He leaned closer in breathed in her ear, "All three of you." He took her bottom lip between his, tracing it with his tongue. She quivered and opened her mouth to him.

"Why is it you kids think you have to swallow each other's tongues to say goodbye?"

Issey smiled into the kiss but wouldn't let Darren back away. She kissed him deeper and then held him close, "Have fun. You'll never have a first time tour like this again. Enjoy every second of it. The scary stuff is done now here. We're fine, we're going to sleep and rest and redecorate our new house. Promise me you'll hang out with your friends and have a great time."

"As good as I can have without my girl there with me, but you promise that if you start to feel crappy you will call me right away. I can't have fun if I can't trust that you'll tell me if you need me to come home."

"I promise."

Another kiss.

He drew a deep breath. "Don't forget to check the bag I packed for you. I'll call you when I land. Love you."

"Love you too."

He started for the door and turned back to give her one more kiss.

"Oh go already. You kids are so dramatic. Your father didn't even get out of bed when I left, he said, "Tell her I love her." And rolled over to go back to snoring.

They both laughed and Darren disappeared down the hall.


End file.
